Chapter 1 I open my eyes and…I'm not at home. I'm in a different room with beige short walls. The first thing to grab my attention, however, is the dark green watch on the left wall. The colour reminds me of an oak, the symbol of…There is a small silver metal-framed bed, a bedside table with a glass of water on it, a brown wooden chair, a TV that is switched on, but it doesn't work. I'm hearing some sounds produced by the TV. They're killing me. My head is exploding; there are echoes inside my head. I take my head in my hands and scream․ «What's happening? What the fuck is going on? Is this real? Stoop! Stop it! I'm not able to keep myself under control…» -No, no, no. This isn't right. Where am I? Why I hear these sounds? I'm standing in the middle of the room struggling and someone enters. It's the nurse and I no longer feel any pain. She grins to from ear to ear and asks how I feel myself. «MY GOD, I'm in an asylum, I'm in an asylum. I'm mad; no I can't be mad, no!» -I'm fine, I'm great. May I ask you why I'm here? -My dear girl, you were almost dead when you were brought you to the hospital. I look at my hands: they are bandaged. -I don't understand anything or maybe I confuse something. What happened to me? -You tried to terminate your life. You cut your veins and have lost much blood. -What day is it? -It's May 22. -What? It should be May 21. It was my birthday yesterday and the 1st anniversary of our relationship. The nurse looks at me astonished. -Yeah, the 1st anniversary. We celebrated it together. I remember it vividly: we were in a wonderful restaurant but soon he got a call and after some minutes he told me he had to leave the country as soon as possible. He didn't tell me why he just went. And I came home. -I'm sorry, honey. However, it's still May 22 and I'm still worried about you as you attempted to commit suicide on your birthday! -I didn't, okay? I adore my life and I'm fond of myself. I'm a lecturer at the university at the age of 28, I'm about to publish my first book, I have the perfect partner in the world and I… -What about children? -None. I can't have children. -Infertility? Are you sure Miss… -Miss Black. Yes, I'm sure. When I was 17, I got into a car accident and was deprived of the ability to have my children. -Then this will surprise you: you lost your child, Miss Black. I'm sorry. -You're kidding, right? That can't be true. I…no, I can't have children, I can't become a mother and I don't want to be one either. -This means you can, dear. But don't worry, you will still have children. As for now, please, take these pills in an hour. I will come back later. The nurse hands me 3 and leaves. «What the hell? This proportion of information is too much for me». I run to the bathroom, throw the pills in the toilet and look in the mirror. -I may be nuts?! Shit, this should be an outrageous joke, someone got to be kidding me, maybe they wanna scare me or teach me a lesson. Ah, anyway this isn't true. I don't believe these theories, no, no, no, no, noooo․ I drank some water and sat down on the bed. -I…I should go back in time to understand how I appeared here. When I got back home yesterday I was so nervous I drank a little red wine, then I watched TV and finally decided to sleep. But I wasn't able to shut my eyes immediately. I was rolling over in the bed, having a weird feeling inside my stomach and belly. It was neither the butterflies, nor my periods starting. I had the impression of being punctured. I was moving all the time. At last, I got up, went to the bathroom to wash my face to refresh me. I stared at me in the mirror and noticed that my skin colour was brighter than ever. While examining my face skin, suddenly I began to cough. It continued for two or three minutes and when I spat, there appeared some blood in the washbasin. I spat much more blood, but hopefully it ceased soon. I gazed at my face again and this time I saw a corpse. I was horrified. I cleaned the washbasin and washed my face. The cold water refreshed me a little so the pain in the stomach and belly didn't bother me anymore. Besides, my mind almost resumed working properly. I went to bed again and didn't think of anything else. I simply dropped off. -I'm curious about what happened then. I opened my eyes here. I'm in total confusion. My emotional state is gradually deteriorating and I'm almost going insane…ah, I think I'm already insane. -Someone, look at me. How miserable I am. I can't even remember how and why the fuck I hurt myself. Why on the earth should I have done that? Somebody, tell me. I need help! And indeed someone speaks in my head telling me that I have cut my veins for him. But that's way too primitive for me! I wouldn't do that because of what happened. It wasn't that big of a deal. My life is more precious․ “Let yourself get some rest and go to bed”, my inner voice whispers and I obey it.

“I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift. Is this madness? … No.” – Henri-Frédéric Amiel Have you ever wondered how unreality feels? Have you ever wondered how it feels to feel unreal? To feel completely disconnected from reality? If you do, I'm deeply sorry for you, but if you don't, buckle up and enjoy the ride! It was a chilly November afternoon when everything started. I was walking home when something hit my brain with the speed of sound. Suddenly, I started questioning if this world is real, or I'm just living in a simulator. I was petrified because I have never experienced anything like this before. I thought I was going crazy and my first thought was "I can't go schizophrenic, I just can't". I felt weightlessness in my hands and legs, disorientation, a dream-like state. I was slowly diffusing into non-existence. Suddenly finding myself imprisoned in the ruins of the fortresses my mind created, I realized I took reality for granted. I felt captive in my own mind and I couldn't get out. I felt like a veil separated me from everything. The whole world seemed lifeless, dreadful, artificial. I tried my best to climb the wall that was separating me from the outside world, but fell back down every time. I tried to listen carefully to every sound - they seemed louder and then...nothing. I felt like time has stopped for a while and I was living the same moment over and over again - it was an endless carousel and I couldn't get off of it. I was scared, paralyzed by the fear of remaining in that infinite moment, unable to live another one again. I froze. I closed my eyes and dived deep into the darkest corner of my mind. There was a hill, filled with blue little creatures, faded tress, monochrome circles rolling over the hill and four doors. I felt discombobulated. Why four? Did I have to choose? Or maybe I was supposed to go through all of them. I decided to choose one - the one on which it was written "Reality Check". That was it. I entered the door and felt like someone put me on acid - vibrant colors, thundering sounds, overjoyed silhouettes and suddenly I was back, back on the street. Back in my own body, but still had my mind trapped.