14 July 2011–Italy “No. This can't be right.” The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. I hear them recoiling in the still air of the kitchen, dropping heavily on the floor, and staying still – like forgotten corpses. The soft chatter that had filled the kitchen until that point ebbs into silence. My eyes are still locked on the mobile screen, but I can feel everyone's stare piercing my head. It's Dad who talks first: “What happened, son?” I switch off the screen, take one big gulp of air, and try to smile naturally – but my throat feels like a tender patch of heat. “Nothing…I…I just have to use the washroom…” I know they can sense the lie, but before anyone has the time to do anything, I jump off the chair and I'm already out in the hallway. My mind is clouded, I can feel the blood rushing to my head, but I keep walking straight. I reach the bathroom, open the door, and lock it behind me. One single tear slides down my cheek, just kissing the edge of my mouth before I brush it away with a quick jerk of the hand. “Unfortunately, we decided not to publish your story in our publication. We received so many good applications and we just couldn't publish them all. We thank you for thinking of us.” Reads the beginning of the email, and until here it's all in the norm. I have already received six or seven of these, no big deal. But the following lines…I don't even want to read them again, and yet the words lie there on the arrogant screen, undeniably clear: “Usually, I don't add anything to a rejection letter, but I feel obliged to in this case. I strongly encourage you not to stop writing: you are not talented enough. A twelve-year-old would have done a better job. Sincerely, M. Pifferi” I guess I should be honored. After all, I was nine. It's funny how high my expectations were the first time I ever sent out a poem: I was just waiting for a publisher to sign me and hear a limo honk outside my apartment to take me to the convention of young geniuses. The limo never came. I splash some fresh water on my eyes, before stowing the phone in my pocket and returning to the kitchen. *** The following days are harsh. I try to write a little bit, but every time I sit in front of the old laptop, my thoughts are brought back to the cursed prophecy: “you are not talented enough” For a while, I also think of quitting writing altogether, but something slowly begins to dawn upon me: I still love creating stories, and that letter hasn't changed it one bit. “I had been rejected, but I was still in love.” I resign myself to reading and analyzing with cold judgment. I make a list of all the New York Times bestsellers I can find on the web, and then go to the local library asking which of those titles are available. I read them stopping every two lines to write something on my notepad, forcing myself to memorize the sentence structure, the plot twists, and the descriptions. At times, it gets so horrible that I don't even want to start a new book for fear of the work that awaits me. The first stories I write are blatant copies of those I have read, sometimes a mixture of three or more different plots: multicolored yarns knitted together by clumsy hands. I spend the whole summer like this, and when the school year starts, I can't help bringing a book to the classroom and reading it (mostly) between breaks. Slowly, I start using one or two original sentences, then whole paragraphs, and before I even realize it, I'm writing new stories. Still strongly influenced by others, admittedly, but somewhat original. It's exactly one year later that I muster the courage to write a new short story and submit it to the publication that rejected me last time. It's a story about Kashmir and hunger, about food waste and the fiery battle waged against it. As I type the title, “How to Stop the Deaths of 1,000 Azrahs”, my heart is pounding. I don't know if I will have the strength to continue if also this story gets rejected. “No. It won't get rejected. I'm sure of it” I keep whispering to myself as I click the ‘send' button. But even then, I try to keep my expectations low. Everything considered I am still the same kid who was straining his ears to hear the honk of a limousine after sending his first poem to a publisher. *** One aching week has passed since the submission, and I'm in the kitchen again. Dad's old Samsung emits a soft beep, and I slide it out of my pocket. It's an email from the publication. As I read the subject, I can't help containing smile: “I stand corrected” This time I don't need to head to the washroom to read the rest of the email. “Your story has been published and selected as one of the best in this edition. Sometimes predictions can be wrong. I stand corrected. M. Pifferi”. From that day, I've developed a little voice that keeps whispering to me even in the hardest of times: gradatim ferociter. Step by step, ferociously.

The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience? “Obstacles are designed to teach us, not to break us.” My physics teacher Kakai's motto has been reminding me about his strength and knowledge about life and study. I have always appreciated this phrase and whenever I failed, I always repeated it within. However, before his arrival at our school, I was losing my hope. I come from Uzbekistan where the President of the country Shavkat Mirziyoyev, established Presidential Schools in 2019 for youth in order to produce workforces who can compete with the other staff worldwide. Students were selected by testing their knowledge about mathematics, English, critical and logical thinking. As the education system was based in Cambridge there were several challenges for me to get used to having some insufficient results. Question types were strange and answering them in English was agonizing. My results were falling consecutively. Then one day, an international physics teacher arrived. He was Kakai Wasula which then became one of my best friends who is always with me when I feel depressed. The main point in which he helped me was changing my mind about failure. Before his advice, whenever I get low results, I used to get depressed instead of learning from my mistakes. However, after a talk with him, I changed up my mind. After that time, I started looking at my mistakes from the bright side. Instead of being upset, I tried to master the questions that I had made mistakes. Then my results started to show an increase in my worldview. He has been telling me that failing is part of success and plays a good role in life. This golden phrase was my motto if I do something wrong. After a while, there was a big test at school and all the students were stressed because it was the Educational Agency of Uzbekistan itself taking it. The test was the most serious one, as its results play a vital role in my graduation marks. I went to Kakai and asked for some advice. He repeated his words: “Failure is the part of success; it is what you are going to learn tomorrow and don't forget, you are not going to fail. There is something inside you telling you that you can achieve your target. I believe!” I was so proud. Maybe Kakai was lying – there was nothing inside me shining so bright. But, after his motivations, there was a fire burning inside my heart and its sparkles were illustrated by my eyes. That was the time when I learned to be motivated and unstressful. Because I experienced how both ways, being stressed and in opposite being motivated, might have an effect on future progress. Whenever I believed myself and did the test I got high results. With these thoughts in mind, I went to the hall, where all the students were waiting for their papers to arrive. I preferred to sit in front of the camera, while the rest were arguing to sit at the backside. It was lovely to believe in yourself and to know that at least a person believes in you. When the papers arrived, I happily turned the page and saw an easy problem there. I was passionate to finish the test with the best result and justify the confidence of all who believed in me. The test was over and the results were out. I started to search for my name from the bottom so my happiness will be greater if I find myself at the top. There my name was! At the top of the page! Just as Kakai told me, failures made me stronger than before. It was part of my success. From that time on, I get happy when I face some challenges or failures that now I can learn something new.

The internal battle within myself is so loud. Frustration is the loudest voice of them all. He stands toe to toe with his Arch nemesis Faith. Faith stands back, with his large arms folded, watching Frustration, give this argument all he has. His face is red with fury. The veins in his forehead are protruding with every word he yells at Faith. The closer Frustration gets to Faith, the taller Faith stands. His feet have not moved from his place on the concrete floor. Failure a small, frail being in the corner sits there watching the whole interaction waiting on his turn to enter and appease the whole situation. He chews away at his nails, and spits the skin from his mouth, anxiously waiting his time to step in and say “Alright already. I'll take it from here.” “Are you listening to anything I'm saying!! Why are you just standing there??” he yells now standing nose to nose with Faith. His chest is heaving up and down, with his t-shirt heavy against his body soaked with the sweat of aggravation. Faith stands there in his clean red polo and neatly pressed, and creased, blue dress pants. His mouth forms into a crooked smile. “I was just waiting for you to finish.” He replies calmly. Failure changes his position in the wooden chair in the corner. “Wait what?” he says to himself as he darts his head from side to side. “I've been waiting for this moment! Hit him, Frustration!” He begins his own battle. Faith takes his hand and nudges him as if to say step aside. He moves a few steps and then pivots back to face Failure. “Can I ask you a question?” Frustration folds his arms, pivots to face Faith and relaxes his posture. “I believe the correct way of saying that is ‘May I ask you'. Of course you ‘Can' ask a question.” Faith snaps his fingers and points in his direction. “I'm glad you caught that. I see I've taught you well and I also see that I have your attention.” He walks over and grabs a chair and slides it towards Frustration. Frustration looks at the chair then back at Faith then apprehensively takes his seat. Faith pulls up a seat of his own and sits crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap. “Now that we are both ready to talk in a civilized tone, we can talk civilized business. What is your frustration, frustration?” Frustration scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I am tired. So very sick, and so very tired, of being the only one doing all the work around here. Every time I turn around, I'm getting up early, being awakened from my sleep… to work!!” Faith rubbed his hands together and leaned forward. “So you're quitting?” “I'm not quitting! I'm just saying! You get to sit and watch me go from corner to corner in here, busting my back, while you sit in the corner twiddling your thumbs, smiling at me with that bright grin.I can't stand it!” He folded his arms, leaned back in his chair and pouted. Faith laughed. “You don't seen to have a problem with your little cohort Failure over there making a meal out of his nails watching you.” They both looked over at Failure who was rubbing his thing hands over his vanishing thighs. “I'd really like for him to get up and do something. I need a vacation.” Faith sighed. “Well, if you would like me too. I can stand up and work, but on one condition.” He said putting up his finger. “I knew this was coming.” He said glancing up at the ceiling. “You..” Faith pointed at him, and then moved his finger towards failure, “And him have to go, and never comeback.” Failure sat up with his eyes darting from left to right. “Wait a minute! I didn't say that I wanted to leave. I want you to leave, so I can do what little I need to do.” He turned to Failure, “And he can do his job. You're just here for nothing.” Faith's lip twisted up into a smile. “Oh that's what you think?” “That's what I think.” Frustration retorted. “Well, I have a little news for you.” He stood up and began to walk around Frustration. “I've been taking it really easy on you.” Frustration tilted his head back. “You have have you?” he asked smiling a cocky smile. “Oh yes. You see, all of us. Even I, answer to a Higher Authority when it comes to our job titles. I don't wear this Red Polo for nothing.” He stopped and stood confidently. “Oh yeah so that's supposed to mean something?” Frustration asked. “Who's this higher authority?” Faith smiled. “Oh don't act like you don't know. His name is Jesus.” Failure's knees began to buckle, and Frustration shifted his weight uncomfortably. He pulled out his collar and began to sweat. “You're right.I uh, I did.” “So I'll tell you again. I'll step up but in Jesus name, you have to go.” Frustration stood and so did Failure and they slink away out of the room, heads hung low, and defeated as it was always meant to be. Faith stood in the center of the room. “Alright Jesus. I have done what you asked.”

Most of us doesn't like responsibility, while responsibility is one of the necessary things in life. If one does not take responsibility, how will he change his life? He will constantly brag about his miserable life, but not commit to change it. In today's world most of us fears responsibility. Why? Because it's usually associated with failure. And while failure is also a necessary step in learning, people are afraid of it. And since they dislike failure, they also dislike the associated responsibility as well. People who don't take any responsibility discard the chance of improvement. Since they think it's not their responsibility they don't have to address the problem. But who if not them? The universe won't, I can assure you. And the other people are just as busy as you are, so they won't neither. But the problems are there, and someone must improve upon them. Take your body as an example. Chances are you are not satisfied with your body. You can blame anyone: your genetics, your work, your partner but it won't change the fact. So, you can either A: continue to weep about it, do nothing and slowly but surely be in an even worse position, or B: stop whining about it, and do something. That's what it means to be responsible. You accepted that you are responsible for your body and you are the only one who can change it. This seems like a decent point to talk about the other topic of this essay. The necessity of failure. It is only by failure that we learn. Even if it's not ours, we still learn through it. There is a saying in my native language which sounds like this:” Smart people learn through other's failures. Normal people learn through their own mistakes. And the dumb ones won't learn even from their own”. Numerous authors who wrote great books about learning said this. And if you think about it, the fastest way of learning is doing a mistake, and never committing it again. Most of us are afraid that they will fail at something. But when you think about it, it's irrational: most of our heroes are people who had a major problem, get knocked out, but then still get up. That's what makes them heroes. Not their powers, not their names, but their ability to get up. I have to admit something: I am a huge nerd. I love all the marvel films. I would love to read the comics as well and probably the one hero who is closest to my heart is Steve Rogers. Also known as Captain America. In his first movie he got sent to the floor. And then he stood up. And got knocked out again. Stood up again and said: “I could do this all day”. That moment was one of my turning points: I realized that I must stand up again and again, no matter what happens. I got a little distracted from failures, but nonetheless, I really enjoyed writing that paragraph. I think the connection between the standing up and failing is that you mustn't give up. You need to stand up and go further. If I remember correctly there was an experiment once: there were two groups of students, who had to make pots. They had to make pots. Half of them were told that they will be judged by the quantity of their pots, and the other group was told that they would be judged by the quality of their pots. At the end of the experiment it turned out that Group A (The quantity based one) also made the better pots. Group B spent so much time thinking about what should they do, and how should they do it, that they didn't have time to address the mistakes that came up while they did the pots themselves. I just wanted to point out that sometimes it's better to just start doing the thing you want to do. Don't be afraid of failure if this is learning a new skill because it won't be perfect at first. It probably won't be for second. But the third might be the lucky number. And if not, well, I think you understood what you have to do. Of course, it's not always pleasant. If it's a really intimidating exercise, like building your own website from scratch, with zero coding knowledge, you will try to push it. Lucky you, I have a solution for that too. You just have to split it into parts you can manage. No one gets up at the morning and says: “Today I will invent a time machine!”. If you want to invent one, you have to break it down to manageable steps. This is the same with everything: addictions, habits, projects etc. This is what really helps you, but no one can help you with splitting your projects, or managing your time. You have to do it yourself, you have to take responsibility (we are back at it) for your cool projects and ideas and do your work. I think this is it for now, but it's not complete by far. You shouldn't take my word for everything, and you should implement changes to your life. It's all good that I tell you here that you should do this or that, but you are the only one who can change it, and if you are not satisfied with your current life, or just want to try a new approach to your problems, you should give these tips a try.