Bren13

The Struggle of Being a Wallflower

May 22, 2018 6 years ago

“You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” -Stephen Chbosky I have this favorite book by Stephen Chbosky entitled ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower'. He talked me out of how great it is to be a flower that blooms secretly on the side and not being plucked out because you are not getting noticed. He made me feel superior in that position where I could just get to see the other flowers being taken care of or being torn out, in another sense. Is that really it? I, in reality, see myself as a wallflower. I am proud myself going to campus, going to social events, going to various places and having people around me. I can actually converse with people and engage in normal conversation, such as, talking about exams, talking about our professors, talking about those new controversial couples in the department, or even talking about the shoes sale in the nearest department store. Nonetheless, in all cases, there is a part of me that hides, like a personality that wants to fly out, the ‘social butterfly'. I envy those people who are loud and vocal, can say whatever they want to say and can deal with arguments without feeling bad. Sad to say, I cannot do that, I am tied to the complimentary words and, with all the nodding and smiling. It feels like, I just always need to agree. I am afraid to hurt others' feelings. I am afraid they will hate me. I am afraid to feel alone, so I believe it will be better to hide the other side of me. I envy those people who can be friends with people whom they just met without being nervous and awkward. I am wondering where they get their charismatic personalities to attract numerous people in their life. Personally, it takes me years to be considered a person as a friend. I find it hard to consider a person as a friend whom I just see in the department, in the organization's meetings, at family reunions or even my roommate in just one semester. I envy those people who always have the energy to socialize without feeling tired. For myself, I feel so exhausted after talking to a few people in just a day or talking in front for a project presentation. I view myself as a battery that is being consumed for talking or even facing up people. My comfort zone is on the walls. I feel contented but restrained in that position. There are just so many words I want to say and so many things I want to do but believe they are not for me. I am attached to the wall and the struggling part is that I cannot get out of it.

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