August was always one of my least favorite months. It was hot, sticky, and there were bugs everywhere. I wasn't an outdoorsy person, or very social. I would spend my summer days in the house, with the air conditioning and a book in my hand. I would spend my summer nights the same way, although I would trade the book for a movie, or some music. I had 5 siblings, all younger, though there were times they made me want to rip my hair out. I can't help but adore the feeling of having people to protect, I love having people who need me. Earlier in the year, I had found out my mother was pregnant with another baby for me to protect. I spent time thinking about all the ways I would love this baby, thinking about who it would grow up to be. I watched as people bought clothes, as we prepped what having a baby would be like in the middle of the pandemic, and how naming it somehow became the hardest task. In the middle of the night, on August 9th, the baby finally came. I was woken up by my grandmother the next morning, she woke me up with such excitement in her voice, and tons of pictures of the little newborn. My mother and step father had decided to name her Kenza, which is funny because up until that night, it wasn't even top 3. I hadn't seen my mom all day, and my impression of the baby came in poorly taken pictures and the occasional video. Due to the covid restrictions, I was unable to visit her. I had never felt such impatience in my life, I was like a child watching their mother unwrap a lollipop, I was like a road trip passenger, waiting for a rest stop. My heart was beating, I was stressed and all that kept me going were those poorly taken pictures. My stepdad was in and out of the house, giving us status reports and trying to keep our mind off it, but his efforts did not work, my mother was in the hospital for about 3 days before coming home, for 16 year old me, that was a lifetime of torture. I wanted to hold my baby sister, and kiss her, and show her off on social media. I wanted to sing her lullabies at night and to be the first one to make her laugh. When she finally arrived, the house was decorated for her arrival. Thanks to mine and my grandmother's efforts, there were signs on the doors and homemade pictures hanging on the walls. We had given the house a welcoming touch, which was something it rarely had. I was one of the first people to hold her, and I felt an immediate connection. It hit me on that day that August 9th would always be important. Along with November 11th, April 28, March 3rd, October 8th and November 14th, August 9th would go on the list of days the number changed. It became one of the days I would cherish and celebrate, because it gave me one more person to love and protect. It gave me a new piece of my heart and it became unforgettable. With that day approaching, and the time coming to celebrate the aging of my last sibling, it's hard not to get teary eyed or emotional, this is the last of them, the last time I will be able to say “my baby sister's one” or “ wow she isnt a baby anymore,” those have been replaced with “you're almost as tall as me!” and “look at how much you've grown” I used to hate August, I hated the heart, and the stickiness and all the bugs. But it's become one of my favorite months, one of my most beloved times of the year, and all becaused it changed a simple number.
My little sister was given up for adoption when she was born in 1992. She is my mother's eighth and last child. To think I have been trying all that I can for the past 15 years or so to find an unknown person is sometimes so crazy to me. She could totally hate me, but I am going for it. Through the whole process, I just wanted to know that she was okay. I wanted to know that she had a good life and a good family. I always focused my search on finding her parents, because it was never my place to tell her she was adopted. I never wanted to hurt anyone. For many years, I felt like a failure. All this technology at my fingertips, and I still couldn't find her. I even applied to be on a TV show. I was in contact with the show for a little while but ultimately, they couldn't find her. “Where did I go wrong?” I thought. It wasn't until 2017 that I realized all that I had learned from trying to find her. Starting this journey opened a whole new world for me. My love of genealogy. I am sure it was always there, but it was flourished because of her. I have used all this knowledge to help so many people over the years. Some with great success and some with no solution at all. I decided to start my little side quest and Genealogy Girl was born! Since then, I have been able to help even more with their genealogy, finding family members, hunting graves, and returning photos/documents from estate sales/vintage stores to the original families/blood lines. It has been an amazing experience so far! For me, she is more than my blood sister. She became my inspiration for the amazing things that I do now to help others. I decided to buy a DNA kit from Ancestry.com. It took about eight weeks to get the results in which felt like forever. When I finally got the email that my results were in, I shrieked in excitement! I had about 3,000 matches. I just knew that one of those had to be my sister. I was so disappointed when there were no sibling matches. I was devastated. I just knew that I would never find her. I didn't even go through my matches for weeks. When I finally did, I found so many new connections. I was able to build my family tree so much more. I had contemplated buying more DNA kit from other sites, but it just didn't feel right. I slowed down on looking for her. I felt like that was a sign for me to take a break because it would happen when it happened. My half-brother decided to research his DNA and medical traits using a DNA kit from 23andMe.com in 2019. He and I have the same mother so I figured his DNA would pick up on any sibling matches. Unfortunately, there were matches for siblings. Since he and I are not full blood siblings, I explained that sometimes sibling matches can come up as a first cousin. It comes down to how the DNA matches according to the centimorgans in the DNA. Honestly, it is super scientific and I'm more artsy. So basically, I needed him to keep an eye out for sibling and first cousin. Fast forward to January 1, 2022, I still had not found my sister. I had the day off from work for the holiday, so I was being lazy lounging in bed. It was about 6:15p.m. when I got a message from my cousin on my mother's side about a DNA match from her account on 23andMe.com. She messaged me that someone was trying to find their birth mother and she figured that I could help. When I read the words “She was born in 1992 in Florida.” I lost my breath for a moment. I immediately began to cry. I couldn't find my breath or my voice. I texted my husband who was in the other room and he came into the bedroom and said, “Are you serious?” We were both in shock. Fifteen years or so of researching, joining groups on social media, registered with multiple adoption reunion groups, interviewed for a TV show, DNA testing and I still couldn't find her. She found me. Our first texts to each other were very guarded. I didn't know what she knew or didn't know, and I wasn't sure how much of my information was 100% accurate. Within a few hours, we were sharing pictures and a list of our favorites. We met at an airport in Pensacola, FL where she picked me and my daughter up for a trip to the beach. Meeting her and her family has been so rewarding. I cannot believe how similar we are in the most unusual ways. About six months later, we are so close. We talk multiple times a week and cannot wait to share things with each other. We are not afraid to have the hard conversations, but we are always transparent. Over the years I have read so many articles and blogs about the emotional toll that finding an adopted sibling can take on a person's mental health. There are so many things that can happen or go wrong. I was prepared for anything. I was prepared to hear the words, “I don't want anything to do with you." I was also prepared to cry if I heard those answers. It has been an emotional roller coaster for sure, but I have been waiting to get on this ride for a long time.
I wanted to write something about how I met my sister, here it is. My sister and I, never knew each other in person. Face to face. An online game brought us together. We met through an online game and became amazing friends. After about a year, I got discord. I told her and we gave each other our usernames and tags and friended each other on there. We started texting on there and soon enough, we began to call. We showed our faces to each other. And all that other sh^^. But while we went on this, things did go hard us. I developed big big anxiety and depression, but was also suicidal. My sister goes through countless amounts of abuse. Verbal, and sometimes physical. I wish I could get a flight and fly to Italy and bring her back here but. I'm only a Minor. And, I'm not sure if I am able to. I live in the United States. Were 5,000 kilometors away from each other. That's almost half the world. I began to cut myself and plan my death. I told her all about it. She told me "no, I can't loose you, your family can't loose you." And so, I gave up on dying. She began to do the same thing she had told me not to do. So I told her the same thing. Noah is the oldest sibling in her house while I am the youngest. I have 1 older brother and thats it. Until I met her. I now have 1 older brother, 1 younger brother, and 2 little sisters. (She's 11, I'm 15) I promised her that, if she ever sacrificed herself. I would either live on and carry on her story and the sacrifice she made. Or, I would give up to be with her again. We made the promise to eventually have her come to live with me and my girlfriend (future wife) and she said she's bringing her girlfriend as well. Of course I want her to be happy but I said, "She can come, but you 2 are sharing a room." My final choice. I love my sister dearly, I wish for her to come now and be a part of my life. Once she turns 18, my birthday present to her are plane tickets to Florida. One for her, and one for her girlfriend. When I know that they are flying in, I will pick them up, bring them home. Let them get settled in. And get them used to the city. My girlfriend and I have agreed to this together and agreed with negotiations, and rules. We gonna need a big house.
When I came home from my graduate program for spring break, I knew I would be out of Syracuse for more than two weeks. The pandemic was ticking up on my timeline, the Ivy Leagues were moving full semesters online, and my school would likely follow. My younger sisters, both in college, were likewise sent home. I thought my older sister would stay away. Serving in the Peace Corps in Sierra Leone, it seemed unlikely she would be pulled. However, she was soon taken out of West Africa, routed through Europe and the American Midwest, and brought back to New York State and to us. 2020 was the year of four twentysomething sisters, diverted, living once again under the same roof. My older sister and I have had a tense and complicated relationship for most of our lives, and I was unexcited at the prospect of bunking together in the attic. I blame her for many of my faults, unfair as that may be. My defensiveness, my intense fear of being vulnerable, my possessiveness: these I trace to her. There are a few stories I tell about her when first explaining our relationship. One is her pushing me into the deep end of a pool before I knew how to swim. The second is her taking my (very thick) middle school cell phone and chucking it at the mini Zen Garden I had bought at Dollar Tree, chipping a sizable chuck from the corner (“she ruined my Zen,” I tell people). There's the time I performed in my first school musical, and she told me: “you weren't as bad as I thought you'd be” (her version of a compliment). None of these are very bad and, truthfully, she wasn't a Very Bad sister. Yet these instances characterize my relationship with her. She was violent, invaded my space and property, and any time I was proud of something she insulted it. I kneeled; she stood on me. Even now, sometimes, I'll tell her something she did, something that hurt me way back when. “Oh that was a good one,” she'll say. She cut my favorite necklace in half and threw it in the garden. She slammed my head against the wall for eating her Goldfish. “I should write these down,” she smiles. She sprit in my hair, screamed at me when she lost her phone, hit me in front of my friends. - Everything we see in each other is colored by expectation and the need to build a differentiated identity for ourselves. We project freely and our defensiveness is reflexive. We are fonts of unsolicited advice and unwelcome criticism. There's a judgement there: we assume we know each other best (or truest) even though each one of us withholds so much. Our presumption of knowledge is not so much about events but character. As though the two are not related. We believe we know each other best and believe that none of the others really knows us. But there are these moments we decide to suspend all reality and laugh at some novel bit or deprecating observation, times when we decide not to be self-conscious and let ourselves take the jab-- we enjoy it. There are times when the joke is good, or when we willingly do favors for one another, or when we all cohort as siblings for parental leverage. There are times when the low snickering and secrecy feel nostalgic of a happy childhood. - Tonight, Julia was giggle-screaming at Rachel about a centipede which had fallen from the ceiling of her room. She couldn't find the monster and absolutely COULD NOT sleep knowing it was waiting somewhere to crawl into her mouth while she slept. She came downstairs to beg for help, asking myself and Ashley to PLEASE come up to her room, find the centipede, and catch it. I lay horizontally across Julia's bed, the flashlight of my phone pointed at the corner of floor where the centipede had apparently landed. Hanging my head over the edge of the bed to look beneath, I found: three hair ties, a barrette, a Christmas chocolate, dust, a plastic toy (this to Ashley for her enjoyment), and a Spanish-language flyer which, when moved, revealed a centipede. Ashley goading me to touch the centipede felt like I was soon to be the butt of a joke, so I made her do it instead. She assumed the post with me holding the flashlight above her. Julia had provided an empty Tylenol bottle for capture. It was an awkward angle, and Ashley was having trouble. Julia tossed me a magazine to squish the bug, but she missed horribly, and the rogue copy of The Atlantic landed near Ashley's head in the corner, scaring the centipede. This led to Ashley attempting to resign the task and blaming Julia, Julia admitting fault but BEGGING us to stay, and the centipede once again being found on the floor, opposite the side of the bed where it had started. Ashley acquiesced attempted to nudge and scoop the centipede into the bottle. The window was open and waiting for the poor creature's defenestration. It wasn't working well. “Kill it,” I said again. “Just do it.” As the centipede ran, Ashley took the magazine, dropped it on top of the bug, and gave one large, socked step. “You can deal with this,” she said to Julia.
“Ana.” I wait for her fun-loving smile to appear. It doesn't. “Ana…” I try again, softer. Still nothing. Cautiously, I venture, “Hey… what's going on? ... Ana…?” She shifts. I can see that she's clearly not okay. My heart, just in these last ten seconds, has taken on the same weight as hers is bearing. I don't even know what it is. I know she won't talk, but she's not going to do this alone. “Come here,” I whisper gently. Ah, that works. She lets me hold her tight; long and tight. She clings to me. We'll be here awhile. I love her. I'd hold her for as long as she needed it. “Eye-luvoo so mush.” My voice is muffled in her shoulder, but she knows exactly what I'm saying. “Eye-luvoo too,” she manages. I squeeze tighter. After a good, long time, we let go. I take both of her hands and look into my best friend's eyes with so much love. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life... I cast my eyes back down, giving her respect. Still so there, yet honoring her inclination to process in privacy. Privacy coated in the comforting, present support of your best friend. The security of them utterly not knowing, yet profoundly knowing nonetheless, and feeling it right beside you. Never alone. We sit together, quietly bearing the weight of the world hand in hand. Inside ourselves, processing, yet hearts beating inside each other's. Stronger this way. Ana and I. The most roaring wordless message a friend can ever give: I'm here. A flash of eye contact checks in every now and then. Tender empathy. Sisterhood, unbreakable and ever-present. Before long, I pull her back in for another hug. We just go back and forth, hugs and hands, until the funk passes and love settles in its place. I pray silently, and occasionally my plea to God becomes audible. I never know what I'm addressing, but I just give her all the love I know how to give, and I feel the weight of her heart beside her. She is not alone. I will make sure of this. I'm still hugging her, all the while aware that I will never know exactly what's going on, what she's thinking, what set off these emotions, or even quite what they are. We'll never talk about this, and we don't have to. She is hugging back so hard that I know this is all she needs right now. Just love. I don't know all that Ana goes through. But I do know how to hold her tight and love her with all my heart. At the end of the day, that's all she needed from me — to be loved. Accepted. Held. Cherished. Safe. So I make my embrace a safe place for her. A place where she knows she can let it all out. She deserves it. She's my best friend. “I love you so much, girly,” I say, my words clear this time as I pull away and take a good look at her as only a best friend can. I beam. Her sunshine has come back. “I love you too,” Ana replies.
“I don't want to think about it." “I know. But we're going to wish we'd talked about it before it happens,” I remind her. “It was so hard to tell you that I'm moving to Ohio,” she admits. Moving to Ohio… It echoes in my mind: Moving to Ohio… moving to Ohio… moving to Ohio... Wait. MOVING to Ohio?! Not just going back — Moving. Permanently. It hits me. My sister is moving away for good. We cry. For hours we force ourselves awake just so we can soak up these last few moments together before it happens -- before reality comes and whisks her away. We stay as close together as we can. Sometimes we're talking, running through memories both good and bad, confiding our fears of this new reality, looking back on the sisterhood we never want to lose. We've built something strong, Ana and I. We've built the most unique, sure friendship I have ever known. Sometimes, we just sit in silence. My sob breaks in, and Ana's hand is never far. She comforts me. Sobs shake my body and break my heart. It can't be real. Ana pulls my tear-streaked face closer to hers. Her left hand grips mine, and her free hand begins to stroke my hair. Like she always has, Ana comforts me. I know she would do anything to make me feel safe. The best part? All she has to do is be there and be herself for that to happen. There's an unmatched power in my sister's tender, intense love toward me. Something delicate and gentle lands on my face. It's Ana's kiss. I am still; I let her do it. I would never let anyone else. But I know I'm safe with Ana. And then we just sit together, breathing in every sweet breath of the last night together we'll be graced with for a long time. We're in awe of how precious we always will be to each other. We soak in every bit of this time, lingering in sweet sisterhood, hoping it doesn't vanish as a dream does when we wake up tomorrow morning. We silently acknowledge the special place we will always hold in one another's hearts, simply hushed, almost unable to believe we got to be sisters in the first place. We love each other. We wish the sun would take its time in rising, but we also know that dawn ushers in Ohio, and Ohio bubbles with the promise of a great, fresh start for Ana. We still just don't want tonight to end. We don't know how we'll deal with the weirdness of tomorrow apart, and all the tomorrows that will follow. But tears are tiring us out. We finally plug in to music and lay down to try to get some sleep… next to each other, of course, eyes fixed on one another's, and we hold hands. We never want to let go, but we know we'll have to, come morning. We're not missing a beat till then. But it is late, so I fool myself, suggesting, “Let's go to sleep.” "Okay," my sister plays along. My eyelids fall together and immediately brim with tears. I stifle them for a second, but soon they give way. Ana's still there. Her gentle hand reaches up, and without a word, she wipes the big tears away from my eyes. I look into hers. She's so beautiful.
“Ana.” I wait for her fun-loving smile to appear. It doesn't. “Ana…” I try again, softer. Still nothing. Cautiously, I venture, “Hey… what's going on? ... Ana…?” She shifts. I can see that she's clearly not okay. My heart, just in these last ten seconds, has taken on the same weight as hers is bearing. I don't even know what it is. I know she won't talk, but she's not going to do this alone. “Come here,” I whisper gently. Ah, that works. She lets me hold her tight; long and tight. She clings to me. We'll be here awhile. I love her. I'd hold her for as long as she needed it. “Eye-luvoo so mush.” My voice is muffled in her shoulder, but she knows exactly what I'm saying. “Eye-luvoo too,” she manages. I squeeze tighter. After a good, long time, we let go. I take both of her hands and look into my best friend's eyes with so much love. More than I've ever loved anyone in my life... I cast my eyes back down, giving her respect. Still so there, yet honoring her inclination to process in privacy. Privacy coated in the comforting, present support of your best friend. The security of them utterly not knowing, yet profoundly knowing nonetheless, and feeling it right beside you. Never alone. We sit together, quietly bearing the weight of the world hand in hand. Inside ourselves, processing, yet hearts beating inside each other's. Stronger this way. Ana and I. The most roaring wordless message a friend can ever give: I'm here. A flash of eye contact checks in every now and then. Tender empathy. Sisterhood, unbreakable and ever-present. Before long, I pull her back in for another hug. We just go back and forth, hugs and hands, until the funk passes and love settles in its place. I pray silently, and occasionally my plea to God becomes audible. I never know what I'm addressing, but I just give her all the love I know how to give, and I feel the weight of her heart beside her. She is not alone. I will make sure of this. I'm still hugging her, all the while aware that I will never know exactly what's going on, what she's thinking, what set off these emotions, or even quite what they are. We'll never talk about this, and we don't have to. She is hugging back so hard that I know this is all she needs right now. Just love. I don't know all that Ana goes through. But I do know how to hold her tight and love her with all my heart. At the end of the day, that's all she needed from me — to be loved. Accepted. Held. Cherished. Safe. So I make my embrace a safe place for her. A place where she knows she can let it all out. She deserves it. She's my best friend. “I love you so much, girly,” I say, my words clear this time as I pull away and take a good look at her as only a best friend can. I beam. Her sunshine has come back. “I love you too,” Ana replies.
“[...] he has grown a lot now. Although time can't heal everything, try not to let the same pain kill you over and over again” They said Kids don't understand it, but he understood everything they thought he didn't. They said Kids should not have heard this, but it was too late, he heard it all. They said Kids need more education at school, but he was educated enough just by these life experiences. They said Kids don't understand life, but this was not the kind of kid he was. He learned too much from it already. They said Kids don't know the pain, but his life was already full of painful experiences and memories. It was like almost 10 years ago that his life was stuck, yet he can still remember every moment clearly. Those fights, loud, noises, messes, blame, tears, and nightmares, I wish he hadn't known this, but he knew them all. At the corner of that house, he was sitting crying all night. No one heard it. There, you see the way lead to his room, he remembers running there, closing the door, turning on the music loudly and try ing to ignore what was happening outside. On the left side of the house near to the stairs, he saw everything with his own eyes. He was so shocked, trembling, and shaking. Those pictures were always in his mind and they kept him awake all night. He was hiding in his bedroom hugging his little sister every time it happened. He always told her “It's going to be fine, my dear, stop crying'' while he, himself, could not even shed a single drop of his own tears. Would someone find him if they lost him? It seemed like no one cared. Would they cry if he disappeared from this cruel world? He is a son of his family; a brother of his little sister- he could not get hide from the world even a day, how was he going to disappear? The beautiful moonlight was no longer beautiful to him. That colorful sunset could no longer make him happy as it used to be. The sunshine that gave him energy and strength to start his day couldn't even light a single space of his room. The world was just a mess! Every time he looked out through the window, he saw only those black clouds. Maybe he was a happy boy, so people thought he was fine, but he was absolutely not. There is no happy ending. I know he was too young to see, to know, to understand, and to listen to this, but IT WAS TOO LATE, he now experienced it all. “I talked to a kid who was a lot younger than me, and I can't help but write a small part of his suffer life experiences here. If you are wondering, let me tell you- he has grown a lot now. Although time can't heal everthing, try not to let the same pain kill you over and over again.”
I am the big sister I am more commonly known As the one who always wins Or the one who knows it all I am the big sister The eldest of them all I set the example They follow in my footsteps So I am always careful For I am the big sister So I make sure this path I carve And this example I set Are the best ones yet Because I am the one They will never forget I am the big sister Of one little girl With blue eyes And blonde hair And a heart of gold I am the big sister Of one little girl With skin like iron And blood like fire I am the big sister Of one little girl I remember the day she was born It seems like just yesterday With her eyes of wonder Big and blue and bright I am the big sister Of one little boy With eyes like honey And brown curly hair And hands that can only heal I am the big sister Of one little boy I remember the day he was born It seems like only yesterday With eyes of kindness Calm and sweet like honey I am the big sister Of one little boy With the heart of a lion And a strong embrace And a constant smile across his face I am the big sister Of one little boy And one little girl And they are the ones Who no one Could ever forget
Once upon a time, you couldn't hurt a princess. In the beginning I pretended I didn't, but To the man who sneaks in and calls me his princess, I know it's you. I recognize your hands, your breath, your arms, and your noises. But you must know that I do. Your hands―the ones around my throat that tie those knots around my wrists at night― The same that I watch pack my lunch in the morning. Your breath―the first thing I hear when you hover near my ear, biting my neck at night― The same that pants after a flight of stairs and smells of garlic. Your arms―the heavy weights on my legs at night― The same that Sis and I clung onto as a little girls. And your noises―the groans and moans and spine-tingling whispers I hear at night― The same that come from Mommy's bedroom on the weekends. I know who you are, Yet I'm a good Daddy's princess and try not to squeal; I sit politely at family meals, like a real princess would. I never complain about the stains on my sheets or gowns, Or ask questions about our nightly interactions. I'm a good little secret-keeper; I never say a word. I'm a great actress too. As you know, I can play pretend. But pretending to forget is easier than pretending to not feel pain. Pain is the body's message to the mind that something is wrong. So it's hard to pretend that I can't feel you stuff yourself inside me. It takes years of skill. But I've been practicing since the beginning. I pretend at school, too. We talk about boys and imagine they've just invited us to the ball, like we're real princesses just waiting for a prince to sweep us off our feet. And with Coach Harry, too, at tennis practice: I always ask him for Band-Aids for the burns on my knees, Claiming I took another fall. I pretend with Dr. Henry, too. I pretend it's opposite day whenever I see him and his notebook of scribbles: I tell him I'm happy, I'm eating well; the family is great, that nobody's touched me, that Daddy is kind, and that I have no fears. Dr. Henry is pretty bad at playing opposite day, so I keep the score to myself. We eat dinner as a family, and Mommy goes to bed early since she has to wake up at 5 in the morning. And then Sis goes to her room and gets ready for bed. I do too, but I don't fall asleep straight away, I lie awake and wait for you to come. I know you're coming soon, And so does the man in the moon that looks through my window. I keep one eye attending to the door, Hoping that maybe, just maybe you don't need me anymore. But my hope dissipates into brittle pieces Like flaming acrylic disintegrating into ash. The instant my auditory cortex notices the door creek; It launches the threat straight to my amygdala. My sympathetic nervous system ignites, sending a surge of fiery-hot energy to my extremities. My breath gets heavy and goose bumps blanket my body. My heart starts racing and my legs twitch as fast as the twinkling stars in the sky. I know what's coming next, so my body tells me to scream. But I fight the instinct because I don't want Daddy to get mean. I watch you inch past the doorway with the roll of adhesive dangling like a bracelet on your wrist. We've done this too many times; you know me too well and expect that I'll yell; You can't risk me waking Big Sis. I hear the tape tear slowly, like my innocence you incrementally unthread from my body. I watch your hands guide it to my mouth. I suck in my lips so when you rip it off it won't hurt as bad. I close my eyes and start to pretend That you hadn't just created a story where the princess can't live happily ever after in the end. _ Please forgive me, little Sis. I really thought he just did it to me Or that Mommy was right; it was just a bad dream, even the screams. But one night he never came in, and I got up to see him skulk into your room. I saw his hands around your neck, your mouth clapped shut with the tape he used to use when I was bad, and your body thrashing into the sheets. That night I knew it wasn't just me and my dreams. And I wasn't his only favorite little girl. You were too. It suddenly all made sense… …the bug bites on your neck…. …the rug burns… .…your wobbly walk…. …your peeling lips… …the thick slices around your wrists… Your body looked like mine from when I used to resist. Those nights he didn't come in I told myself he was over it; that the nightmares were over; he'd had enough. But he hadn't. And I should have listened to Mommy when she said “dreams are too good to be true.” Because I could have saved you. I knew it was Daddy when I felt his studded wedding ring go inside me And when he made a mess and shuffled anxiously to my closet for that stained, crinkled dress. I just didn't know he went to your room next. I'm so sorry that I was too afraid to confess. You don't have to pretend anymore. You don't have to hide anymore. You're safe. We will write our own fairy tale ending― one where the bad guy doesn't win.