A nineteen year old girl stands perplexed as the room full of cousins burst into laughter. Everyone is laughing, except her. She does not know what they all are laughing at. Excitedly she asks her cousin sister, “What happened? What happened?” The perplexed look on her face only results in them laughing harder. Finally one of them blurts out, “Pijjaa ! Hahahha say it once again! Pijjaa !” Everyone bursts into another round of laughter, high-fiving each other and some even rolling down the floor holding their stomachs. She looks around in confusion. Until one of her cousin's mother enters the room to check on the commotion. “Mummy, she called Pizza ‘Pijjaa' !” She says pointing towards her, seeking approval. There is an inherent sense of superiority in the way she looks at her, expecting her mother to join her. The mother hushes her off, “shhhh, it's bad manners to make fun of anybody.” Unlike her, all her cousins studied in English medium school. She did not know THAT the Difference between Pizza and Pijjaa was not merely of pronunciation, but Much More Than That. That, in a world of Pizza, ‘Pijjaa' was unforgivable, Pijjaa brought shame. The two come from two totally different planets, and their worlds never intersect. That this world applauds Pizza & shuns Pijjaa. That in the World of Pizza, Pijjaa did not Belong. That in this World Pizza had the Power to decide how ‘Pijjaa' would be treated. She earned a new name that day, the official “Behenji” of the group. She hated it from her core, she wanted to feel belonged too. But somehow, her skills, ability, talent and intelligence all got eclipsed behind the cardinal mistake. She had to pay the cost of not knowing the difference between ‘z' and ‘j'. Several years later when she gives birth, she decides her daughter is not going to face the same humiliation that she had faced. That she will send her to an English medium School. That she grows up Belonging. So then, did her daughter really grow up with a sense of Belonging ?

In case you're looking for me, I won't be home… …I won't be stress eating…or smoking one cigarette after another…drinking myself numb…barely allowing myself to sleep. That would make things way too easy for you. If and when we meet, I will not be staring at a screen obsessing over every little detail about you. Because you're a virus…not an ex. I'll admit, at first, I was spending a lot of time asking all sorts of questions about you. “Where did you come from?” “Where are you going?” “Will you get stronger?” “How many lives will you impact before you're gone?” We fear what we don't understand. But I've had time to realize that it was never you I was afraid of. As it turns out, I didn't need to learn more about you… I needed to learn more about myself. I have been so concerned with losing my life, when not too long ago, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted to do with my life. So, I started asking myself the same questions I was asking about you. “Where did I come from?” “Where am I going?” “Will I get stronger?” “How many lives will I impact before I'm gone?” I should be mad at you, but I am not. I am really upset and disappointed in myself. I was asleep when you woke me, and I almost stayed asleep even after the “alarm” went off. Then the calls came in…from people I have known my whole life but whose voices I hadn't heard in months. I mean people were calling me who do not even call me on my birthday. The effect was contagious…I started calling people I had not spoken to in a while. All the time away from work and others has shown me what I really look like. I was always so concerned with my appearance. Just the morning routine alone was exhausting and stressful. I would wear clothes that I hoped would make me look thinner than I am, shoes to make me look taller, jewelry to make me look wealthier and then hop into a car I can barely afford to drive to a job that just scarcely provides the means to buy these “costumes.” It's so strange…they wanted me to put on a face mask but as it turns out, I've been wearing a mask my whole life. It's so much easier to breathe without all that added weight and the air has never been so incredible… I want to breath it all in. I keep wondering when you'll stop. When the world will go back to how I remember it. But the more I think about it, the more I hope it never goes back to how it was. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before you showed up in the world. There was so much about me I wasn't really all that happy with. I just kept distracting myself with any gadget, screen, drug or drink I could find. But you have forced me to spend some quality time with the one person I've been avoiding…myself. I've been forced to sit in my home and stare at how much I've filled it with emptiness. Crap I didn't really need, with money I didn't really have to spend, placed on shelves I never touched or even bothered to clean. Countless times people have told me, “Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.” But that has never meant as much as it does in this moment. All the energy I spent being afraid of dying has turned into a desire to actually live…not just maintain a pulse or a paycheck…but actually be present in my own life and the lives of others. I have finally been afforded the time to look at the seemingly endless photos I've taken. Which only helped me realize that life isn't about capturing the moment…it's about letting those moments capture us. I could sit at home, gain weight, watch TV, avoid everyone I care for and blame you for it. But I won't…I can't. I'm sick of blaming others. I've spent my whole life blaming everyone and everything for what was wrong and what was missing. I'm done with that. So, like I said… I most likely won't be home when you come by. I'll probably be on my bike…enjoying these empty roads attempting to move faster than you. I'll be strengthening my lungs so that they are less susceptible to your attacks and with every other breath, saying, “hello” to the others daring enough to enjoy the outside. But if I am home when you come by, I won't be alone. The rebel you've inspired decided on a different strategy than isolation. You see…if you want new results, you need new methods. I've spent enough of my life alone to know that isolation never heals…it hurts… it kills. I have filled my house with the people that remind me how valuable this life is and what I'm fighting for in the first place. You want them…? You'll have to get through me… and I'm not going down without a fight. If your only goal was to kill me, don't worry, you succeeded. The person I was before you arrived… is gone. I guess I have you to thank for that.

Getting Through Chronic Lyme Disease Having a chronic disease is terrifying. It hurts, not just physically, but emotionally. I've learned that a disease can't define your life. If you let it define who you are, your life will be miserable, and that's all there is to it. But how can we separate a disease with our own identity when a Chronic Disease affects your life so much? I'd like to share my experience so far with Chronic Lyme Disease and we'll learn together. I was seventeen when my health started to get worse. The worry was palpable and constant. My parents and I went to several different doctors, specializing in different things. And every single doctor gave me a dozen scary possibilities, tested me and then told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. That I was overreacting. After the fifth doctor to tell me that, I even started to worry if my parents would continue to believe me. I felt like I was broken. I was in severe, debilitating pain and not a single doctor believed me. I had friends ask if I was pregnant and refusing to admit it. I had doctors say I probably had cancer, and a week later tell my mom to get me back to work. Saying I had wasted enough of my parent's money and time trying to get out of work. I'm not joking! I was accused of so many things. But finally, after almost a year of trying, we found out I had Chronic Lyme Disease. When my doctor told me I had Lyme, I actually smiled! I gave a relieved laugh and said, “Oh good, it's not cancer.” She gave me a sorrowful look that I didn't understand then, but do now. The next day my mom and I were calling extended family and friends to tell everyone what was “wrong with me.” And the responses made us realize two things. First off, we knew nothing about Lyme. Second, it was more serious than we thought it was. So, we started researching. And the results were scary. We found out it's chronic. That the symptoms are different for every patient, which means the treatment is different, and there is no easy way to find a treatment that works. That it can be spread to any children I have in the future. That the bacteria inside me can slowly infect and kill each system in my body. After weeks of study we concluded that it was just as scary as cancer. And that this disease could take my life. Now, if you know anything about Lyme you might be thinking we overreacted a bit, since normally Lyme can be cured easily. So, here's a little information. The disease had spread throughout my body so thoroughly that the doctor said it looks like I had contracted it about ten years ago. TEN years of this disease spreading through me. When you first get Lyme Disease, antibiotics will usually kill it. But we didn't know I had Lyme at the time. We didn't go to the doctor, because at first, I didn't show any symptom. They came slowly. Slow enough that I adjusted to each symptom as it came, barely noticing it. So, the bacteria from the Lyme grew, it spread, and then it colonized into one big mass inside me, and started basically, to eat me from the inside. The symptoms did not become severe until I got in a car accident at age seventeen, which jerked, and in a way, activated the Lyme. After learning about the disease, we had to learn how to live with it. And I'll admit, at first, I didn't know how that was going to be possible. All I could think about was everything I could no longer do, and everything that now took so much longer to do then it used to. I was complaining to a friend one day when she gave me some of the most impactful words I have ever heard. She said “The disease isn't who you are. You don't introduce yourself by saying ‘Hi, I'm Katherina, and I have Lyme Disease.' When people ask about you, you tell them your hobbies, your job, what you enjoy doing and who your family is. Eventually Lyme will come up in the conversation, but it's just one, small, aspect of the million things that make you, you.” And she is right. My life does not revolve around a disease. A disease affects every aspect of my life. The difference is small but completely changed my life. Instead of telling people ‘I can't do that', I say, ‘can we do something else instead?' I've found ways to do the things I enjoy even with disease. I've found tricks, diets, medicines, schedule changes, and so much more, that allow me to work full time and go to college full time. I'm still the same person. I'm determined, strong, kind, I still love music and the outdoors. Family is still the most important thing in my life. I still laugh. I still have a beautiful life. Even with, a chronic disease.