Breathe in and out Slow and steady Counting down from 100 Knowing the pain is unbearable The tears rushing down my face Surround by too many people to count Unable to stand up Shaking into a burr Feel the knife turning inside my stomach Trying so hard just to say one word Grasping for air Knowing I can't do anything Waiting for the pain to stop Giving up on everything at that moment Knowing they're no point Then so very slowly It starts to fade Giving me more reason to go Knowing it will be okay in time That all wounds will heal in time

Stop!!! Don't go!!!! Please!! I can't!!!! I won't!!! Please!! They're no easy way to say my angel got wings almost a year ago on Dec 5th. Dear lovely mother, You were my best friend, you were my mom... All I can say is come back... But if only that was that easy, I don't know how this works but I hope you know I miss and think about you more than I got say out loud. In many ways I blame you... But in a lot of other ways I blame myself for you being gone or even the life I made and changed for myself. If only, if only I could change I would I would beg on my knees if I could see or even hug you again. There is no easy way around you being gone. Besides saying my angle got wings. I imagine you just flying in the sky watching over me as I sleep keeping the nightmare always. I remember the nights that you cry in pain from being so sick and me wanting so bad for you just to feel better and now you do but it hurts more now with you being gone. Call me selfish but I want you here. I still hear you some night when I can't sleep. I wake up and I feel a hole in my heart where you used to be. I remember when we used to play board games at 3 am. I remember us eating ice cream. I remember holding your hand. I remember going to the hospital to visit you l, I remember when they told me you got your angel wings. I miss you... Love your daughter R.I.P J.R 7/7/77-12/5/2019

Dear the worst day of my life, To begin, I remember you like it was yesterday but the replay I do everyday feels like it's today. Do you remember the day I lost all hope, the day that life stopped mattering maybe the day that my life fell apart and broke me into five million pieces? No I didn't think so but I remember you, I most all remember the feeling like I was dying that I was drowning and sea salt was pouring in my lungs and that my chest was being pounded on with a hammer. I most of all remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I think the worst part was knowing that everything was not going to be okay, that my life was going to change for the worst and nothing was going to get better no matter what! To start off, I got up and I was in a small room with my baby brother who was 10 at the time I was only 13, a newborn teenager not ready or known to this horrible news I will soon find out. I got ready for school like any other day in a group home. I left for school and went to each class like nothing. After school I got “home” and put out a small notebook to begin to write a Christmas list of people I need to give present to I wrote down my dad, mom, brother, one staff at the group home, my very best friend, my friend from school, my aunts and uncles, and cousins. Then after I wrote down the name and was about to start to see what they wanted for Christmas. One of the staff came and told me my “Favorite” aunt is coming to pick up me and my brother. I was so excited I haven't seen her for a little less than a month since I went to group home. But it was Thursday, to be point on it was December 5th 2019. I waited and waited and then the doorbell rang. I just got to my feet and walked to the door and there they were. I must have looked surprised. I wouldn't have guessed it wasn't just my aunt but also her husband who I'm not fond over, her daughter who is like an aunt to me for many reasons but most of all she is like 36 years old, and my dad. I didn't think anything of it. Except the fact of why Jerri was still in her work nurses scrubs for working at a daycare. But I didn't say anything about it. I asked if my aunts wanted to see my room. Jojo didn't want to see just was going to sign the paper to take me for the night. I walked auntie Jerri to my room and she put something under my pillow and told me I could look when I got back. I just thought it was money to be honest. Dad was crying in the car but I thought it was because he hadn't seen me and brother since they decided to take us til my mom could get better and my dad got some anger management class or maybe some therapy. But anyways we arrived at the park. This part is the moment I will replay and replay until I'm blue in the face. I asked if they would like to walk the trail but they told us we need to sit down and talk. I was confused when I asked questions I've never wanted to ask and never want to hear the answer that I got. “Was mom okay?” and Jerri answered with a shake of head no i sat at the bench. They told me something I didn't want to hear, something that I want to close my ears and start to sing a lullaby. They told me that my mom had died early this morning but I didn't feel tears so I just let myself scream like someone was trying to murder me and I was calling for help. I started to scream then the pain started, the sea salt poured into my chest, the hammer hitting my chest so hard I thought that every bone in my body was breaking. Was it supposed to physically hurt? It was just sadness nobody was hitting me nobody was hurting just the feeling that I just lost my mom. My best friend, my only likable parent, the only one I knew that I couldn't live without, died I would never see alive again. I never felt lost before till today I never felt so much pain before. I will ask myself this until I decide to become a mother and have a neutral labor. “Is losing a parent the most hurtful and painful thing to ever encounter?” It didn't make sense how she could have died… she was purposely going home from the hospital this morning. My life didn't make sense anymore. I was broken. I lost a part of me that I couldn't get back. I had to call the person that I knew I needed the most right now. I called my best friend and said something I never want to tell her not now or later. “ my mom died” After that day things started going fast I didn't let myself feel how could I? I knew if I started crying I wouldn't stop. Therefore me and my brother stayed in a group home and my dad became homeless with his new girlfriend. Life is not the same and never will be when I decide to have kids then won't have a grandma, my mom will never cry at my wedding, she'll never see me in high school, or see what college I go to. I will never have my mom back. My life as I know it will hurt and be painful forever, every time I feel that hole in my heart.