Today started off really well. I went on a date with a nice guy and we had a really good time. He acts like he wants to go on a third date and when I go home I break down. Why? I realized I forgot to take one of my anxiety pills and my anxiety rocketed. This made me want to crawl up into a ball in my bed and did for a little but I forced myself to get out and do some writing. Writing usually gives me some kind of perspective but I'm having a hard time today. I feel like I'm broken and that no one could possibly be want to be with someone like that. I know I have to keep fighting and that is the most important thing to do but I'm so tired of having to do that every day. And when I think that I will have to make this effort for the rest of my life it makes me feel really overwhelmed. I wish God didn't choose this life for me but I'm sure there was a reason for it. I just haven't figured it out yet.

I learned something new today. My therapist thinks that I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The definition on the internet states “BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance. People with BDD can dislike any part of their body, although they often find fault with their hair, skin, nose, chest, or stomach.” I was blown away by this definition because it described me perfectly. I always knew I had anxiety but I didn't know there was such a specific form of it. Knowing this really opened my eyes because I was never able to fully relate to others that had anxiety. Sure, they knew all about the heart racing, panic attacks, lack of appetite and insomnia but their obsessiveness with their image was never their trigger. In some ways, I feel better knowing that there is a disroder that fits me exactly because it means that I'm not crazy; I'm not alone. If doctors labeled this obessiveness as BDD then it must mean a whole lot of other people must be suffering from it. This comforts me somewhat. Maybe since I am now armed with this knowledge I can soothe myself easier knowing that what I'm fixating on is either an illusion or an overexaggeration of my imagination. I have a long road to recovery but I am grateful to God every day that I am slowly making progress. I know I will always have my bad days but my hope is that they will start to be less frequent. No matter how difficult things get for me in the future, I want to remember that I have already overcame a lot and I will continue to overcome. I am a fighter. And I deserve happiness.