Covid-19 became such a catalyst in time for people and their lifestyles. It changed everyone for better and for worse. But there was definitely something we were able to benefit from, the ability to hear the silence and not have to worry about it being so quiet. Why it was so quiet or what we had to do to fix it, because it didn't need any fixing. I could walk into my room and exist in the silence, in such a pertinent time to the state of the world all I truly cared about was being able to feel peaceful. Being able to stare at the 4 walls around me and look to the ceiling and know there is nothing calling my name and no responsibilities I had but to just sit with myself. I didn't know what to do with myself, all this free time I had to myself being something I'd never imagined I'd ever have and don't think I will again. And not that that's bad, but I long to have that peace again. I never slept, but it worked in my favour, three years down the line I know what I want to do with my life. It never felt right staying stagnant in my room and my surroundings being the same. I would spend the late hours of the nights and early hours of the morning constantly moving and rearranging my room, the furniture would be turned sideways or shifted across the room for a new perspective. But the question still stands, what was I trying to achieve? Should my bed flush to the wall? Away from the wall? Would my dresser come off less demanding in the room if I placed it horizontally? I always found a way to change and analyse everything I changed and did. Then there was also the silence, of course there was never any actual silence, just the faint noises of my presence. The shuffling of my feet across the tile floor, the scraping of the furniture legs as it glided across the room. The television playing whatever movie I could think would make me feel serene. Some nights I'd come up with something to watch outrageously sad and end up just stopping what I was doing to sit on the floor and watch the saddest love stories, or other nights I'd be dancing along to Billy Elliot or even finding myself again and again in the characters on the screen. Every night was different, a different movie, a different layout and a different feeling. Usually spending the earlier hours of the morning filling the time doing something like editing a powerpoint between friends or clearing my closet or cutting my hair… again and again. In the impetuous days, it was funny how the nights became unhurried, steady and undemanding. Each day and night melting into one another, something that was such a cause for worry 3 years ago still feels so recent as yesterday. The busted little radio I spent days and nights trying to fix, the odd projects I would pick up thinking I had a hope of ever getting them to work again. Realising as the times passed all this fixing and rearranging was just a distraction from what I was really meant to be doing. This was the perfect time, the only time I may have had to do this, find myself. I tried everything, painting, cooking, baking, pottery, writing, everything you could dream of. But I was blind, I was always looking for some thing that would make me me, but that was the problem wasn't it? I tried to materialise my character, who I was trying to understand. Trying new things over and over again. But it all took me back to the quiet. That was who I was. That is who I am. I'm not a painter, or a cook, I'm the peace from dusk til dawn, or atleast that's what I feel when I am me. Sitting in my room, moving and changing, that's me. Unbothered, Uninterrupted, Unchanged but doing all those is what made me me. I was how I lived when at peace. How I functioned is this high anxiety time. Sitting and consuming the silence with movies of all genres and fixing everything around me. It was finding where I fit into my own life. And I have, going on to do what made me stop in my tracks from always trying to fix everything. I know I want to evoke the emotions in others that the movies did the me, I want to make people think, feel and cry. And I want them to fall in love and understand themselves just like I slowly but surely did.

Who am I. What right do I have to feel this way. Millions have died, some struggling to live, while others going through the most ineffable sufferings. Precious and dear lives have been snatched away by a very well-known adversary, death. Yet still, here I am, with the mere audacity to feel what I consider as - sadness? Here I am, with the absurdity of my emotions and the insanity of my thoughts. I have been in this deep, dark pit too before: shutting out any form of light and reveling in my own emptiness. It was that way until someone was brave enough to venture into the pit and save me. Well, it's different now. Social interactions are now perilous in such a way that it must be avoided at all times. Our natural desire for consolation and comfort in tough times was shifted to simply video calling and messaging. As convenient as it may seem, months with almost zero human contact turned out exasperating and troublesome. I, for one, deeply sunk into my own personal bubble where it seemed like there was no one else but me – no one to save me this time. All these humanitarian disasters, social crises, and global conflicts are unraveling in front of my very eyes. In all honesty, my so-called “problems” are trivial and insignificant in comparison to the chaos of this world. Stressing over the lack of food while others long for at least a biscuit to munch on. Complaining about my pathetic life when others are mourning over the loss of their loved one and fighting for their lives. Although I hate to admit, it is extremely tempting to just overlook all these and focus on my situation – to cancel out the noise in my surroundings. Indeed, these inherent instincts of mine start to kick in. Several news on social media do not seem to bother me as much as I believe it should. It became a personal struggle for me to remain alert on all the contemporary issues while handling my very own issues. After all this, I have come to a realization. I am not to let my pride and selfishness get in the way and cloud my judgement. I should not neglect the important things in these world just because of my needs. However, on the other side of the spectrum, any emotion or feeling that we may experience must not be disregarded and just pushed to the side. We are human beings with natural tendencies to feel sadness, anger, and confusion. Our very existence validates it. Although setting these aside may appear like the simplest and most apparent thing to do, we are unknowingly causing ourselves more harm than good. The first step we must take is to fully accept all these negative things as part of ourselves. Personally, I was caught up distracting myself from all the sadness until it consumed me, bit by bit. I forced myself to become happy, believing that being sad was not and should not be an option for me. I detested the feeling of extreme loneliness and somehow wished I'd never felt that way, which eventually led to hatred towards myself. “I don't deserve to be sad because of some stupid and petty reasons.” “I need to be happy, so others around me can be happy.” I tried, but no matter how much effort I put in, it would never truly work. Sadness, depression, anxiety, among many others, does not just simply disappear. Acknowledging my emotions played a huge role in this battle, realizing that it is okay to not be okay. Small steps toward the goal may not be a lot, but together they contribute to being completely “okay”. Even if it is as simple as taking care of yourself or doing something you love, do it. If it's listening to music or reading that book you've always wanted to read, do it. It is all about how we deal with what we feel that matters. When I chose to put it aside, it was still there and I never overcame it. Recognize it, face it, and let go of it – that makes all the difference. My worth is not defined by what I feel, I know that now. The reality is this – we are all human beings with our own varying problems and circumstances. Some are at the very peak, enjoying the best times of their life, while others their lowest and darkest times. Everyone has their own timelines; we must never compare our failures to others' successes. Who am I? Well, I am me – a daughter of the King of Kings and that is enough. What right do I have to feel this way? I have every right. My emotions are valid, and yours are too.

காண்பதெல்லாம் மறையுமென்றால் மறைந்ததெல்லாம் காண்பமன்றோ நானும் ஓர் கனவோ! November 30 1993 - CSI Mission Hospital Marthandam - Tamil Nadu, India A baby boy was born to Mr. Sivagnanam and Mrs. Maria Mahathalen - Climbing trees - Eating sand - Collecting shells - Playing hide and seek - Like these childhood days were went around the seashore area. As a transfer of work to his mother, he moved to Chennai, India. His schooling were completed there only. During the school days itself he had a dream on to become a Writer(He doesn't know how the passion towards writing started). In SSLC Exam his letter on My Ambition topic in English paper was To Become a Writer. Every time as he reads book or watches movie, at the last he imagine that one day his name will come after STORY by........ As schooling completes he don't know how to/whether to go to writing industry or not. As the words from his family he joined Engineering. During the time he wrote short stories - poetry - short movies. As he made his first short movie - Wow it is an Awesome moment to feel. Simply delighted. He directed two short movies and acted in one short movie of his friend .Then as the studies goes on, he graduated as Engineer and started working in Construction field. But anyway his passion towards Writing not stopped. Whenever he had time he will think of stories and characters. That feel itself simply Awesome. But he continued as a Engineer. As the days pass on, he waited for a right moment to catch up again. He waited a long time - One fine day he saw a post from Biopage Storytelling Writing Contest. He thought it is a right moment, so he applied to Biopage. And that's - The baby born is - Me!

காண்பதெல்லாம் மறையுமென்றால் மறைந்ததெல்லாம் காண்பமன்றோ நானும் ஓர் கனவோ! November 30 1993 - CSI Mission Hospital Marthandam - Tamil Nadu, India A baby boy was born to Mr. Sivagnanam and Mrs. Maria Mahathalen - Climbing trees - Eating sand - Collecting shells - Playing hide and seek - Like these childhood days were went around the seashore area. As a transfer of work to his mother, he moved to Chennai, India. His schooling were completed there only. During the school days itself he had a dream on to become a Writer(He doesn't know how the passion towards writing started). In SSLC Exam his letter on My Ambition topic in English paper was To Become a Writer. Every time as he reads book or watches movie, at the last he imagine that one day his name will come after STORY by........ As schooling completes he don't know how to/whether to go to writing industry or not. As the words from his family he joined Engineering. During the time he wrote short stories - poetry - short movies. As he made his first short movie - Wow it is an Awesome moment to feel. Simply delighted. He directed two short movies and acted in one short movie of his friend .Then as the studies goes on, he graduated as Engineer and started working in Construction field. But anyway his passion towards Writing not stopped. Whenever he had time he will think of stories and characters. That feel itself simply Awesome. But he continued as a Engineer. As the days pass on, he waited for a right moment to catch up again. He waited a long time - One fine day he saw a post from Biopage Storytelling Writing Contest. He thought it is a right moment, so he applied to Biopage. And that's - The baby born is - Me!

I've been wondering why I've been feeling like I've been making less progress lately and I think it's because I hopped back onto the dating sites again. After I broke off the engagement with Mark, I promised myself I would try to find myself and I was making some progress but then it's like I went back to my old bad habits. I felt guilty when my therapist was telling me the other day how proud she was of me because I wasn't dating and I was really focusing on what made me happy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. I thought I could start dating again without feeling like I used to; like I needed validation from these guys I dated but it's still happening. I started dating one guy that showed some red flags in the beginning but I went out with him because I thought he deserved a chance. The date wasn't amazing but I decided I would see him again. Since that date, he was all over the place communicating with me and said he was going to hang out with me on a particular day and then never followed through. My best friend didn't have the best feeling about him. He didn't think he was necessarily a bad person but he didn't think he was compatible with me. Despite all of this, I decided to go on a second date with him. We went on this extreme hike to Hubbard Park's castle and we had a great time. We laughed, talked, drank a little and kissed a whole lot. When I got home, I fell apart. Part of it was because I skipped taking a pill but another part of it was because my anxiety was sky rocketing over thinking he wouldn't continue to like me or accept all of my flaws. These feelings ruined the rest of the night. I want to stop feeling that way. I need to gain some self-love and self-confidence before I put myself back into the dating world. I'm not doing myself any favors dating too early. I'm just undoing the progress I've been making and I risk hurting people that I date. I think I'm going to break it off with him before it gets more serious. Ever since I started dating, he's all I've been thinking about even though I don't even know if I like him that much! I check my phone constantly and him paying attention controls how I feel. I need to break it off so I can finally focus on me again. I need to do this for myself. I need to break the cycle for real now.

Indeed from stream and strike of loving heart I gave myself to life and it to me. It pains not me to mourn when i depart, Upon the hour my life will cease to be. For I am she who sailed on seven sins And learnt and laughed with friend and foe anew. I am the one who re-tuned painful dins When destiny's drums beat my path a strew. 'O dearest life,' said she who smiled with pride, 'You are my best accomplice, yet my woe; You taunt us with deceiving easy ride- O cunning charmer, all our fears you know. Yet such magnificence you do behold When human hearts are sanctioned to unfold.'

“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Genesis 1:1. “Allah creates the creation in the beginning, and then brings it forth anew: and, in the end, to Him you all will re- turn” Quran 30:11. A question was posed to me “What is square one and can you ever return to it?” The first thing that came to mind was the dichotomy I am currently living. A dichotomy of east and west, Christian vs Muslim I must start at the very beginning. My life began in a dichotomy, conceived as the child of Uyghur parents. The Uyghur are a tribe and racial group split by the borders of China and Kyrgyzstan. We are a persecuted racial minority in China and a racial minority in Kyrgyzstan. The Uyghur are neither Chinese nor Caucasian but a unique racial and tribal group, comparable to the Native American Indians. Sadly fewer and fewer speak my native language, even I speak mainly Russian and was educated in Russian as Kyrgyzstan was part of the former Soviet Union. My people are torn between countries and languages. My story begins in 1999 in the capital of Kyrgyzstan Bishkek where I spent just 3-4 years and then went to a small town Karakol with my mom and my younger sister. My dad doesn't live with us. Now I want talk about a very important event that had happened to me. On March 28th 2016 a lot of things have changed. I won a scholarship for a Future Leaders Exchange program. It is a scholarship based exchange program that helps high school students from Middle Eastern countries study in an American High School and exchange their cultural experiences with the American people. Nobody can imagine how happy I was to be a finalist of this exchange program. I have been dreaming of seeing America since I was in the 6th grade. There are four thousand applicants in my city alone and only ninety students from all of Kyrgyzstan get selected. I had applied three times and this was my last chance. They do not tell you why you do not get accepted. I was president of my class and academically first in my class but didn't make it the first two times. My uncle filled out my paperwork the third time because the first two times when I wasn't selected my father told me it was because no one wanted me and they never would and I should stop applying. I studied incredibly hard and tried again because I couldn't give up on my dream. This time, my very last chance, I made it. What has impressed me the most, is how much charity work the church does. I volunteer in the food pantry, serving dinners and with the nurseries. I was really impressed by how there are so many people that want to be useful to their community. At home I volunteer with Kyrgyzstani Orphans. I have written grants to create curriculum to tutor them in English. Having lived in the US my desire to be useful to my community has grown. It is really important to understand that every help is appreciated. I remember one story that my teacher told me. He told us that one time there was a fire in the city and people were trying to get water in order to put out a fire, so one man saw that a small ant was carrying some water and he asked him if he thought that this much water can put out the fire and then ant replied:” The amount is not very important, your intentions are more important” In conclusion I want to say that we people should be kind to each other. We should always be willing to help each other. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”- Galatians 5:22 Another message of my essay is that all people are equal. It does not matter if you are Christian or Muslim, black or white, Asian or Hispanic. I uploaded the picture where there are girls from different countries and continents who have different religions and ethnicity but that is not a problem for them, because there is kindness in their heart.