I know I've been in love before, but this man is something special. I have the biggest crush on him. I can sit and stare for hours. I find myself watching him. The things that he does normally I find so sexy. I like the way he ties up his hair or the way he's swivels around in the computer chair just to peek over at me and then turn back around and continue what he's doing. Then I just can't help myself. The butterflies tickle my stomach and I laugh. I don't even know if he even notices, but when I'm with him I can't keep my eyes off of him. The way that he moves it's so powerful, he's so strong, and his voice it's so smooth it flows with such rhythm, and his smile oh how it just owns me. I look at him and I see a life. If it's just me and him then we're in our own world and nothing disrupts us. Such intimate moments are shared when we lock eyes. So much so that I know just what he's thinking and he knows just what I'm thinking and we are so connected. He's my king. A man of many mistakes. An imperfect man with the ability to make me feel like a queen. To him I shall give and for him receive. The wisdom from our growth will be what carries we into forever and a day.

I must have heard it a thousand times. Like a hit song on the radio. You know that same track you're tired of hearing. I'm sorry. And you know what, it probably took a thousand times for me to understand. Silly me I must have thought it was love. You had never plan to change. You had grown so accustomed to me accepting your apology without any apologetic action, that you knew you could keep getting away with it. In my mind I made excuses for you. I have a closet full of your I'm sorry with a broken heart and no hope for a future with you. Even with I still made excuses for you. I was afraid to love. I was afraid to love myself. And so I didn't. I always accepted less.    Somehow me saying this to you, upsets you. You're upset with me. For having the strength to finally say what you need to hear. No longer do I wish to nod my head quietly in acceptance. That I finally decided not take any more of your crap, and that I want to move on with my life. I'm the bad guy and you don't understand where all of this is coming from. Now the roles have changed. Now you're the one that's hurt and confused. That wants an I'm sorry, but I don't owe you an apology. I know that you thought i would always be weak and you could overpower me. Enough is enough. It is time to love myself, so that I can love someone else, and they can love me just the same.

You use my pain to fuel your ego. You lied, you cheated, you scammed your way through our relationship. You will suffer the consequence that comes with crime. I laugh because you slept just fine knowing that you were hurting me. Yet you can't sleep peacefully without me. Am I haunting your dreams? I wasn't aware I had any power at all. As many nights as I sat up and cried over you, you are just now losing sleep? Lucky you.

Was today just a normal day for you? I laid in bed for a long time before I could even get up. I stared at the ceiling above. My mind raced. The spinning room around me was motionless. I jumped out of bed as I can feel the contents of my stomach rise up to my throat. I quickly throw myself over the toilet. The vomit rushes through uncontrollably. This continues until my body feels drained and nothing more comes out. I pull my weakened self to the sink for a drink of water. Then I shuffle through the halls to bed. My stomach hurts. My throat burns. And the moment I find comfort and fall asleep the aching wakes me. I rub my not nearly rounding belly and think to myself in the end it will all be worth it. In and out of sleep. Back and forth to the bathroom. Barely keeping anything down for longer then a minute. Sun up comes and I can only stomach saltines and camomile. The pain I bare sends me to the doctors who tell me, my pain isn't life but death. They schedule me for surgery, a sure thing to remove the pain. I would suffer a week more hopeless, crying, suffering alone. I had allowed stress to destroy me. To destroy us. I'm sorry!

I woke up this morning, cold, so cold my breathe could be seen. I stepped my naked foot on to the icy floor. I quickly reacted by pulling back and reaching down in search for slippers. With no luck I reached over to a dresser drawer to grab a pair of socks. I check windows for a draft. I checked the radiator for heat. Nothing, obviously. I went on into the kitchen and turned on the oven. I filled pots with ice cold water from the pipes and put them on the fire. To the bedroom now to put on something warm and comfortable. I grabbed another blanket for my son and tucked him in tight.\n I sat with patience. The water in the pots were quick to boil. I removed the lids and opened the oven. I knew that would do the trick. I dipped a mug in the boiling water and grabbed a wash cloth from the bathroom. In the kitchen I mixed cold and hot boiling water for water warm enough to wash my face. I look at the clock and it's minutes to seven. Yet darkness is standing still through the window. I continue to make some warm cocoa with a tablespoon of coffee. Need to jumpstart the hellish day ahead. With a mug in hand I got to power on the TV. Who knows where the remote is? Who cares? I barely listen to the news waiting for the weather update and drink from the mug. I hold the warm cup which is cooling off too quickly for my liking.\n Angered by the combination of bitter cold weather with no heat or hot water, I decide to shut the TV off. I grab my phone. I go straight to my ig and scroll. A few memes and a couple videos sure do get the mood to change and I could feel warmth filling the house. I head to the kitchen to turn off the fire under the boiling pots. the bigger pots still full of hot water while the small pot nearly empty. I leave the oven on with the large pot of water for when I need hot water. \n I find myself in a mood. A mood to sit and remember. So I write. I write about my now when cold woke me. I write about before when cold woke me. There I was where no girl should be. Late at night on a empty D train refusing to go home to my miserable life. I was determined with no plan ahead, there is where I'd never go back. The chill in the air could have touched me and it would be no different than the look from the adult man ahead of me. He probably wondered why I was alone. More likely though he saw opportunity to take advantage of a young, gullible, stupid, stubborn girl. \n \\"Hi\\" he began speaking but I didn't respond. At least not for a few stops. I, at the moment could only think you would rather be indoors safe, then sleeping on the D train(which I had done several nights before). Didn't matter to me a stranger was in my presence or the danger I could be in just to avoid the danger I would be in if I went home. Didn't care of who would worry. Didn't believe anyone would. I lit up. Put my best smile on. A few moments of shy flirting and he and I was off those hard train seats and in a comfty cab. I didn't see where I was going. I don't know why I didn't look. It would later be an obstacle.\n He carried my school bag for me. Maybe he was a gentleman. Offered me a drink. Compliments flowed like the drinks he poured easy and smooth, yet much too strong for me to swallow. We talked about nothing for a while. I attempted to feel out the situation I was in (he did too as his eyes glazed me, I am sure he would come to the conclusion he'd get sex and soon), making since of the madness. This, behavior I had grown use to because I had done before for food, shelter and a bed. I had been lucky not to be killed by a complete stranger. Maybe something different was in-store for me. \\"I have nowhere to go tonight, mind if I stay with you\\". Most grown men say no. He wasn't most grown men. He asked about my home life. Much to complicated to discuss and yet he could see how much pain I was in by just the thought. He touched me soft, gentle. Unsure of whether the nature was to console or sexual, I was incapable of being seduced.\n Attempting to kiss me but I was disgusted. I walked to the bathroom. Quickly closed the door. I sat on the floor. It was so cold that bathroom. Woke me out of the moment I was in; and nothing would warm me but the moment of getting into my bed. No matter the punishment I would go home and get in my bed. I left the bathroom. I grabbed my bag. I almost walked out the door. \\"We don't have to do anything, just stay please\\". That probably were true. I had it happen so many times that this could be the time I cuddle with a stranger fully dressed, or slept with one to stay the night. Either way it would be greatly safer than what a night at home would be. I awoke next to a man I didn't know. I was cold. I was alone. Afraid to touch him I got up quietly. I went for my school bag. I went out the door.\n