I posted my labor story on my blog. If you'd like to check it out, don't worry, I didn't go into great detail, haha. Check out my website if you're interested! I'll be posting lots about my cute little boy!

“THE THINGS I LEARNED DURING QUARANTINE LIFE” When you think back to your first day in lockdown, what were your fears, worries, and hopes? Are you the same person now than you were at the beginning of all this? What has changed about who you are and how you view the world? Before the lockdown was implemented! I was living a ROBOTIC life like most of us; I knew I had to make CHANGES; I knew I had to inculcate certain habits to make those changes, I knew I had to START… but I just kept living almost as if somebody had put a socket and a battery in me and I switched it ON every morning, did the routine stuff, and then switched it OFF at night to go off to sleep. But, the lockdown changed things for ME, or maybe it was just ME, who pushed myself to changed and take change. This lockdown gave all us a great opportunity to grow, at least; I will always Thankful for this lockdown. This lockdown taught me some important lesson of life, which are as follow: The thing I learned is that, Everybody is a treasure in them. They do not need to keep finding that treasure in a loved one, job, money, fame. Don't get me wrong here. I don't mean that relationships are not important and that other humans who we bond with to form relationships should be discarded to discover yourself; or that all jobs are worthless. What I intend to says that Humans, we forget to validate ourselves, in a world when people feel validated only when OTHERS COMPLIMENTS THEM or OTHERS TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR STRENGTHS, They will very quickly feel invalidated when those some OTHERS WILL CALL THEM OUT ON THEIR WEAKNESS, BELITTLE THEM, CRITICIZE THEM, that is why it is important to find the treasure within YOU. I'm still in the process of doing that but it has been a wonderful and empowering Journey. One more thing that I learned is that whatever you wished for maybe some years ago. You can bring it to action today. We will witness so many writers, actors, singers, musicians, chefs, designers, programmers, painters, and the list is long, showcasing their talents. Also, large friction was of people who discovered their new talents. Many gained new skills through practice and hard work, talking about my self. I like to write because it allows me to focus on something and help me relieve stress. I enjoy writing because you can write anything based on how I feel at that moment SAD, HAPPY, ANALYTICAL; anything can become good writing, I like to write because it is a way for me to express my thoughts. During this lockdown I got time for myself to polish my writing skill, as I'm a stay at home parent .so, I couldn't be able to find time for me. So, I just wanted to use this lockdown period productivity, and want to do something different for my career. So I have completed online courses on a different topic, I have started my career as a creative writer. I have also started my blog, where I can post my thoughts and my experience. I would love to write about POSITIVITY, HEALTH, MOTIVATION, and RELATIONSHIP. I have also worked as a guest blogger for different platforms. I believe that bringing a child into the world and focusing on his or her needs through infancy is a worthwhile goal. But as your child gets older and begins preschool or kindergarten, you may find that you are interested in returning to a career or getting an education. So this lockdown is a golden opportunity for all of us especially for the stay at home parent to grow and develop your career. This is my suggestion that you could also write about your quarantine life and things you learned during this COVID-19 pandemic. Good luck.

All over the world, the journey of a woman's life is predetermined by the patriarchal society we live in – it's not an opinion, but a fact. This restricted and claustrophobic journey is sadly amplified for those girls who are born in regular, unassuming and conventional families in developing countries like India. Although I was not born to conservative parents, their parents were very traditional. So, when I was born, a second daughter, my mother was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse from both of my grandparents. Not a great thing to learn when growing up, however, it does explain why I was never as close to my grandparents as my older sister and younger brother were. I don't know how this affected my subconscious?! Perhaps, me being fiercely independent from a very young age and a bit of a rebel would be a measured behavioural outcome of the knowledge that I had of how (un)loved and (un)wanted I was by my grandparents! Anyhow, getting to the crux of the story, I have always lived my life on my terms “unapologetically”, but never used this term till it was made trendy by millennials. I worked from the age of 16, got my Bachelor's degree, left my country to pursue my Masters (1000s miles away from my home) in pursuit of freedom and independence when a lot of my peers were getting married. I got a job, lived on my own, fell in love and married to a “gora / gringo” (it wasn't a done thing at the time in my home country). All of these things were challenges in their own right, but I was never phased by them. Also, I love a good challenge, a classic trait of a rebel! I must add here, my parents and siblings always supported me at the end and stood by my decisions and even, celebrated them with me. As a child, I always dreamt of travelling the world, and I got to do that a lot with my loving partner-in-crime, my husband. However, as expected from a woman, once you're married with a job and a house, the prospect of producing an offspring was lingering over my head. Now, this expectation, isn't just limited to females from certain conventional families, it's an expectation from females, full stop. Apparently, a desire to procreate should come naturally to women…only I didn't feel that way. It took me weeks to gather courage to tell my husband that I didn't feel the need to leave a legacy behind – a child. I wasn't worried about telling him that I didn't want to use my female reproduction super powers (we share an open and transparent relationship), but what worried me was, what if he felt differently – could I bear to lose my best friend? We went to our favourite Italian restaurant and after a few glasses of wine (of course) I told him that I didn't want to be a parent, but, instead, I wanted to see the world with him! He listened to me patiently and, he replied, to my surprise, that he shared the same feelings, but didn't know how to say it. Well, needless to say I was greatly relieved! However, soon after I felt relieved, the thought of telling our parents about our decision took over and that, seemed like a huge mountain to climb. Remember, I said expectations! It's not “normal” for people to decide not to procreate – human instinct and all that. It was easy for me to tell my mother, as I tell her pretty much everything, but to tell my in-laws of our decision was very daunting. My mother took the news beautifully, as always, she supported my decision and said “as long as you both are happy, that's all it matters”. Eventually, we told our in-laws and although, it was far from easy, and it took them some time to come around our decision, they accepted it. The declaration of our decision to not procreate and overburden the planet which is already brimming with children, didn't limit to our family and friends, it's something we have to do on a regular basis by answering questions, “so, do you have children / when are you planning to have a little one / when are you going to start a family?”, to extended relatives, friends' families, neighbours, my hairdresser, my local café owner, strangers…the list is endless. I have been tempted at times to say “we've tried but to no avail” – you see, you get sympathy to that response, but not when you say you've chosen not to have a child – you get judged for it and are even called “selfish”. So, here are the questions I contemplate – why is it “normal” to want to have kids and not acceptable to choose not to? Also, why do we have to conform to the society and live our lives dictated by it? My husband and I chose, NOT to conform – we couldn't be happier and are living fulfilled lives. Years ago, I came across a very powerful saying that I always go back to when I am feeling lost and unsure - “If Not Now, When? If Not Me, Who?” I keep reminding myself not to worry about what others think and I continue to make life choices that I feel are right for me and I do that unapologetically.

On June 26, 2019 at 6PM I gave birth to a handsome little human named Joseph. Nobody can ever prepare you for the mental state that Motherhood can place you in. When I first laid eyes on that little boy he was and still is the purest form of love that I have ever had the chance to be in the presence of. When I found out that I was going into labor I was in disbelief. See JoJo (as I like to call him) is my rainbow baby. I miscarried an angel last year April 28, 2018. After losing that little angel I told myself that I didn't want to be pregnant again until I had reached this point of financial stability but I guess God had other plans in mind. Some days I look at him and I am so completely and utterly afraid of failing him because in my head, I was supposed to be much more prepared for him than what I am but the truth is you're never really “prepared” for motherhood. I look at him some days and I remember the innocence that I used to hold and how life kind of snatched that away from me and I dread the thought that it'll do the same to him. When I look at JoJo, I see someone that is carefree and taken care of, not a worry in the world and I wonder about the man that he will grow up to be. I wonder will I be able to truly teach him how to be a man when I am a single mother and I have no male influences to be around him. JoJo is only 3 months old at this moment and I am afraid, I am happy but I am afraid. There is so much going on in this world and it hurts that I won't always be able to protect him like my mother wasn't always able to protect me. I watch him as he constantly smiles and I pray that that smile never fades away, I pray that he always remains happy although I am very aware that some days he'll find it hard to smile but I can't help but to hold on to the hope that his good days will forever outweigh the not-so good days. I imagine the motivating things that I will tell him when he gets to the point that he can respond to me. Nobody can prepare you for the sleepless nights that you may encounter, not because he's up crying but because you're up crying because your worried about what kind of future can you help create for him when you don't have much. I look at other mothers that have husbands and I think of how lucky they are to have someone to reassure them that everything is going to be alright, someone that can pick up the slack when you're having an off day. I find it funny how even though we are truly never alone in our feelings and emotions that somehow, we still feel as though we are even though there are many women out in the world at this very moment dealing with the same thoughts and feelings. We have taught ourselves to bottle those feelings up because we must remain strong, we must wear this mask, a mask that says, “Everything is okay!” when it's not, a mask that says, “I have adequate finances to take care of everyone!” when you really don't, a mask that says, “I'm completely energized!” when you're tired and emotionally drained. Someone once approached me and said that I smile a lot and seeing my smile made them happy and brought joy to them because I radiated and I thought to myself, “Well I guess I wear this mask pretty well.” The most insane part about Motherhood is that even though sometimes you don't feel like you're enough, to that little kid, you are their everything and that alone gives you purpose. My heart melts every time I see my little human. In fact, these worries only exist because I love him so much and I want him to have more than what I had growing up and the thought of not being able to provide him with better is a very scary thought to me. I want to tell mothers that it is okay to have these thoughts, they are so natural to have and nothing to be ashamed of. We must take each day one at a time and know that we've got this, that we are Superwomen to them and if our kids can think that highly of us then we should be able to think that highly of ourselves as well. So, have your mom thoughts but remember to pick yourself up at the end of it and genuinely know in your heart that you're doing a great job.

There was a moment, as the sun rose on your seventh day on Earth, when we both lifted our heavy eyelids from something similar to sleep at exactly the same time. We stared at each other for a collection of seconds, I slowly awake so that I can steal some additional precious moments with my sleepy daughter her name is Dakota and as her mum I give her cuddles in bed in the morning to help her and myself get passed the groggy stage of sleep. After rising I sip my coffee and puff on a cigarette while it is yet still dark I ponder my day. It plays over in my mind and I make a mental note of dinner so I can begin its preparation early.\n\nWhat I wasn't expecting was to feel happy and loved. our morning cuddles and Dakotas soft whisper that she loves you and your the best mum in the world is a magical moment. It creates The kind of love that leaves you happily weeping in a shower long after you've scrubbed every inch of your body - cause you feel the same way about her you're just desperate to keep the water running so you can \\"enjoy\\" your feeling of being loved for just a few more minutes more and have a cry on your own without her seeing you do it.\n\nYou leave your shower feeling refreshed and invigorated it's time to bath the little Princess get breakfast and get her ready for the day. You have fun together getting her dressed piggy tails are so cute on her. Breakfast goes quickly toast and porridge and cartoons bluey her favourite cartoon.\n\nWe spend an hour dancing to crazy songs spinning eachother around vicariously to the beats of old rock music. Dakota loves twirling around and being spun around a few little giggles and laughs begin and it usually leads to more cuddles and conversation about which song to play next.\n\nWe venture out for the day catching buses to our local shopping centre where we walk around together window shopping looking for stuff to buy for Dakotas birthday that's coming up this month.\n\nconstant nagging for Lollies is the norm and we usually settle it pretty easily with a dollar lollie from the lolly bar and Wendy's ice cream for Dakota it's her treat for behaving and its nice to see her enjoy an ice cream.\n\nDakota loves the bus she regularly chats to old ladies and bus drivers on our journeys. being that Dakota is a very social little girl. She happily greets the bus driver and the often thanks him for our driving us on our journey as she leaves the bus. It makes me extremely proud to see her using her manners and communication skilks and being the delightful little girl that she is.\n\nI feel super proud of Dakota as her mother she is a beautiful happy healthy little girl with a vibrant personality Dakota is extremely caring and compassionate and it makes her even more important to me as her mum. Sometimes she can be difficult but it's usually only when she becomes bored.\n\nWe end our night much the same as we begin our day. we curl up in bed together for a big cuddle and talking session where we share our favourite parts of the day and share story's with each other about our weeks passed.\n

Before giving birth, Mother undoubtedly read child development books and baby-proofed her house. But no one could tell her what to anticipate. No one could tell her that the little girl she'd soon birth would come with a personality all her own and it would often ran in direct opposition to her own. I guess what got me thinking about Mother was a Mother's Day keepsake the six-year old me prepared for her in school. Our teacher mimeographed pictures for us to color; I selected the rose picture and colored the roses red because Mother's favorite flower was red roses. When I ran across the keepsake in one of my scrapbooks, my mind was flooded with memories of Mother. I remember the summer I picked plums with her from the tree beside our house and made plum jelly. I remember walking with her to the nearby corner store, buying a package of M&Ms, and washing them down with a diet Dr. Pepper. I remember her making me peanut butter sandwiches; combing the tangles out of my wispy, fine, hair; and making me wear the itchy, frilly dresses that she made. I remember the five-year old me sitting on her lap while she read me books. The older me remembers her reading the dictionary to me every night. “Words are powerful,” she repeatedly said. “Learn their meanings, how to spell them, and how to use them properly. The teenage me half-heartedly listened as she impressed upon me, “ Choose your words carefully and kindly when conversing with others.” From kindergarten on, she dropped me off at school. As she drove away, she rolled down the window and said, “Remember, you're smart. You'll do well in school.” Whenever I wrote a paper for any class, she always read it before I turned it in. Rather than offering criticism, she asked, “Is this your best effort?” Even now, her words echo in my mind whenever I'm critiquing or editing my own writing. Her methodology gave me confidence by teaching me to measure my own abilities and efforts from an internal standard and compass. I thank Mother for her shaping words—words that made a difference. There have been those times in my professional career and personal life when I felt stretched beyond my ability. But I would always hear her gentle voice telling a younger me, “You're smart; you can do whatever you need or choose to do.” Her words pushed me beyond where I might have been tempted to stop. The much older version of me stares into the eyes of the reckless, demanding, know-it-all child I was; it must've been difficult to be my mother, for my personality and hers clashed. Frequently, I think about the words I said and wish I could take them back. I was unbelievably blessed with the quintessential mother. Were Mother still alive, I'd thank her for the words she gave me and the non-stop encouragement she administered—encouragement that's sustained me my entire life.

I am on the other side of 35 now and the mother of three awesome children. My son is an amazing person. He is a non-conformist and at times very caring and at other times, he's your stereotypical teenager. He is an artist at heart and I love him fiercely. He is strangely thoughtful and has been this way. At 6 or 7 years old, he surprised me with the questions, “what is love?” and “where does love come from?” Once, right in the middle of his homework assignment he said “Mommy, it must have been hard for you”. Not knowing what he was talking about I said “what are you talking about?” He said “Your mother dying when you were young”. He was wrong. While I am sure my childhood was different than the average person's since you weren't around, I never really dealt with your absence at that age; I began to process it when I was an adult. As a child your death was never something the family spoke about. We just went on living. We moved in with daddy and kept the play button of life on. I went to school, did what was required of me and moved on…until the teenage years. Daddy was a different kind of parent than you were: he favored the strict dad approach and I was very limited in the places I could go. As a result I did a little sneaking around and did some things I probably shouldn't have. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I didn't think I was worse than the average teenager at the time but I certainly wasn't the best. I only had a couple of close friends at the time and I don't know if that was a good or bad thing since she wasn't really the most sympathetic or sensitive person. But she's who I had, and I am grateful for her. Daddy got married to a woman I admire and love very much. She is one of the kindest people I know. She was definitely the motherly type but different than you, which is probably a good thing you know? If she seemed like she was a replacement for you maybe we wouldn't have gotten along. She was a worrier, always worried about other folks having what they need and often neglecting herself. I can't recall one bad experience with her. You were a different kind of mother; I like to think I somewhat take after both of you, you know? You were a creative, a poet who loved music and danced with me and sis all the time. I remember spending nights by granny listening to ‘Lady in Red' on my Walkman, smelling freshly baked bread in her oven. Those were much simpler times. It's been a bit more complicated in my adult life. I miss you most now because I am struggling with being a grown-up. Somehow, I feel like I don't understand what it means to be a woman because you were not here to teach me the rules. I don't know how to balance being a mom and a wife. Heck, I don't even think I am doing the being a mom thing right, and now that I have a teenage step-daughter and my 4 year old, I feel like I may not be preparing them for life as a woman. Sometimes I think that not knowing was an advantage for me but at other times I feel like life would've been easier if I would just follow the rules and conform. Would I want to teach my kids to conform to societal rules? Probably not, but I do think life would be easier if I could find that sweet spot between conforming and doing my own thing…I believe that is where life becomes easier to navigate. Either way, I suck at the balancing act of working full time, (full time and half actually) and being a mother. Not just a mother but a loving mommy that has the energy to play with the kids and clean and cook wholesome foods and not feel like I'm losing my mind doing that and forsaking my own desires to be who I truly am (which is not always kid friendly). I do not believe I am defined by this thing called being a mother and feel profoundly selfish for even having the thought of being something besides that. Realistically, I know you were more than a mother, but I suppose that is all I saw, and you seemed happy that way. Why do I struggle with that? I am most bothered by not being able to ask you for advice. It sucks that I can't sit with you as an adult and have a conversation with you, something I enjoy doing with daddy and my step-mother. It disturbs me that you will never hold any of your grandchildren and they will never know what you smell like (I still remember after all of these years). They will never know the awesome person you are, and they will never truly understand why I am so bummed out every mother's day and every August 28th (yes, I still remember your birthday). I'm not ready to leave my kids, but I am sure looking forward to seeing you again. I just want to talk to you. Take care of yourself. I hope you read this letter. With love, Your daughter.