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Best friend. Everyone defines ‘'best friend'' in different ways. Some peoples' best friend is their mother, some peoples' are their dogs, some of theirs are books, some of theirs are their siblings. ''Best friend'' can change from person to person, but the main point is always the same; best friend is who you are happier with. Who you can be creative around them. Who makes you feel safe. My best friend was my piano teacher, Murat Arman. I knew him for long years. I knew he was going to be my best friend when I first met him. But what happens when you lost your best friend, your happy place? The first time I've ever seen him was at my school. He was so tall and had a black scarf. I still remember how my class was so afraid of him because he seemed so cold and stern. I'm not going to lie, that day I was afraid of him too. But then, when I got the chance to meet him, I realized he was not cold, actually, he was so funny and sweet. He loved children, and he loved his job as well. He was so talented and had too many students. I was so glad that he was my teacher. When I was 14, I was studying for an exam that was at the end of the year. I was so nervous and all I was thinking about was that exam. I was still going to my piano course, though. I never wanted to quit. But I couldn't do the homework that teacher Murat gave me, because I had no time. Teacher Murat realized that, and instead of yelling at me like other piano teachers I knew, he said ‘'you know what, let's not put so much pressure on you. I know you have to focus on your exam, so you don't have to do the homework I'm giving to you. You can come here to just stay away from your school stresses, but it's only for this year, because I really want you to be a great pianist. I know you are working so hard but you have to give yourself some place. We can create this place for you here, every Friday.'' I was really thankful for him for saying that because I was feeling bad that I wasn't doing his homework. From that day on, we started to talk for 40 minutes, and study for 20 minutes in our lessons. He knew everything about me. He was like family to me, and he was always saying ‘'I'm so glad you came, I was really bored today, we can have fun now.'' I remember that I cried multiple times when I was with him. He always knew how to cheer me up. He was always there for me during my worst times and he really made me love playing the piano. In March 2020, Covid-19 was seen in our country for the first time. Everyone was in a panic, no one knew what to do. The schools were online, and we couldn't go out for a long time. I had to quit the course. I was so sad that I had to. I talked with teacher Murat and he said ‘'I'm sad that you cannot come but it's OK. I hope you can come back here as soon as possible.'' I really hoped that too, but I couldn't ever go back there. On November 24, 2020 (National Teachers' Day in Turkey), it was the last time I spoke to Murat Teacher. He was so happy that I called, and he thought I was coming back to the class, I told him I was going to visit him but sadly, the pandemic was not over so I couldn't. On April 22 2021, my mom came to my room and she was trying not to cry. I was so scared and asked what was wrong. She started crying and said teacher Murat was dead. I still cannot forget how my mom said that to me, how her voice was shaking, and how I was shocked. At first, I thought she was joking and I started laughing because I didn't think it could be real. In 10 seconds, I realized it was real and I started crying. I cannot tell you how much I cried. I cried for days. No one could stop me from crying. He was my best friend, he was the most talented person I've ever known and most importantly I made a promise to him that I was going to visit him and now he was gone. My best friend was gone. It was so hard for me to accept it. I still cannot accept it, but I'm trying to move on because I know he would want me to move on if he was alive. He would tell me to be strong and even make jokes about it. So, instead of crying all day, I started to try to move on. After 2 weeks, I went out, made new friends, studied. Losing my best friend was losing my memories, my happiness but instead of being so sad about the fact that he's gone, I learnt to be thankful for I had the chance for meeting him and spend so many times with him. Now I'm doing much better, and my life goal is to make him proud of me.

Dear the worst day of my life, To begin, I remember you like it was yesterday but the replay I do everyday feels like it's today. Do you remember the day I lost all hope, the day that life stopped mattering maybe the day that my life fell apart and broke me into five million pieces? No I didn't think so but I remember you, I most all remember the feeling like I was dying that I was drowning and sea salt was pouring in my lungs and that my chest was being pounded on with a hammer. I most of all remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I think the worst part was knowing that everything was not going to be okay, that my life was going to change for the worst and nothing was going to get better no matter what! To start off, I got up and I was in a small room with my baby brother who was 10 at the time I was only 13, a newborn teenager not ready or known to this horrible news I will soon find out. I got ready for school like any other day in a group home. I left for school and went to each class like nothing. After school I got “home” and put out a small notebook to begin to write a Christmas list of people I need to give present to I wrote down my dad, mom, brother, one staff at the group home, my very best friend, my friend from school, my aunts and uncles, and cousins. Then after I wrote down the name and was about to start to see what they wanted for Christmas. One of the staff came and told me my “Favorite” aunt is coming to pick up me and my brother. I was so excited I haven't seen her for a little less than a month since I went to group home. But it was Thursday, to be point on it was December 5th 2019. I waited and waited and then the doorbell rang. I just got to my feet and walked to the door and there they were. I must have looked surprised. I wouldn't have guessed it wasn't just my aunt but also her husband who I'm not fond over, her daughter who is like an aunt to me for many reasons but most of all she is like 36 years old, and my dad. I didn't think anything of it. Except the fact of why Jerri was still in her work nurses scrubs for working at a daycare. But I didn't say anything about it. I asked if my aunts wanted to see my room. Jojo didn't want to see just was going to sign the paper to take me for the night. I walked auntie Jerri to my room and she put something under my pillow and told me I could look when I got back. I just thought it was money to be honest. Dad was crying in the car but I thought it was because he hadn't seen me and brother since they decided to take us til my mom could get better and my dad got some anger management class or maybe some therapy. But anyways we arrived at the park. This part is the moment I will replay and replay until I'm blue in the face. I asked if they would like to walk the trail but they told us we need to sit down and talk. I was confused when I asked questions I've never wanted to ask and never want to hear the answer that I got. “Was mom okay?” and Jerri answered with a shake of head no i sat at the bench. They told me something I didn't want to hear, something that I want to close my ears and start to sing a lullaby. They told me that my mom had died early this morning but I didn't feel tears so I just let myself scream like someone was trying to murder me and I was calling for help. I started to scream then the pain started, the sea salt poured into my chest, the hammer hitting my chest so hard I thought that every bone in my body was breaking. Was it supposed to physically hurt? It was just sadness nobody was hitting me nobody was hurting just the feeling that I just lost my mom. My best friend, my only likable parent, the only one I knew that I couldn't live without, died I would never see alive again. I never felt lost before till today I never felt so much pain before. I will ask myself this until I decide to become a mother and have a neutral labor. “Is losing a parent the most hurtful and painful thing to ever encounter?” It didn't make sense how she could have died… she was purposely going home from the hospital this morning. My life didn't make sense anymore. I was broken. I lost a part of me that I couldn't get back. I had to call the person that I knew I needed the most right now. I called my best friend and said something I never want to tell her not now or later. “ my mom died” After that day things started going fast I didn't let myself feel how could I? I knew if I started crying I wouldn't stop. Therefore me and my brother stayed in a group home and my dad became homeless with his new girlfriend. Life is not the same and never will be when I decide to have kids then won't have a grandma, my mom will never cry at my wedding, she'll never see me in high school, or see what college I go to. I will never have my mom back. My life as I know it will hurt and be painful forever, every time I feel that hole in my heart.

On the previous November 2019 the entire world stood thunderstruck facing new Virus Appeared in China in Wuhan province and invaded the whole world on January 2020. It affected the entire world but here I am talking about the Egyptian society that I belong to. And we started the home quarantine Through this time most of people started working from home and others lost their jobs but I was one of those who worked at home in this period which affected all my life aspects It was a unique experience to be in home quarantine (optional detention) because all our life activities was inside home and it was so difficult to stay inside home for long time and has no option to go out except for necessities but I adapted with staying home Through this period I learnt a lot of things and my relationship with my family has been changed (I have wife and 3 kids (2 boys and a girl)) because they stayed and studied at home because of schools closing too. I found out that a man has a role other than material spending, I noticed that my children's relationship with each other was half-hearted and every one of them has his private matters and problems that I did not know because I was busy with my work but I started getting close to them And know what is going on in their thoughts , mind , hobbies and friends too I realized what we should do as parents to bring up our children, so I started to concentrate on Bringing up, guidance and education of my children and I talked with them a lot through this time. Relationship with my children improved and I knew that presence of man at home is very important In addition to relationship with my wife became better and I felt what is called marital life . All activities were being done in the house like haircuts using a haircut machine for everyone for avoiding infection. My work discipline has been completely changed and I started to work from home and prepared a special place for that, it was difficult in the beginning and I tried to create suitable circumstances. As for me it was so difficult because I work as Internal Audit Manager so I was receiving documents by E-mail and collect all documents, analyze data , type reports and send it again to BOD (Board Of Directors) But this experience trained me to work under pressure and within any circumstances. We started to ask about all our neighbors, friends and our relatives and help each others Some neighbors started to buy commodities for others and others were frightened of infection .So they kept away from people We were buying the most necessary commodities such as food and medical supplies with a numerous volume because it was the only necessity that allow us to get out of home as luxuries have no place during in this time In this period, our perception of life changed and we rearranged our interests and priorities and we found out that health is the most important thing in our life We started to feel sorrow and danger as well, because we lost some of the people around us due to the Corona virus, We began eagerly asking about all our relatives and neighbors, and looking into their condition We purified our homes and we used Antiseptics and disinfectants such as alcohol and Chlorine ..Etc We bought all preventive medical supplies and gave rules to all individuals within home to use soap for washing hands and all body This Experience was so important in our lives .I do not think that we may forget it forever and we will not have life lesson like this again This period taught us that we cannot ever rely on people and we must depend on Allah (God) because people abilities are so limited and stood helpless vs. this Virus and Allah (God) power has no limit And only God able to reveal this epidemic and any other affliction.

I've noticed it doesn't take much to pass as a guy. As a kid, it's the easiest. You just need a short haircut, and since society is dripping in gender roles, that's all it takes. Too bad when you're a kid, you don't really know what gender is yet to work the system. I know when I was a kid, I didn't care about gender at all. I just really liked games. When I was six, on my mom's old computer, there was a pinball game. It was infuriating. The flippers at the bottom of the screen were never long enough to catch the ball, like a t-rex trying to use its hands. One day I spent hours playing it, and as if I was stuck in a time loop, I shot the ball up, it bounced around, then fell directly into the void. I couldn't shoot the ball back up, without starting over, if I tried. I'm nineteen, now. I know gender, and oh we are not friends. I was walking home from class. The college campus was cold, so I wore my green hoodie and a pair of khaki pants that hugged at the ankles. The wind kept tossing my short curly hair, which I continued to let blow into my eyes. The sting only slightly noticeable. Fall around here was like a hug of ice, and I wanted to be engulfed by it. Up ahead were two men. They had clipboards in their hands, which signaled to me I had to keep my eyes low and walk faster. I didn't want to sign anything, and these guys were tall enough to be ‘persuasive.' My shoes hit the pavement. Leaves crunching underneath me with every step. I just needed to look down. “Hey bro, come sign this petition,” the taller man said to me. I stopped. 'Bro? Did he think- no. I didn't even try today.' I looked up, startled. That was a mistake. I couldn't just pretend not to notice him. I noticed. I started to panic, my words tumbling in my head. 'This is what you wanted. For people to see you as a guy.' I swallowed hard. 'Then why do I feel like I'm gonna puke?' I processed the men's intimidating figures, and concluded they probably weren't trans friendly. In a split-second decision, my voice dropped to its lowest register, shooting down my throat like a pinball. Except this time, I wanted to lose. I wanted my voice to drop into the void. With a huff, I breathed out a low, shaky, “No thanks bro.” I quickly walked away. My non-existent Adam's apple hurting in my throat.

THE LAST FIVE YEARS For thirteen years, my husband and myself asked my widowed mom to move in with us. We knew she'd love our cozy Florida home. Mom always declined mentioning her many reasons. One reason always exasperated me. “You father is in every room of this house. He built the kitchen cabinets; he rewired most of the rooms; he put in the half bath in the basement. He's done so much. How can I leave it all behind?” I always replied, “Mom, if your house was destroyed by fire, would you forget dad?” “Never!” she'd reply adamantly, “He's in my heart.” However, she would still obstinately, refuse our offer adding, “I'll leave my house when they take me out feet first!” We visited her as often as our pensions allowed which came down to twice a year. Mom would fly down to see us once a year, that is until her health began to fail. In 2005, she was diagnosed with macular degeneration. It would be matter of time until her sight was gone completely. Walking was now an issue. Mom had a wonderful neighbor who would take her to church every week and together, they'd go to dinner following the religious service. Dianne would take mom grocery shopping and help her pay her bills. Yet, despite needing this help, mom wouldn't move. Her reasons began to change. “I won't be a burden to my children.” To which I'd add, “So, it's ok to be a burden to your neighbor?” Then the unthinkable happened. It was 2011 and we were visiting mom for Christmas. My husband was finishing up a few repairs in the basement and I was tidying up the dining room. Mom said she needed to use the bathroom but decided since my husband was working on the one in the basement, she climbed the stairs to the second floor. As she approached the stairs to descend, she missed a step and in a small ball, bounced on every step on her way down where her head hit the newel post. There was blood everywhere and she couldn't move without severe pain. I dialed 9-1-1. The EMTs loaded mom in the ambulance and allowed me to ride with them. My husband followed in our car. Mom was not just lucky that day, she was blessed. Her only injuries were a laceration in the back of her head that required 7 staples, a broken foot, and a few other bruises. It could have been worse, much worse. My husband and I discussed the latest situation and agreed that now was the time to bring mom home. She no longer could live alone and with or without her consent, she was coming home with us. The problem we now faced was that she could not be able to tolerate a two-day drive to Florida. We decided that my husband would leave within two days for Florida and I would stay with mom until she was stable enough for a plane ride. Ten days later, we received the confirmation from her doctor that, yes, she was now stable enough for the trip. I called the airline and made our one-way reservations. Then I called my husband and gave him our flight information. My son and his wife spent every day with mom and me helping me take care of mom and beginning the task of clearing out her personal possessions. We packed her necessities and my son agreed to have them shipped to Florida. My son and his wife bought a transport-wheelchair which would make things easier for both of us. When the time came, we helped mom into the wheelchair. My son and a few of mom's neighbors carried her and her new wheelchair out of her house – feet first! I told her she got her wish. It wasn't until mom began living with us that I noticed her memory wasn't the same as it had been. I took her to the doctor and had her tested. The diagnosis was the onset of dementia. Mom lived with us for just over five years, losing her memory with each passing day. Another thing I found was a lump on mom's back. Should I have had it scanned? Mom was 90-years old. My doctor and I discussed the issue and decided we'd leave it alone. Mom's memory grew increasingly worse and by 2016, her communication was gone. She could hear us but couldn't respond. We read magazines, books, the newspaper. We'd turn on the TV to a science channel. She loved science and thought she'd enjoy it. I still gave her a pedicure each week and bathed her every other day. I often wonder if she every really knew. I hope so. Then, in October of 2016, the lump in her back ruptured internally causing sepsis to ravage her body. Mom died 2 days later. While it's been very hard emotionally on me, I try to find comfort in believing that she's no longer in pain, her memory is back and somewhere in Heaven she's once again, dancing with my dad. At least I know that the last five years of her life, she wasn't alone. She had company every day. For a while, she laughed and enjoyed life in Florida. She even once said, “Why did I wait so long?” While it still saddens me to not have her with me, I will always cherish the time we had together. In my heart, I know she did too.