I only saw what I hoped to fix Never meant to lead you on Only wanted you as a friend You went overboard in your Dreams for me. I swear I never meant to hurt you I just wanted to keep you from falling Giving you my hand to help you You only took my time throwing it away Thinking, I would be yours. I am not yours, I never was Can't stay on your highway Let me breathe, please Taking a new road away from you Sorry, can't hold your hand no more. I can see you are angry with how this went Your words of hate took a toll on me You didn't get what you wanted I am only a falling star in your eyes Just the dirt that falls on your shoulder at night. Go ahead brush me right off While you move on to another Who believes your sad tone lies, You take words of innocence To just twist them to fit you. Your words beat me black and blue It is okay because I am still standing You can't twist me to fall for you I won't be broken as you So, tell me how does it feel? Standing there alone in the dark It is only your fault that you built it Cause I will never hold your hand Anymore as you fall so hard.

The mind can be a wild rollercoaster into a whole new world that connects you through these wiggly bloody wires in our heads. You never know when one will dry up and set you free into a semi-normal life, for me life was beyond that. Growing up in an unpredictable environment with a mother who had many loose wires that connected to who knows where. I am even surprised I called her mother; she was more of a mental case than she was. We will go into more into that later, don't want to spoil it. To let you all, know, the only way to take a peek into my life you will have to ride my mind wires to see behind these odd eyes. I was only seven years old; I wrote my first poem and boy was I so proud. I knew my mom loved yellow roses and I wrote her a poem about her favorite rose. I give her credit she did read it but only laughed in my face telling me it wasn't any good. In my eyes, tears slowly streamed as I watched her rip it up like it meant nothing which it hadn't. At that age, I didn't know how to take in her actions so I wrote in secret. In dark places where I couldn't be found like in the corner of my closet letting words take over my mind. After a while, I didn't live in reality. I started blocking out my mother's abuse that is being physical or verbal. I just stopped caring and made friends with those voices that lay dormant within my mind. I eventually started seeing sounds, yeah how nuts is that? I think this is the start of me becoming mental. I mean be very quiet, can you hear them through your eyes? Tick Tock Tick Tock oh yeah and tick-tock the sounds of an antique clock that never did exist. Well for me it hung on my wall as bright as the sun in the sky. Dancing to the moving hands of the clock ticking and tocking in my mind. Okay the sounds of well pure nothing, my mind is a mess as you can read. I think it is time for my white padded mental room that has just one little window with a door of no knobs. How pathetic is it to have a window and you can't even get up to look out? Here I thought I was nuts but guess what I am headed that way. I am in this jacket that I call home that ties my wrist with white clothed chains holding me down. You see I make up my clocks of sound when there is absolutely nothing for my eyes to take in. I still can make music you know through dancing words. Oh, man! Here comes the nightmare called my mother that woke me from my sleepy time mind. “Where the hell were you? You are so lazy, why are you even mine you worthless little monster?” Screams my mother in my face. By this time, I could care less, “ Well I was dreaming of ways to get rid of you in my mind because well you are nothing mommy.” Yeah, you guessed it I got the hit of my life but the tears are dried like a river in a desert. Only sands of blood fall from these eyes of mine. The looks my mother gives, makes me laugh as she plots to break me. Hmm, wonder who is breaking who? The best days of my life were when she was gone, I lived more in my freaky mental mind maze. At least there the bruises never would happen upon my face. “Oh Wait! Do you hear this? That ticking in my ears for crying out loud does it ever stop! When will the batteries in my life just fricken stop?” Yes, the batteries keep going and yeah, I do lose it from time to time almost like a spider with no legs trying to make a run for it. I think I am sick; my eyes actually grimace and start smirking at this thought. This just proves I am just not right in the mind but that Is what I get for having my parents of mine. I know everyone says “I don't have to be who my parents were. I can break the cycle of the abuse.” I think about this but I know I couldn't write up these messed-up mistakes. I blame my mother for my mental freak mind that loves to come out and surprise me. If you could only live in my white padded room with just one peek-hole window with a door with no knobs, you just might think this world of insanity isn't all it is quacked up to be. “ Oh no, here my mind is getting away from me. I am scratching my head, well darn how in the world can I scratch my head when I am tied up in sharp white-clothed chains? Holding me back from ripping every little strand of hair off my psycho head. What in the world is wrong with me? Oh, shush, be very quiet. They're right outside my door talking but I do not know what they say.” The funny part is they tell me I am not insane. I often wonder where do these docs get their medical degrees. I know it and you all know it by now I am not all that I appear to be. You can say my mother put me here by not listening to me. In her eyes, I was the devil in disguise. I wasn't stupid to fall for her chemical imbalance mental lies. My mother had a way to make people think she was the heavenly angel when behind these doors she was just as mad as me. Knock knock, you are supposed to ask who is there? the mental house freak who left your world mysteriously cold.

In my mental padded white room Hearing sounds of well pure nothing Except for a ticking noise in my ears How annoying, batteries need to drain Here I go hearing this tick tock, tick tock, tick Well, you get the idea of what I am saying Sounds of a clock's arms moving, a leg shaking To the numbers of 1 2 3, tick tock, tick tock I am rocking to the beat hearing a song Not much to do when you're tied up In a jacket with the sleeves behind you Moving as a spider with no legs swaying Laughing at that thought I smile With a grimace in my eyes. I have a window in a door with no knobs Pointless when I can't get up to see out It's just a tease as water is in a dry desert As you can tell, I'm not all there, yeah, I'm a Mental house freak in a world of normal. Okay, sorry in a world of half normal people Hope that makes you all feel a tad bit better I'm in a room because they said I'm not insane I wonder where they got their degrees. This makes me scratch my head too, well wait I'm tied up I can't scratch a thing but make faces At these thoughts tick toking in circles in this head Of mine, I don't see an ounce of sanity even floating. I think I better shush for now; I hear feet coming Right at my door, they stop, calling my name Of course, I will never answer, I let them wonder If she is truly okay? Maybe thinking what a nut case What can I say? I am a mental house freak. Creaking of the door my eyes finally open to daylight Oh man what a dream, all these things that fly around Inside of me and yet I remember the story to tell. As crazy as these dreams are, I come alive in a way I get to bring my fantasy world out into words Even though I come out as a mental house freak. Copyrighted By Kelonie Utley

Kelonie Utley began writing poetry as a way to deal with her experiences of bullying and abuse. Now, with her unique blend of gothic horror and stark reality, she brings together a collection of poems on themes of heartbreak, pain, loss, and suffering. Yet within this pandora's box of verse, there lies the ever-present spark of hope. Moments of light break through the darkness. There is always the chance to break free.