It had started with a beautiful day in My hometown where I have learned such a beautiful lesson that I will never forget. Even though everyone was smiling, the sun was shining and children were playing happily, but my eyes were sparked by only one person; the one who was sitting under the tree with a smiley face, asking for a penny, to buy a loaf of bread saying Good Morning to everyone passing through him, I did not know what the first action should I make, wondering if I can ask him how is he doing? Is he okay? Why he ended up like that? Many questions came into my mind, because of that smile. How can any person be happy while he keeps always crawling from one street to another begging people for money and food? I was imagining myself if I were in his place my whole life will turn to a hell based on sorrow and grief. How can I smile while myself, and my spirit is telling me to cry, I would never endure this feeling, so I went toward him and asked all that came into my mind? With a sweating body and a trembling voice I said : Good morning, he replied with a grin on his face, wakey for a pretty lady I smiled sadly, and asked why? Why are you being so fake, pretending that you are having a good time and happy while you are not? Your eyes show you within pain and your hidden tears !? He answered me why are you so sad? don't you have everything? mm …Your eyes are telling something had happened? I was surprised by his answer asking curiously: how did you know? He told me we all have emotions but it depends on us if we like to show them or not. Yes I'm sad and you can bear neither my feelings nor my pain of having no shelter no family and no friends, but I try always to overcome the harsh memories I try to be positive and look to things from another perspective, I asked again but why? He told me because I believe in miracles I believe that there is someone who is always stalking and tracking me when I'm sick or sleeping I asked with wonder what makes you sure about that? he said because I feel it and for me, this feeling of being safe and protected means the world to me even more than being happy. I asked with amazement but who is that "someone"? He replied back with confidence he is in the sky watching me every day and I'm pretty sure that one day I will get what no buddy else had before, I will live with my own family and play with my kids because this life is not the one it is all fake, am sure that there will be something prepared only for poor people who did not have the chance to be like you or any ordinary person in this life. One day we will all die and none of us will take his money or glory to his grave, we will be alone there; in a place where we all be equal in. I started crying, and with a faint voice, I admitted: I wish all people think like that. I do not know why should we care about our good looking, job salary and what the others say about us, why do we care that much hate in our hearts why..? He answered softly because the truth hurts and hard to be accepted. I will give you advice my dear try to keep it for the rest of your life; just be who you are and if you want to do something that people think is weird while you really want to do it, just do it and never care about them .like smiling even when you are begging, as I did today although it was unfair to you? I surprisingly answered... how did you?... he gave me a tender smile and said yes This Life is so "UNFAIR" was what I have seen In your eyes.

You used to be smiley and tender No clocks were an obstacle No time was present to you and me To your love, to your love, to me… No space was a barrier to you and me No place was of importance for us to meet One day you did not smile to me One day you did not care Just a suitcase at the front door And the clock was ticking And the time was present to you New barriers, new places are created in our space I named our love ‘it'… For ‘It' is gone…

I ll never forget the face of that woman. She was sitting at an ideal place, at the fish tavern with her partner. She was enjoying a good fish platter with her husband or partner. She was next to the sea, she had the luck to enjoy the sea breeze and sun in a beautiful island. But did she look happy? Was she happy? You can guess the answer... And the answer is no, she looked deeply miserable. And unhappy. Miserable and unhappy together can be a deadly combination. You wander. Why people have sometimes everything they have asked for but still do not enjoy it? Why do we make life complicated? Why can't we live in the moment? Someone said that if you are too anxious about the future you are not present. You don't live the moment. Is it so hard to achieve that ? I' ll never forget the face of that woman who just gave me a day lesson. "Remember to smile. You never know who will fall in love with your smile".

I look myself in the mirror, I can discern the decay of my face. There is no smile anymore. The stasis of my lips offers satisfactorily lust in my thoughts that torment my mind with Medieval methods. I touch my idol in the mirror and I hurt. I try to close his eyes, but I cannot. They stay open and still and they look morbidly. Chainsaws echo from the overlooked cemetery, tear into pieces mercilessly the marble crosses. What have I done to myself so he looks at me like this? Why my sharpened teeth do not appear on the glass surface with sole purpose to bite her? Sorrow hallowing my forehead with sorrow. Indestructible thorns jab more deeper in the flesh of my skull. Bloody tears sparkling in my hands' palms. If I scream I will die. If I die I will have to kill. If I kill I am obliged to leave. If I leave, I will return. God, why, the sorrows of people transmute into ebony coffins that are buried within my heart? If only I could soothe my consciousness for seven days… I feel something to choke me. My throat is asphyxiating while my glass idol laughs horrendously. I can't stand the howling. No, yell at me no more. Reigns powerful silence, and then spasms commence recalling me in my starting position, before abyssal darkness arrogates my senses. Maybe fate leads me in a deathly destiny, which in case it happens, will become the salvation which is the highest virtue for a tormented soul like mine. No, I don't murmur. The existing circumstances of life have tired me insurmountably, because as I try to open a way out to the future, it ricochets me to the past. Death is the physical continuation of life, and I will be delighted if it happens to the days of my youth, for the simplest reason, that I cannot avoid him. To speak the truth, I don't want to avoid him. I want desperately to remain alive and to feel whatever joy I can, but they don't let me. In which attempt I give or trying to be present, they find ways to chain me and isolate me. The only thing that will never succeed in accomplishing is to handcuff my mind. A free spirit clearly suffering, but in no way it can be imprisoned. A free spirit prefers death so not to lose innocence, insight, respect and prestige. I have thought many times while I stroll in the city, how life would continue if I committed suicide… For sure there will be consequences and repercussions to people who they love me , however they would continue to exist without me, and with the flow of time the rift of pain would heal in desired spots. The verb “die” does not fit here, so, reasonably I use the verb “suicide”. Suicide is not an act of cowardice as some falsely believe. Because nobody knows how much pain a single human has within his soul. Nobody knows the spiritual boundaries and the stamina in a daily routine that open wounds that cannot be healed. How many people we see daily that smile whilst inside them are literally devastated… How many people we see daily that seek a kind word, a velvet touch, an understanding breath, and the only thing that get is disdain… How many people daily we place of the beam of desperation without remorse…Here is a key word which provokes pathogenic causes with fatal results. Suicide as a meaning and as an act certainly is the ultimate hybris against God, though requires determination and courage to turn yourself against yourself and violently remove the coveted life in that way. How many of you have done this macabre thought at least once… In this theater of paradox we daily live, the incarnation of life to life seems like an unreachable dream. Loneliness, disappointment, sorrow, wrong choices, guilt, remorse, unemployment, compulsion, hatred, unfairy tax policies, lies, eradication, violation of human rights, greed, selfishness, stab democracy that all people worship. The rule of law which could be, turns into a cradle of powerful coldness where everything collapse upon the enormous steel walls of human separation. Undead people wander everywhere aimlessly. They stamp upon dead bodies, seeking comprehensible sunrays of justice and transparent water to wash away their sins. How would it seem to the violators of this planet, who have elevated the obedient lobotomy to a profitable enterprise, a universal peace, which it would dismiss forever the wars for interest and people would live happily? A universal peace will destroy forever the human funnel grinders of annihilation. Only by thinking of it, my heart shivers from hope and expectation. A universal peace would give meaning in words and prestige in actions of future generations in a planet which agonizes… The only thing that is needed is an incision of kindness into the hearts of men… An incision that will bring back long-forgotten feelings, good deeds, smiles, hope… Hope for a palatable future life. We need love to live, not pain. Tears drop from my eyes as my words breath on the paper. What I wish for, what I want is, my words breathe inside your psychic dreams…

I remember when I was a child – when I had wide eyes and wore white. I remember trying to capture butterflies as I twirled and danced my way through the flowers. I remember the scent of blossoms, and mildew, and the smell of dusk and taste of dawn. The warm embrace of sunshine cocooned me as I echoed my laughter throughout a world that opened its arms and caught me when I fell. Today, I can now reach the top shelf and think for myself. Cracked eyes leak wisdom, and hands shake with effort. I see you and the world. I see it broken as it is – destroyed and decaying as humans run across it like ants. The stars glitter through white smog, and a single hand can count the trees. The pavement grazes my knees when I fall, and no one's words mean more than a shallow step to get ahead in the game of life. I realise as I have grown older that age is just an allusion; adults' bicker like kids, and when they shout, they don't get reprimanded. An adult is only trying to survive and look alive in a society that aims to tear each other down. Growing up is not a matter of age, but rather a matter of perception. Adults pull roots from the soil, destroy homes to build factories, dump garbage in seas, and murder animals for the chase of the kill. Today the world is broken, and no one (not even the grown-ups) knows how to fix it. I remember the exact moment when I became a woman and no longer a girl. I was 13. I recall looking around and realising how destroyed everyone was: how people held up masks, played charades, fought in a game that only they were playing. At that moment, it was decided that a grand gesture was needed – something to force Earth back on its' axis. Things needed to be cared for, and others made to feel like they mattered. I aspired to make reality feel like a fairy tale. My heart only knows how we grew up believing in things made of wisps of words and imagination; a princess, dragons, a knight, and mermaids splashed deep beneath the sea. The real demons were the ones under our beds, not the ones in our heads nor lurking the streets. Are we all drugged? We have all cheated, lied, or stolen; committed a crime that is better if forgotten. In the end, are we our enemy? I know the only battle I am fighting is with myself. Still, I yearn for when I used to believe in a world filled with fair-folk and folklore; a world where saying hello to strangers on the street was okay. I did not know that by today, I would be shattered like glass sprawled in pieces across the floor. I know now that the world only makes sense when examined in parts. I am searching for something blind. What I know is that I want to live, to be alive, and to no longer survive - to be free in a world that follows strict sunrise and sunset. I need to feel the grass beneath my feet and the wind blowing in my hair like a summer breeze. I wish to return to the world of make-belief. I mourn for whispered words, lullabies, and fables. The sunshine is shrouded, and the acid rain falls; darkness has bled into my veins. Now flowers bloom with poison, and the butterflies have flown away. My dress is red, my steps stilted, and only the scent of decay persists. The land I once knew no longer exists, and I refuse this new one that has swallowed me whole. Instead, I squeeze my eyes shut until the horrors of today leak from my head. Please, I dream of sanity. To be insane in a mad world, now that isn't of myths and fairy-tales.

Do you know what it's like to hear the word CANCER? This is my second round of hearing that word., Once was 25 years ago, and again last year. I heard stage 4 this time and when asking the doctor what it meant she turned her back on me. When she did that I knew it was time for a second opinion, and that's what I did.(To tell you what this Doctor did, there isn't enough space). Didn't have stage 4, but what I was told was just as bad. New doctors that explained exactly what was going on, and what the plan was that would save my life. Chemo started-phase one went well, phase two not so good. Chemo stopped new plan put into place and its working. 'There have been days when I sat and cried, trying to figure out WHY? Days that I cried how can I afford this, how can I pay for my medicine(over $3000) just to stay alive until surgery could be performed. Many days of screaming and yelling at my poor hubby telling him "stop changing things, I'm not dead ", stop treating me like I'm not in the same room. Pure hell as I look back now. The worst part was when I started loosing my hair-what a shock (actually thought it was the dogs shedding)-nope it was me. It was devastating and as I look back it was the worst thing I have ever been through. I had a support team that was unbelievable in getting me through that stage. My best friend had her hair shaved down to her scalp so that I wouldn't be embarrassed. Her doing that made me cry and made me realize that she was there for the duration. (There were others that spread vicious lies about me and my condition). Why would someone who claimed they were friends do something like that? . At this point in my treatment I couldn't go outside without a hat whereas I didn't want anyone to see me like this. After each treatment I would get sick and then three days later would be fine until the next round. For my own piece of mind I would go to our campsite for rest and relaxation, cry, and try to keep a stiff upper lip. My support team was there the whole time. They made me laugh, and helped keep my spirits up. If they didn't see me outside, they knocked on the door to be sure I was okay, had me over for dinners and went out for ice cream afterwards, along with lots of fires at night. These were the people that kept me going along with my hubby.(My hubby also got sick during this time with his sugar levels way out of balance, so along with my treatment, he had his own.Thankfully his is under control now). When you hear the words "Cancer" your whole life changes, You have to adjust to all the doctor appointments, the chemo treatments, along with staying positive. You sit and realize that changes have to be made. Stress is not an option for you at all. You don't need it in your life. I had to make a lot of changes, as there was a lot of stress in my life at that time. Hubby and I sat down and discussed all of our options, what would we do, how could we do it, and who should know what was going on. The hardest part of this was telling my daughter. From there we set up our support team and things started to go easier. The support team consisted of some close friends who are still on the team, and I couldn't ask for a better group. The next thing we did was get rid of the problems that was causing the stress. We moved our camper to a new place, got rid of the people in our lives that were causing the stress. That was the best part of all of this. You could say that we "threw out the trash". What a relief it was to have the stress gone. We have surrounded ourselves with kind and loving people, people who care and help if it is needed. What I am saying is this: when you hear that word "Cancer" , stop and think for a minute. Get your priorities in place. Sit down make a plan. Stick to that plan. Make sure that you have the right Doctors around you that will work with you, tell you what is wrong and what they plan to do, along with what you want done.. This way you wont have to go through what we did. Surround yourself with a team of people that will help when needed, give you support when you have a bad day, and believe me you will have them. Remember to have a sense of humor (you're going to need it). Laugh as much as you can, do what you want to, get a hobby or keep on doing the one that you have to keep your mind off of what is going on. My crafting helped me during this time., Take a nap if you need one, they are a good way to take a break,. Above all FIGHT like you have never fought before, you will be in the biggest fight of your life. I'm still fighting and looking forward to a better life, spending time with family and friends, Doing the things that I have always wanted to do: travel, crafting, taking photo's, yard sales and many other things, Remember stay happy, smile, laugh, love, and be surrounded by people that love and care for you.