There are 1,022,000 words in the English language, and not a single word describes how much my friends mean to me. Each has made a positive impact on my life. Whether they are someone I can relate to or someone I can be myself around with, being around my friends will always keep a smile on my face. There are some things that a human needs that you can't buy with industrial wealth. And one of those things is friends. True friends. When the pandemic started I was confused. Scared of the rumors and news on the internet. I was unprepared for the inevitable. In the first month of the pandemic, I was able to concentrate on myself. As the pandemic settled down and people started interacting with each other, I was finally able to meet my friends in person. Although we called through zoom meetings and phone calls, meeting each other in person just had a better feeling. With very minimal things to do during a pandemic, we kept ourselves busy. We would play games like skribbl.io or Minecraft. With everything wrong with the world back then, I would always have a shoulder to lean on. As virtual learning was almost over and summer just around the corner, there was finally something to look forward to. My friends and I started planning activities for us to do during this break. Sleepovers, pool parties, raiding the gas station's snacks once every week. Everything was looking good for us. As I returned home feeling refreshed from my walk, my parents seemed a bit anxious. As I sat down after washing my hands I was ready for dinner. We were almost halfway done with our dinner and not a single word was spoken. Finally, my sister decided to break the silence. “Dad, what happens to the janitors that work at buildings during the pandemic?” This caught my dad off guard. He told her that the janitors would have to find a temporary job until the pandemic is over. He explained that this is happening to thousands of people around the world and that we should be grateful for what we have. And all of the sudden my parent's attention turned towards me. I was skeptical about why I was getting interesting looks from my parents, but I decided to ignore it. At last, my parents told me what was going on. My dad told me that the company he was working for was barely holding on and that their stocks were going down vertically. And apparently, it wasn't just his company, it was the whole stock market. He told me that his company had another office in North Carolina. We could move there temporarily until his company starts doing better, but if we weren't able to move to North Carolina…. I knew what he was going to say. I sat on my chair with no appetite for dinner anymore. My dad's words had faded and I immediately thought of one thing. Leaving my friends. I wasn't ready and neither will I ever be. Leaving my friend would be the equivalent of losing a loved one. After dinner, I felt very pessimistic. I went straight to bed, hoping to take my mind off the topic. I woke up feeling a bit better. I didn't want to tell my friends everything because I was still processing information myself. Every single day I would look at the stock market to see if the issue had been resolved. I dreaded to see a green line, but I would always be disappointed to see the red one instead. There was this one exceptionally hard night. And what I did that night was unusual for me. I prayed. I didn't pray for just my family, or my future, but for all of the people who were going through what I was. The next day, as usual, I went online to see the stock market. And miraculously, I saw a green line. I could not have been happier. It felt like God heard my problems. Now, of course, a small green line didn't fix the overall issue. It would take a lot of time to resolve the whole problem. But I was happy to see some actual progress. As school ended and the 2-month break started, I became more thankful for the things around me. Knowing anything could change at any time, I tried to find the positives out of every situation. So for me, I tried to get the most out of my summer break. Hanging out with my family, having fun with my friends. Those moments I had were and are memories. But despite what fun activity I was doing a small thought always lingered at the back of my head “What if it happens again?” It's been 16 months and I have changed completely. That ‘thought' of mine is now gone. I have moved to another city with 2 of my other friends. Leaving my childhood and friends had kept me in a gloomy stage. I had considered them as brothers but happened to move 2 hours away from them. Ever since the pandemic, I felt like my journey should be heard. Though my experience may not be as struggling as other's, I would love to relate to somebody. When I came across biopage I knew it was perfect for me. With the community so friendly, I wasn't embarrassed to write. So I strapped down and started sharing my story. ”There are 1,022,000 words in the English language…”

As we know, this covid pandemic has shaken our entire life. It causes my salary cut & this virus has taken away my dad. I live with my mom who divorced from my dad since 18 years ago, but my relation with my dad was fine until mid of 2018 when a problem suddenly emerged that has crashed my relationship with him, after we've gone through a fierce argumentation back and forth via WhatsApp chat. Thereafter I didn't want to contact him anymore like used to be. I felt deeply hurt & very disappointed. I don't understand why he easily relinquished his responsibility as a father towards me as his only child. Actually since the divorce my mom and my close family already told their opinion about my dad's relinquishment towards me and I was the only one who never want to believe that. But his reaction performed towards me by mid 2018 has proven that my belief about him was wrong. He only concerned about himself rather than his responsibility to my crucial needs. I felt so hurt till every time I prayed I could only cry and hoped that my heartache could heal. January 11th, 2020, my mom suddenly informed me that my dad had a cancer, as what he told her. He was hospitalized in North Jakarta which is 48 KM from our home. Before the pandemic arisen, my mom & I could only visit him twice due to its very far distance. When we were about to end our second visit & I said goodbye to him, I couldn't take off my eyes from him like had a sort of hunch as I felt somewhat a whisper in my heart saying “this is your last meeting with him”. After the pandemic started we couldn't even visited him at all. Since end January to March 2020 my dad underwent chemotherapy and most of time he was hospitalized. April 4th 2020 at around 3;00 PM suddenly I got a bad news from my dad's close friend saying that he was critical. I was shocked & immediately checked with his younger sister who accompanied him at the hospital. She confirmed about his critical condition & was about to be moved to isolated ICU since his doctor just found out that somehow he got infected by covid virus. His lung X-rays shown white & his kidneys got suddenly failed. I felt so shocked, deeply confused, hard to believe that covid could attack him while he had been hospitalized. His covid status prevented me from seeing him. Fortunately I got a chance to talk to him despite shortly through my aunt's cellphone & expressed my feeling by saying : "I love you dad" while crying & also said : “actually I've already forgiven you”. He could still hear me & replied me : “I love you too” In the evening around 8;00 PM my aunt intensively communicated with me & my mother, updating about dad's declining condition. At 9;35 PM my aunt told us about his weakening breath. At 9;45 PM she told us that he has gone. I got hysterical, couldn't accept the fact that he died so fast, when my big problem with him had not been resolved yet. His death due to covid prevented me & all of our close family from seeing his body nor attending his cremation process. His ashes was kept in one ashes storage house in West Jakarta. I tried to accept the fact that my dad was no longer around. Remember his kindness, miss the times of confiding in him as he was the one to whom I could express my complaints about anything related to anybody & soothed my heart when I faced problems. But when I remember how he reacted that has crashed my relation with him, I felt again a deep disappointment. My feelings were messed up between longing, annoyance, disappointment, sadness, love, good memories. A week later I followed a big online mass of spirits and submitted his name to be prayed for. I also held a private online mass via zoom to commemorating 100 days of his death and asked our parish priest to lead the mass, joined by close family, friends and Catholic communities in our neighborhood to pray for his eternal peace and happiness. Those all I can do for him. 2 weeks thereafter my mom had an accident fell from a ladder around 1.2 m height, she fell straight on her buttocks and back. Luckily no bone cracks nor fractures happened, so she didn't need to be hospitalized. I took few days leave to take care of her to certain extent. However she needed 3 months to recover 90%, during which she couldn't drive nor accompany me to visit my dad's ashes while I'm not able to drive far distance myself. Only by November 2020 my mom was able to accompany me visiting his ashes. I cried a lot & “talked” to him, let all my feelings out towards him. I prayed for him. Felt rather released for finally I was able to visit him despite only in form of his ashes that was stored in a marble jar. I still need time to accept that he has truly gone moreover as a victim of Covid too. Until now I sometimes cry when remembering his kindnesses but I have to continue my life. He'll be always in my heart. May God forgive all his sins & grant him a heavenly happiness. I love my dad but I believe God loves him much more.

The lock down had barely been lifted when people scampered on the road making the most of the time because no one knew when the state will be shut again. We heard about the terrible virus and we had so much confidence that before it gets to our country, it would be burned up by the heat in this part of the world, little did we know. It had come, the government declared a 2 weeks lock down leaving the masses stranded, almost hopeless and begging to survive. Soon the ban was lifted, only to be followed by a routine of work hours and a curfew of 8 pm- 6 am daily followed suit. This routine made life miserable for me but we could not object to it cause it was for our good. It was Friday, few minutes to 04: 00 pm, I had informed my colleagues that I would leave 2 hours after closure since I still had a pile of work yet to be done, I usually stay later than others compiling daily- monthly reports, thus I was left alone with my boss. I had nearly finished when I heard a knock on the door, it was my boss who came to inform me that he was going, I did not want to be left alone, I quickly shut down my system and followed him out. It was already late and he was not heading my direction. I bade him farewell hoping to see him the next week, I wish I had known what laid in store for me. Hurrying down the street, heading for the junction, I had to use the footbridge in order to get a cab that will go my way. A 100 meters to the bridge, I sighted a causally dressed young lady, she seemed to be waiting for someone, more so a stranger who needed direction, but I thought to myself, any sensible stranger would not wait on a lonely path just to ask for directions, my instinct gave a warning beep, run! I heard my heart tell me. Approaching the bridge, she took out her phone as if to call someone, she called out: "sister, please excuse me" i did not wait to hear what other information she had for me, I obeyed my instinct and took to my heels. She came after me, slowly and slowly, I ran as fast as I could up the bridge's stairs, straight and down again, my heartbeat, as loud as a gong. Racing down the stairs on the opposite lane, I flagged down a cab and hopped in without asking questions, I screamed "drive! We zoomed off and I felt at peace. A few meters into our journey, I noticed funny movements in the car, the driver kept using the rear mirror to look at me, his hair was braided, he had tattoos and a piercing on his nose, "okay I can overlook that" I said to myself, a nursing mother was in the front seat with her child, the lady by my side had an unkempt skin, she seemed to be uncomfortable, scared and all of that and a huge fair man by her side, making a total of 4 persons. I still did not feel anything was wrong in this cab, not until the lady beside me took out a spray from her bag and spoke in low tones, she told the man she just wanted to know what the spray scented like. I sat by the door, all the windows were partly down, I am allergic to harsh smell, so I wound the glass down, the driver wound it up from his seat, I did not know why I didn't oppose to this strange act. In split of seconds, she sprayed what she had towards me, I gave her a questionable look as to asking why she did that? I covered my nose, but luck was not on my side this time, even with my nose mask on, I had inhaled a good dose of it, instead of choking, I felt dizzy, that was when it dawned on me, I've been kidnapped, I screamed out loud: "from fry pan to fire, oh no! Just then did the same lady who seemed uncomfortable and scared asked of my name; "my name is Blue" I stammered, tears pouring from my eyes into my nose mask, "wow, I'm red then" they burst out laughing. She snatched my bag and started ransacking it, she said: "this babe is poor babe oh! she no get anything, what do we do? She pulled out something from my bag and threw it back with so much speed, she blurted: "eeww, disgusting fellow", just then did I realize she had taken out my handkerchief that was drenched in mucus from catarrh which I suffered through out the week. At every point where it seemed like I would sleep off, she gave me a slap to concentrate. She took out my wallet and found 2 expired debit cards, an expired university identity card, a few passports and just the complete amount of money to take me home. She took out my umbrella, then my ballerina shoes and she exclaimed; "did something die in your shoes, why do they smell so awful", I still couldn't say a word, I was so terrified. They dropped me at a junction I never knew, and carted away with my umbrella( I loved that umbrella so much). Sucked up in fear, I found another cab, this time I assessed the driver to the point he said; "madam, are you going or not? I sat all cuddled up at the back seat, wishing I could teleport myself from the car to the arms of my mama. I got home terrified, dizzy and uncoordinated. My sister mailed my boss asking for a week leave, he gave two, in his words: "let her quarantine herself".