Have you guys watched that movie? It's really good one, innit? However this is not about made up stuff but based on true story…  On this day, nothing was different: just finished the work and I had an appointment at the salon (Friday night).. It was my first time with this particular master.. Struggle is real.. (Girls understand me well..) so anyways this is completely different story, but this master made me wait like more than half an hour.. and by the time she's done it was all dark and late.. In the subway.. on my way back to home.. Suddenly someone calls me: “Sista..” in uzbek.. I look at back.. Young girl in her 20's… She asks me where P station is.. 🥷🏽: I can show you where it is, I'm going to the same direction.. We started a conservation.. She was slightly taller than me.. young pretty lady with a type jawline any model would desire, long dyed hair (damaged from bleach), light sport outwear (it reminded me of my outfits from 2000's) and some sorta pants? (I don't remember exactly why)..  She would act very confident but something was off about her.. Was she anxious? .. not sure.. She also mentioned that she has 2 kids and just came back from Russia.. and asked if I'm married.. (Of coz 🤓sodda bo'miy o'liy, I told her I'm divorced).. Our train comes.. we hop in.. she sat next to me.. 🤵🏼‍♀️: You know.. I'm going to one place.. (babir chirip ketadi ishlatish kere, which means it's gonna rot anyways you gotta use it).. 🥷🏽: (Whaat?!, at this point I'm doing my best to hide my shocked face..doesn't say a thing to her.. ) 🤵🏼‍♀️: He's very nice guy, he'll give us 400,000 sum (which is roughly $35), we're gonna split.. you get 200,000 for an hour.. He's not gonna torture you…don't worry.. 🥷🏽: (What the actual F*# is happening here… pretending I'm interested in this ‘deal' and letting her talk…) 🤵🏼‍♀️: I need to go back to Russia anyways, you're gonna stay, he has 2 houses, car.. he will provide you anything you want.. 🥷🏽:(My sweetheart.. if you only knew… I had better ‘deal' than this.. when I was 20, I had a potential being one of #topGeisha in Ginza lol, totally different story based on true events.. but we will talk about it later.. I actually didn't say this to her, it's only my inner thoughts..) 🤵🏼‍♀️:Yurin… yurin… she would try to convince me to go with her…She takes out a chocolate from her bag and tries to give it to me.. 🥷🏽:No thanks.. (luckily my grandpa taught me not to drink and take anything edible from strangers since I was a kid) You need to take off in this station..now.. 🤵🏼‍♀️:Yurin…yurin (Let's go)… 🥷🏽: Next time.. She walks away..   I was thinking who was she? What was her story? Did she had someone who cared about her? What made her to choose this lifestyle? Why didn't I stop her? What could I have done differently to prevent her going there? $20? Why didn't I give it to her? Of coz, I'm not rich and etc.. but Why didn't I try to change her mind?  And most importantly why these thoughts didn't come to me at that moment when I had a chance to change something? I know maybe I couldn't able to change anything.. at least I could've tried.. But what was omens telling me? Why did I need to meet her that night? According to my classmate, I needed to ‘experience' this in order not to go out after shom.. I can clearly remember her face.. I think she was high.. she didn't had that inner peace.. would talk from ‘bog'dan.. tog'dan..) But the most saddest part is her 2 kids.. I don't wanna judge anyone.. but where are they now? Which kinda individuals they would become without mothers love? I felt bad for not being Sandra Bullock's character from “The Blind side”.. I hope I'll get to that point one day.. ✨ And to that stranger girl, who I've met that night.. I hope you'll find your inner peace soon.. until than.. I'll see you next time…

“Surprise, Mrs. Thomas, the test is positive”. “What test?, the young mom begs for an answer. “You're pregnant.” The inspiring peace in his eyes makes you realize you're supposed to be happy about this moment but then you look at your husband. You are both terrified. “Now it's just not a stomach bug, I'm even more sick to my stomach. It's the gut-wrenching realization that you may not live much longer. We had decided four years ago that we couldn't do this again. We barely made it out alive with the first baby. Between being born too early and momma almost dying, it would be too dangerous and selfish to bring another life into this world, but God has another plan. Four months later, everything is going fine, we have a name picked out, bedroom painted pink and a plan to not leave my first baby without a mom. Then karma kicks in and kicks me straight to the ground, literally. While wearing three inch heels in a church parking lot, I loose balance trying to protect one baby from oncoming traffic that I forget, there is a baby in my belly that needs protection too. While I'm on the ground I rip my heel off of my foot and realize that my ankle is obviously broken, deformed and dangling off my leg. I'm rushed to the hospital and doctors have to look at the dusty medical books to see what medication can be given to a pregnant woman. The baby in my belly is still alive but my leg won't be much longer if it's not fixed quickly. The next week is full of terror as I have to make the choice to have a big surgery to save my leg, my lifestyle, my peace. I know it's not good to take pain medication or have x-rays while pregnant but I don't have an option. Either pins, plates and screws, or amputation. I think I make the right decision until the guilt connects the understanding two years later. The baby and I both make it through delivery, learning to walk, learning to eat, learning to pee in the potty but then our world is turned upside down. On a random night, her dad looks at her and asks “why is your nose swollen?” In the few words that she has found over the past two year, she explains; “it's a jewel.” “Like one of these plastic ones?” he asks holding up a shimmery plastic gem. Antibiotics, scans, biopsies and several months later, I get the call no parent can prepare for. “Hi I'm looking for the parents of Birdie?” “Yes I'm her mother”, I say with fear chocking me, stealing my breathe . “Mrs. Thomas, Birdie has cancer” the doctor has tear rearing up in his eyes that you can hear running down his nose through the phone. My mind went blank as soon as I hear the “c-word”, I know he told me more details but I can't hear them. Momma is already in fight mode. I have to fight to save this baby that God gave me when doctors say I couldn't have anymore. I know there is a grand plan for her, but I have to help get her there. “We need to get you in for an immediate PET scan and biopsies,” the oncology team details the treatment plan. A year of chemotherapy, thirty days of radiation and a surgery to remove the entire tumor. Halfway through chemo, it's time to cut the monster out of her face. We know that Rhabdomyosarcoma has little fingers that invade every part of her little face but the doctors are on the same page as us. “We will need to cut it all out, leave a hole in her face and probably take more of her face off until we get clear margins,' the surgeon tells me. “I'm not here to make her look pretty, I'm here to help save her life.” This surgeon is why we chose to get treatment here instead of the world-renowned hospital next door. I know that this is going to be harsh. My little baby has half her face ripped off by a scalpel, in a desperate attempt to save her life. The beeps, lights and constant heart-pounding fear cripples my mind, destroys my faith and paralyzes my understanding. My baby is on life support, I was not prepared for this. I can't protect her from any of this, I'm the one helping the nurses hold her down while she's poked and prodded. The next six months, is a blur. Doctor appointment, infusion day, radiation day and still working a full-time job, somehow doesn't break me. Two years later, my baby is still alive, her face is deformed but the only thing that matter, she does not have cancer anymore. She may not be able to breathe through her nose, may have random aches and pains, my not be able to have adult teeth or a baby of her own, but she's alive. As I try to explain that we're still fighting the effects of the horrific treatment, all of the other kids that started this journey with us, have pass on. “Momma, I'm just lucky” she says through eyes that have seen more than I ever will. “I know baby, everyone has been praying for us” I say with conviction in my heart. We may never know positively if that broken ankle is what did this to her, but I will fight until my dying breath to help her through it. We're paving the way for those that come behind us.

I thought I had flirted with death before... but this time I almost fell for her. Many young men believe themselves to be immortal, and I've been no exception. On average, over three thousand people a day die from car crashes, and many more are injured or disabled. This thought had never entered my mind, but soon it would knock on the door, walk in, and stay with me forever. Before I knew it I was heading straight into an Edison power pole. The sound was a terrible, deafening sonic blast of reverberating waves, tsunamis of grenades breaking over acres of Oak trees. Unlike the movies, the crash did not stop there. In reality, I was breaking clear through the fibrous wood of the power pole, rolling down a steep embankment beside the road, and becoming cocooned in the connected power lines before coming to rest on the two-ton driver's side surface. This began the commencement of a devastating concussion. My left leg was dislocated and broken in the hip, kneecap, and ankle, and would soon have several metal rods and plates implanted in each joint. My leg broke through the carpet floor and metal undercarriage, against an eighteen inch chrome wheel rim, which was gazetted away like a frisbee upon the first impact. The five point seven liter V8 engine was torn and ejected from it's steel cavity like a slingshot, as the five speed Mercedes transmission was gutted from the central structure like the spine of a fish. It all happened so fast. Emergency personnel quickly arrived, and assumed from the fray that my body was ejected out of the vehicle. When they couldn't find it, they discovered my limp body against the ground, still in the pilot's seat, and still alive. The short mental countdown of the firemen began, knowing there wasn't much time left to save me, and they started freeing me from the wreckage by cutting holes through the undercarriage of the cream colored, steel chariot. After fifty five minutes of strenuous exertion by the brave firemen, and the strapping of my sleeping body to a stretcher, I was hoisted on the helicopter, and headed to the hospital. My prized street car was a total loss, having missed the recent insurance payment, but that was the least of my worries now. I remembered nothing of the accident, or the events that day, and constantly wondered why I was there, vacillating between flirting with the nurses, and fighting them over my breathing tubes and many injections. The morphine and other heavy pain medication did little to improve my temperament and mental clarity. Having recently arrived, I was speaking to my mother while holding her hand, and suddenly felt a lightness and total relaxation, with a visceral feeling of love permeating my body and being. Unbelievably, I was being carried up and out of my body as my vision began to change. I realized my eyes were closed, yet I was seeing with a brilliance I had never, ever experienced before. I was enveloped in unconditional love and light, seeing all four of my late grandparents, as well as my departed aunt and uncle from different sides of the family, including my mother's younger brother who had died as an infant, and of course, never met me. Strangely, they all looked the same age to me, early thirties. I remember wondering why they were so happy, and weren't worried like the people in my hospital room were. I wondered if they had influenced my survival from what I was told had looked like sure death. I was captivated by the face of my mother's father, who I've always known as “Pop”, and his expression of excitation and adoration like the rest. I gasped to him, “I don't believe it!!!” to which he shrugged and replied back deftly, with his signature matter-of-fact charm “...Well, believe it!!!” His mouth wasn't moving, and I realized mine hadn't been either. What an effective way to communicate, I thought! Using my mouth, I proceeded to describe my newfound environment to my worried mother, including the warm, light, cloudy backgrounds, and the familiar faces glowing with light. I marveled at the sights with my eyes closed, relishing the all-encompassing feeling that can only be described as pure love. I told her “I'm about eighty percent with them now, and only twenty percent with you.” This worried her considerably, telling me to come back to her. I was very resistant to this idea, wanting to stay habituated in wonderland or heaven, wherever I truly was. I didn't want it to end. I didn't care much about the true location, only the feeling I was experiencing and wanting to prolong. After much internal friction, I agreed to break off the connection, and she watched my heart-rate visuals on the monitor slow significantly, before opening my eyes and announcing I was back. Even now, it's hard to imagine this experience as something most would consider real, yet it was more detailed and vibrant than any of my waking hours. I only wish I could explain it better.

I still remember my mother frantically waving goodbye with both empty hands swinging in the air on the day I left her, for the last time. Life has not been the same since then. Occasionally, I hear her innocent chuckles across the halls of my house and when I follow them - helplessly detecting the source; they become distant and then finally faint. The traumatic memory has forever engraved a feeling of guilt in my heart- the guilt of not being able to protect my most prized possession. Darkness descended, the water was calm, and the moon barely visible through the cloud cover. "Son, will you come back soon?" Mother inquired hesitantly. I had joined the army a few years ago and since then, life constituted of endless travels due to my strict schedule. As I packed the last of my things, turning towards mother, I saw the worry that lurked in her blue eyes. I held her bony hands with their calligraphy of veins, and assured her that I would be back the next morning. The night came down like sheets of silver knives; blinking my eyes continuously, I made an effort to while away my fatigue and stay alert, for I was part of the battalion watch guard of the line of control. Just then, I heard briskly walking footsteps approaching towards me. "Sir! Sector 9300 is under attack! Immediate orders have been issued for Battalion 194 to change posts." As the envoy marched away, I felt sick to my stomach. A cold fear rushed through my veins. It occurred to me, that sector 194 included my own residence! Upon reaching the site, I felt a strong taste of metallic fear in my mouth for the sky was bleached white with drifts in it of what first appeared to be red smoke, but then proved to be blood red dust. Broken, shattered pieces of glass, destructed buildings and fallen trees lay amidst a mesh of blackened faces with streaks of blot clot. The streets were dark- not just dark, but pitch dark. Marching through the mist of thick grey smog, searching endlessly for my resident, I was praying and hoping that Mother would be alright. Adjusting my eyes to the gloom, I saw the figure of a woman. As I came closer, the silver splintered brown hair and velvet wrap illuminated my thoughts. Her face was barely recognizable due to the immense destruction. With eyes suffused in tears, I took off my jacket in vein and gracefully covered her body. She was gone and there would never be another like her; an overwhelming personality with a soothing spirit and a voice that could move crowds to both tears and laughter. If only I had not left her. If only I had never said goodbye.