Thank You to those who Save my Life Am I just anxious or am I really terrified of the world? I've almost died so many times and people think I am worthy of living? People think, I'm special. I'm special how? Because I have a wish to take my own life? Ha! No. Everyone is special. I thought. I thought that and that made me so naive and so dumb. I get it now. I get why I almost died. Because it's a sign that living is just dangerous. The people who saved me from death. Thank you, your the reason I am thinking of you guys now. Without you people, I would never got to experience the people who taught me how to live a little. Thank you to Dr. Diamond as well. You saved my life as a baby. I am grateful for you. You passed away to others but to me, your always living.

I'm only 15. How did this all happen. Why is my life so hard right now. I'm sorry. I hurt people. They just were being jerks and I couldn't control myself. No wonder on how I am fighting my wishes to commit suicide. I'm not even sure if it ever will happen or not. Only time will tell. Jayson... I'm sorry. Not much to say, just, I'm sorry your a b!tchy @ss f#cking betrayer who kept cheating and ignoring me. I'm glad that we ended when we did. I'm sorry that I didn't realize it sooner and end things sooner. Enjoy hell. Jemsen... I'm sorry. We had just met and we were rushing things to far. I was thinking the same thing when you said you wanted to just stay friends and see where we would go from there. Alex... I'm sorry. I know you broke up with me, I know you did lie about you loving me. You could have still rejected me when I asked you will you be my boyfriend. Yet you said yes, I am sorry for all the pressure I put on you... Jemsen... I'm sorry. You did love me but, they died. The feelings we had are gone. And forevermore they will be. We met just 2 years ago on February 26, 2020. I am grateful to have an amazing best friend like you in my life. Ian... I'm sorry. You ditched me, but, I broke up with you because you treated me badly which caused me to become the way I am now. I am sorry for hurting you, but I am only feeling sorry because I gave revenge for what you had done to me... You will never have a place in my life ever again. Jemsen... I'm sorry. You did ask me to do the worst things possible. Asked me uncomfortable questions. Tried to see my body. I have no regrets telling you to stop. But you have no idea how many nights I cried myself and never even slept because of you. Lennon... I'm sorry. Your my best friend Lennon. I had no intentions of breaking your heart when we had just started but, it was only very soon after a break up that we happened and I needed time to myself. I thought of you more as my brother and best friend than as a boyfriend. I am so sorry. Jemsen... I'm sorry. You and I are in different schools. I'm going somewhere else then where you are at right now. So it was reasonable that it ended. Were still good friends at least. Ali... I'm sorry. Your the one who I love the most. Out of everyone I have ever dated. You were my one and only queen. You ruled my heart. No one would ever replace you in my life. Your like none other. But, I kissed someone else, my own best friend and I broke up with you because of me avoiding me messing up again and your dad is homophobic. I am sorry for messing up.

I wanted to write something about how I met my sister, here it is. My sister and I, never knew each other in person. Face to face. An online game brought us together. We met through an online game and became amazing friends. After about a year, I got discord. I told her and we gave each other our usernames and tags and friended each other on there. We started texting on there and soon enough, we began to call. We showed our faces to each other. And all that other sh^^. But while we went on this, things did go hard us. I developed big big anxiety and depression, but was also suicidal. My sister goes through countless amounts of abuse. Verbal, and sometimes physical. I wish I could get a flight and fly to Italy and bring her back here but. I'm only a Minor. And, I'm not sure if I am able to. I live in the United States. Were 5,000 kilometors away from each other. That's almost half the world. I began to cut myself and plan my death. I told her all about it. She told me "no, I can't loose you, your family can't loose you." And so, I gave up on dying. She began to do the same thing she had told me not to do. So I told her the same thing. Noah is the oldest sibling in her house while I am the youngest. I have 1 older brother and thats it. Until I met her. I now have 1 older brother, 1 younger brother, and 2 little sisters. (She's 11, I'm 15) I promised her that, if she ever sacrificed herself. I would either live on and carry on her story and the sacrifice she made. Or, I would give up to be with her again. We made the promise to eventually have her come to live with me and my girlfriend (future wife) and she said she's bringing her girlfriend as well. Of course I want her to be happy but I said, "She can come, but you 2 are sharing a room." My final choice. I love my sister dearly, I wish for her to come now and be a part of my life. Once she turns 18, my birthday present to her are plane tickets to Florida. One for her, and one for her girlfriend. When I know that they are flying in, I will pick them up, bring them home. Let them get settled in. And get them used to the city. My girlfriend and I have agreed to this together and agreed with negotiations, and rules. We gonna need a big house.

Everyday, I lay down in my bed. Wondering what caused me to think this way. The answer is, life happened. Life hit me. I had finally entered reality. Growing up, I was always the one who got good grades, dressed nicely, a huge girly girl. Now I look at myself everytime I stare, blankly into the mirror. What happened? I'm Teddy. Currently an 8th grade student living in the depths of a dark, sad mind. Trapped. Scared? Sometimes it's terrifying. People say, “It wouldn't be any better if you did it anyways.” Did what? Die? Sometimes it seems like the last option but, it never is, is it? No. It isn't. My other option is just, keep it all in. Put that smile on your face no matter how you feel. If you want to rip something apart. Throw everything across the room. It surely would feel good but would it help me? No it wouldn't help me at all. In fact it will make me worse. After turning 13 in 2020. My life changed forever. In fact I don't know if things'll ever be the same again. I changed, everything changed. I dated a girl. I liked it. I cut my hair. I liked it. I wore guy clothes. I liked it. Here I am now, a transgender female to male. At an age of 14. Giving all the attention to my girlfriend possible. I love it. I loved it. I still love it. But my life has come downhill from there. I started cutting myself, hitting myself, losing sleep, crying everyday. I felt alone for too long. I am now just writing this out of my own pain. All this happened during the pandemic. A lot of my time spent as a teenager, since the second I turned 13, I was an entirely different person. No one recognized me. This is the story of a person who changed all because of one person. The one who saved my life, so I could live. This is my life. When I was 6, I started kindergarten. It was easy, simply, spelling, addition and subtraction. Then came 1st grade. I fell, I broke my arm. I healed. In 2nd grade, I had my first boyfriend for 2 years. He left and I moved on. Then came 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade. Then came 6th. 2019-2020. The year the pandemic started. It was semester two and we were about to come back from spring break. I remember I was with my Nana that week and came back. When I found out there was going to be no school for a little bit, I cheered a little bit. Maybe because school can be a bit of a downer. Anyways, for the next little while I waited and waited and once I finally found out from President Trump about all schools being closed. All schools have to stop being face to face and go on being virtual. It was a Saturday when I found out about the deadly disease. I wouldn't leave my room, I would just lay down on my second mattress (from under the bed), eating chips, and watching disney plus. All until I started school again online. I finished 6th grade with all A's. I of course had my mom's help because she was getting paid from her boss to stay home with me while my dad and brother worked. But anyways, 7th grade. I did virtual school and was failing that. So I went back face to face. I cut my hair, wore baggy clothes everyday. Had a lot of relationships with guys. 2020-2021, I had 7 ships. In less than a year. Sounds nice huh? It wasn't nice at all. Isaiah ghosted me all the time, Jacob during our second try, asked me to do things I never liked, Leslie and I only lasted a week. Went through some bullcrap and survived. Shocking. Then there's me now. I am dating my one and true love, my soulmate. Transgender. Transphobic parents. My sister whom I met online, going through abuse but never asking for help. I'm in America. She's in Italy. My brother is hardly home because he works a lot. My parents worry about me 24/7. I used to say “All it took was one step out there, and I can now fly.” Now I say, “No matter how hard things are fight, fight as hard as possible, smile even at the worst of times. And live the life you want to. Careless of what others say and think. Go out there and be yourself. Whether you, or other people like it or not.” I saved other people, now they know I am having a hard time, and look at me. Hardly any help. Having panic attacks in my sleep. Well, when I do sleep. Mostly I don't sleep at all. But no matter what, whenever I have troubles in my life. I always go to the one person that I know will always be by my side forever, my girlfriend. My girlfriend is the one person I will love until the day I die. It wouldn't be worth it if I gave up too soon. I want to live until I am at least grown up, mature. I want to live a happy life. My life wouldn't be happy without her. I love ali. Too much. Me and Ali planned our future. Live together, grow together. Love together. To never grow apart. I promised her I would never leave her ever. If she were alone, I will make sure I am there with her. Fighting by the love of my life's side. Forever. I will do this, always, forever. I love Ali. So one more time. Hello, My name is Teddy. And I am fighting the darkness that surrounds me. To be free, to smile. To live.