I've been wondering why I've been feeling like I've been making less progress lately and I think it's because I hopped back onto the dating sites again. After I broke off the engagement with Mark, I promised myself I would try to find myself and I was making some progress but then it's like I went back to my old bad habits. I felt guilty when my therapist was telling me the other day how proud she was of me because I wasn't dating and I was really focusing on what made me happy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. I thought I could start dating again without feeling like I used to; like I needed validation from these guys I dated but it's still happening. I started dating one guy that showed some red flags in the beginning but I went out with him because I thought he deserved a chance. The date wasn't amazing but I decided I would see him again. Since that date, he was all over the place communicating with me and said he was going to hang out with me on a particular day and then never followed through. My best friend didn't have the best feeling about him. He didn't think he was necessarily a bad person but he didn't think he was compatible with me. Despite all of this, I decided to go on a second date with him. We went on this extreme hike to Hubbard Park's castle and we had a great time. We laughed, talked, drank a little and kissed a whole lot. When I got home, I fell apart. Part of it was because I skipped taking a pill but another part of it was because my anxiety was sky rocketing over thinking he wouldn't continue to like me or accept all of my flaws. These feelings ruined the rest of the night. I want to stop feeling that way. I need to gain some self-love and self-confidence before I put myself back into the dating world. I'm not doing myself any favors dating too early. I'm just undoing the progress I've been making and I risk hurting people that I date. I think I'm going to break it off with him before it gets more serious. Ever since I started dating, he's all I've been thinking about even though I don't even know if I like him that much! I check my phone constantly and him paying attention controls how I feel. I need to break it off so I can finally focus on me again. I need to do this for myself. I need to break the cycle for real now.

Today started off really well. I went on a date with a nice guy and we had a really good time. He acts like he wants to go on a third date and when I go home I break down. Why? I realized I forgot to take one of my anxiety pills and my anxiety rocketed. This made me want to crawl up into a ball in my bed and did for a little but I forced myself to get out and do some writing. Writing usually gives me some kind of perspective but I'm having a hard time today. I feel like I'm broken and that no one could possibly be want to be with someone like that. I know I have to keep fighting and that is the most important thing to do but I'm so tired of having to do that every day. And when I think that I will have to make this effort for the rest of my life it makes me feel really overwhelmed. I wish God didn't choose this life for me but I'm sure there was a reason for it. I just haven't figured it out yet.

I started talking to a guy yesterday that really impacted me. I know nothing will probablly come of it because of the distance but the conversation we had really resonated with me. Because he said he was a therapist, I immediately felt safe and calm during our text messages. We revealed a lot to each other, things that we don't usually share with just anyone. I discussed my struggles with my mental illneses and he understood and I felt like he really cared. Sometimes that makes all the difference in the world: finding someone that really truly understands and doesn't try to make it better; he just listens and acknowledges that dealing with all of these obstacles are very difficult. We have a lot of other similarites in common but him accepting me and all of my scars means more to me than I can put into words. I don't feel broken when I talk to him. I just feel like a normal person that sometimes has to work a little harder to find life enjoyable. I know we just met and you can call me crazy but he's already positively infliuenced me.

I learned something new today. My therapist thinks that I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The definition on the internet states “BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance. People with BDD can dislike any part of their body, although they often find fault with their hair, skin, nose, chest, or stomach.” I was blown away by this definition because it described me perfectly. I always knew I had anxiety but I didn't know there was such a specific form of it. Knowing this really opened my eyes because I was never able to fully relate to others that had anxiety. Sure, they knew all about the heart racing, panic attacks, lack of appetite and insomnia but their obsessiveness with their image was never their trigger. In some ways, I feel better knowing that there is a disroder that fits me exactly because it means that I'm not crazy; I'm not alone. If doctors labeled this obessiveness as BDD then it must mean a whole lot of other people must be suffering from it. This comforts me somewhat. Maybe since I am now armed with this knowledge I can soothe myself easier knowing that what I'm fixating on is either an illusion or an overexaggeration of my imagination. I have a long road to recovery but I am grateful to God every day that I am slowly making progress. I know I will always have my bad days but my hope is that they will start to be less frequent. No matter how difficult things get for me in the future, I want to remember that I have already overcame a lot and I will continue to overcome. I am a fighter. And I deserve happiness.

She meets him online and his attention excites her immensely. Knowing next to nothing about him doesn't worry her since his pictures indicate that he's handsome and his flattery towards her is endless. They talk for weeks but make no plans to meet up. This bothers her but she doesn't want to voice her disappointment incase he leaves. And she doesn't want to be left alone. Months go by and she gathers her courage and asks to videochat. She yearns to connect his face with a voice. She wants her fantasy of him to become more real. To her relief, he agrees. They set up a time for the next evening. As she presses the FaceTime icon and his video begins to load, she feels her heart in her throat. “Good evening sweetheart.” His voice sounds a lot huskier than she expected but that doesn't surprise her as much as his face does when his video finally comes into focus. “Cat caught your tongue?” She struggles to find her voice but she couldn't seem to do anything but stare. “I know I'm a little bit older than my pictures but it's still me. I'm still you're Henry.” Upon more scrutinization, she recognizes the man before her based on his profile but he must be at least twenty years older. “I didn't think of you as a shallow girl,” he scolds her. “I thought our connection meant more than anything else. That's the only reason I agreed to videochat with you. I see that I was mistaken...” “No, wait!” She finally finds her voice and his threat of abandoning her terrifies her. “I was just a little taken aback but I'm okay now. You're still the same guy I fell for.” Henry smiles, revealing yellow, crooked teeth. She tries not to shudder outwardly and does her best to smile back. “I promise to love you forever kiddo. I'll never leave your side.” She feels herself gagging at his words but this is what she wanted for herself; she wanted to be worthy to someone, even if that person was old enough to be her father.