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Christian (with tattoos), husband to a wonderful woman, daddy to the most incredible little fairy princess, animal-lover, a believer in fairness to all, believer in education, every day something new should be learned, believer in the power of encouragement, fanatical about words and the worlds it can create - and that is me in a nutshell.
When fathers weep
Jul 27, 2020 4 years agoHas the world created a false image about the persona of a "real" man? Natural protectors, taught to be emotional stable - but were they ever told how to grief? The reality of miscarriage is something that has been around for ages. The destructive footprint it creates, is echoed in many memoirs recorded by psychologists, attempting to counsel broken souls after losing their first, or only chance of becoming a mother. Amidst the despair stands a silent figure, the protector of the family; awkwardly trying to sooth her soul, while fielding yet another message from a close friend or family member asking how his wife is doing. Not many are aware of the hidden sorrow within this man. I will never forget 2015. As many expectant couples do, we were overjoyed with the news that we would be first-time parents. We made so many plans, and went about excitedly creating innovative ways of breaking the news to our parents, soon-to-be first-time grandparents. The news of the miscarriage created something nightmarish within me. All I could do was put all my effort into supporting my wife and buried my feelings deep down to cope. The next morning after receiving the news, I took my wife to have the procedure done to scrape away the evidence of our baby. One of the most challenging things I have ever had to do was to walk out of my wife`s room so that they could take her into theater. When we eventually returned home, we spent hours just sitting with each other in stillness, me almost stony-faced, just holding my wife. With an excuse that I needed to freshen up, I shut myself away in the bathroom, collapsed and broke down uncontrollably. How, as a man, could I have been prepared for this scenario? How is it possible to be there for my wife, yet deal with the feeling that something was ripped from my soul? The next morning we both woke up early, and emptiness filled the room, and I allowed myself to break down in front of my wife, and we wept together for what felt like hours. Within the trauma of a miscarriage, lies the stigma that the man doesn't feel the pain that his wife or partner goes through. True, a woman goes through indescribable pain both emotionally and physically, as her body tries to heal due to the miscarriage-aftermath. However, what the world seems to shy away from, though, is that "real" man, trying to hide his emotions to support his wife, wearing a fake smile while letting the family know how his wife is doing; is equally as devastated. My opinion is that support for the man gets lost in the attempt to comfort the mother. According to the British Miscarriage Association, it is suggested that “More than 50% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage or stillbirth, but that almost half of all men whose partners miscarry never speak about their grief with their partner for fear of saying the wrong thing.” Really? Has society been programmed to that extent to suggest that men cannot show emotions and should not cry? Here`s a thought: It is not because of a weariness that you might hurt your partner, that keeps us silent. Although we are shattered beyond recognition, amidst this storm, we don't recognize our own weeping hearts. We are meant to be warriors, and yet the weeping heart of a father is unreal to us as men and yet as real as the mother's despair. Strangely, studies had to be conducted to see the effect of a miscarriage on men. Considering society`s false image, are these studies led to see how men can be counselled, or is it done to see if men are supporting their wife or partner correctly? More needs to be done to support fathers going through miscarriages. Men need to write about the suffering of men; without taking away the sorrow of a mother. When a couple experiences a loss like this, healing is needed for both parties. Every year in the birth-week of our baby, this father`s heart still weeps quietly.
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