The Paradox of Mask

Do you ever feel the true-you is hidden, even from yourself? Do you want to be invisible and hide from people? This idea was always appeared in my head and I guess you would have the same feeling as mine sometimes, so do you. The term " mask " here refers to something which we always use to cover our true selves and my story of self-discovery should begin here. For the longest time in my life, I was a soft and dedicated person. By valuing and focusing on the definition of "being a good person", I found myself was usually available for people even they weren't very dear to me. Even I didn't want to help them out, I could not manage to say "NO". I have been by people's side, fought for them, defended for them, cried for them, kept their darkest secret, forgave them. All I have done because I needed to feel loved and connected to those people. Honestly, all of my “good deeds” should've preferably have fetched me an army of people to fall back on as well, isn't it? For people to shared my worries and joy with, for people to have my back, for people to be loyal to me just as I was to them, for people to be kind to me because that's about the least one can expect in this scenario? And yet, as the years passed by, over and over again I would find myself all alone. Devastatingly alone. Day by day, little did I know that was the real problem. The fact that everybody else mattered to me but myself. That day in my life arrived after I was left exhausted with all the emotional demands made of me, day in and day out, with absolutely no such kindness returned. Thinking about the days, I allowed those people to used my time, my emotion, and my energy, and more importantly, I let them define how to dictate I was. The reason is I was very busy maintaining the relationship with them without taken care of the connection with myself. Jeez.. the poor old me was not the real one since I always hid someone behind the mask. I tried so hard to fit in yet still felt uncomfortable to hang out with. I kept going round and round in circles, looking for love. Everywhere, in each person I met. But myself. Once I realized what a non-person it made me look like, I stopped doing that.Anyways, thanks to those people, I could totally define the word "AUTHENTIC" briefly. And then I stopped hiding!!! I began to abandon those fake masks. I once encountered a quote of someone perhap a stranger on Facebook. " If you want the moon, do not hide at night, If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns, If you want love don't hide from yourself". I could say that this quote really did wake me up from my deathbed and opened my eyes. I started saying No, and I made sure I stuck to those Nos. The best part about choosing Yourself is the freedom that comes with it. The freedom of knowing you are the person you ought to and need to impress first. This means, You set the benchmarks of what is right, how much you can do, how much you are willing to bend yourself for something or someone. Again, The more I stopped hiding, the more I got the courage to be Myself and the more I got to be Myself, the less I needed to hide. The more I fell in love with myself, the less alone I felt. The interesting part about showing myself to the world and accepting the way I am; I noticed a few beloved people who truly love me the way I am. Because of them, a new relationship was born. Hence quit hiding behind those self-esteem issues, behind that mask of politeness and diplomacy when you just want to be raw and honest, or that pretend of being ordinary and average for the fear you might be taking over someone's shine. Lastly, It is okay to be different!!! Cause baby so am I, so am I... don't hide, own your shine, don't let anybody tell you you've got to be someone you're not. Also, this article popped up in my mind after I've been listenning to Ava Max's song titled "So Am I" so many time :). Believe me or not, all of her music is amazing and actually means something.

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Jane Doe

Aspiring writer, budding linguist.

Cape Town, South Africa