- Who are you when no one's looking? Find the answer and we'll come back to our conversation, - I was told long time ago. As we know, everything takes place for a reason. Let me take you to the journey of a mindset change. Initially I associated the term quarantine with fear, hesitancy and negativity. In case of following this path, it could lead to the lowest point of life. And as it happened to be true, quarantine became part of our life in a pretty unexpected way. Want it or not, but it makes an impact. In my case the impact was life-changing. Yet, don't rush with assumptions. After spending a while isolated, a quite unanticipated thought crossed my mind. It made me realize that there's a meeting I've been postponing for so long. This is the worst time to make it happen, so I'll go for it :) Despite the rules of staying at home during this dangerous period of quarantine I felt that it could no longer be on hold. The person I wanted to meet was the one who asked me the key question. Even though I didn't have the answer by that time, I knew I'd be welcomed anyway. Honestly, I wasn't ready mentally. The time was inappropriate. I didn't reach to the point when I could feel comfortable with that person. Is this feeling of insecurity familiar to you? When the person knows the REAL you. However, I dared to take my chance, cause especially this period turned the inner calmness into priority. We met. It was a long conversation filled with gloominess, uncertainty, frustration, patience, simplicity, joy, tranquility. Quarantine has this unique effect of forcing us to face our deepest fears, memories, thoughts. I mean the hidden ones. The ones we weren't able to notice before, because of our previous “busy” lifestyle. We all have multiple identities, simply said – versions of ourselves. Some are “proven” by society; therefore those are the ones we show to the rest of the world. Our family, friends, basically everyone recognizes us as THAT kind of person. Still there's one left. A real version remains undetected. The one we try to hide so determinedly. Probably, my initial assumption wasn't precise. Particularly when I claimed that the timing of this meeting wasn't the best one. Apparently, society's isolation set the true identity of mine free for a while. That was the moment when 2 puzzles combined. Eventually the fulfillment I felt afterwards made me realize that our inner peace and needed mental balance is held by facing The Person – the only version of ourselves shown only when no one is looking.

All over the world, the journey of a woman's life is predetermined by the patriarchal society we live in – it's not an opinion, but a fact. This restricted and claustrophobic journey is sadly amplified for those girls who are born in regular, unassuming and conventional families in developing countries like India. Although I was not born to conservative parents, their parents were very traditional. So, when I was born, a second daughter, my mother was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse from both of my grandparents. Not a great thing to learn when growing up, however, it does explain why I was never as close to my grandparents as my older sister and younger brother were. I don't know how this affected my subconscious?! Perhaps, me being fiercely independent from a very young age and a bit of a rebel would be a measured behavioural outcome of the knowledge that I had of how (un)loved and (un)wanted I was by my grandparents! Anyhow, getting to the crux of the story, I have always lived my life on my terms “unapologetically”, but never used this term till it was made trendy by millennials. I worked from the age of 16, got my Bachelor's degree, left my country to pursue my Masters (1000s miles away from my home) in pursuit of freedom and independence when a lot of my peers were getting married. I got a job, lived on my own, fell in love and married to a “gora / gringo” (it wasn't a done thing at the time in my home country). All of these things were challenges in their own right, but I was never phased by them. Also, I love a good challenge, a classic trait of a rebel! I must add here, my parents and siblings always supported me at the end and stood by my decisions and even, celebrated them with me. As a child, I always dreamt of travelling the world, and I got to do that a lot with my loving partner-in-crime, my husband. However, as expected from a woman, once you're married with a job and a house, the prospect of producing an offspring was lingering over my head. Now, this expectation, isn't just limited to females from certain conventional families, it's an expectation from females, full stop. Apparently, a desire to procreate should come naturally to women…only I didn't feel that way. It took me weeks to gather courage to tell my husband that I didn't feel the need to leave a legacy behind – a child. I wasn't worried about telling him that I didn't want to use my female reproduction super powers (we share an open and transparent relationship), but what worried me was, what if he felt differently – could I bear to lose my best friend? We went to our favourite Italian restaurant and after a few glasses of wine (of course) I told him that I didn't want to be a parent, but, instead, I wanted to see the world with him! He listened to me patiently and, he replied, to my surprise, that he shared the same feelings, but didn't know how to say it. Well, needless to say I was greatly relieved! However, soon after I felt relieved, the thought of telling our parents about our decision took over and that, seemed like a huge mountain to climb. Remember, I said expectations! It's not “normal” for people to decide not to procreate – human instinct and all that. It was easy for me to tell my mother, as I tell her pretty much everything, but to tell my in-laws of our decision was very daunting. My mother took the news beautifully, as always, she supported my decision and said “as long as you both are happy, that's all it matters”. Eventually, we told our in-laws and although, it was far from easy, and it took them some time to come around our decision, they accepted it. The declaration of our decision to not procreate and overburden the planet which is already brimming with children, didn't limit to our family and friends, it's something we have to do on a regular basis by answering questions, “so, do you have children / when are you planning to have a little one / when are you going to start a family?”, to extended relatives, friends' families, neighbours, my hairdresser, my local café owner, strangers…the list is endless. I have been tempted at times to say “we've tried but to no avail” – you see, you get sympathy to that response, but not when you say you've chosen not to have a child – you get judged for it and are even called “selfish”. So, here are the questions I contemplate – why is it “normal” to want to have kids and not acceptable to choose not to? Also, why do we have to conform to the society and live our lives dictated by it? My husband and I chose, NOT to conform – we couldn't be happier and are living fulfilled lives. Years ago, I came across a very powerful saying that I always go back to when I am feeling lost and unsure - “If Not Now, When? If Not Me, Who?” I keep reminding myself not to worry about what others think and I continue to make life choices that I feel are right for me and I do that unapologetically.

Life is a choice, whether you intend to be beneficial or not. Having the potential to make the world a better place doesn't make you a better person, but your choice does. Many people want a beautiful world but less do the actions to create one. To serve in making the world a better place is my choice. I've found the authentic value of life and happiness in helping others and I believe, the humanity will never embrace the ultimate harmony if we keep on glorifying words over actions. One should start and empower others. One should take a small step then move forward to the big one. This is the story of my experience in moving to 'the big step' of my life! It all began when I was in freshman year of college. I joined my first charity activity in freshman year and at that point, I realized that actually I can do little things that might create some changes. Growing up in the center of metropolitan city, Tangerang, made me witness a huge distortion and undesirable truth of people's low education and life quality in my hometown, Pontianak, once I moved back there. Henceforth, I dedicate myself to some volunteering activities, concerning in education, which consequently create my awareness of the problems and potential in the community. Language is bound with culture. Indonesia, as a country full of diversities, has approximately 724 languages and most of the people, especially in rural area, growing up speaking their local language before learning Indonesian Language . Hence, to people in rural area, having skill to be able to communicate in English is quite difficult to achieve while on the other hand English is really useful to broaden the horizon. I was thoroughly disappointed knowing there is no club for students in my university to develop English with their peers. Their willingness to learn English is slowly vanished. The problem prevailing in my university acted as a stumbling block for youths to grow and create progress which subsequently led me to create a difference.I've dedicated myself to teach English voluntarily and it's a great pleasure for me but I know this small step I took is narrow and never sufficient. Therefore, I and my friends from Joint Untan Organization developed an idea to create Tanjungpura University Model United Nations (MUN) Club so the students can improve their English and sharpen their critical thinking towards international issues at once. We managed to create this club from zero. We acted dauntlessly by joining the biggest MUN Conference in Indonesia, iMUN, which made us sacrifice a lot of effort since our university didn't give much financial support. We did fund risingall by ourselves and I even took a part time job. The reasons why I wanted to join iMUN conference, because I realize I'd gain a lot of knowledge and exeperience gained from the best national MUN Conference, know precisely how MUN works and build relations with other participants so they can share their experience and support the new Untan MUN Club. Our goals were successfully achieved! A month after iMUN we opened Untan MUN Club enrollment, our friends from iMUN Conference help to promote Untan MUN Club through instagram so we get recognized by other MUN Clubs. I was chosen as the (Secretary-General) and we've managed the weekly meeting and daily discussion in our Untan MUN Club online group. I've accomplished the little step to make betterment. From my experience in developing MUN Club, I've learnt that I'm a person who can develop new ideas, do tremendous effort for myself and others, able to bring back the experience and apply it to my community immediately. Serving needs a graceful heart and soul. We can serve people even through simple things like smiling however, we'll serve better if we do it with heart and high self-quality because our actions will subsequently affect others' future. Teaching English and Buliding the MUN Club in my University were some smalls step that I took to help making this world better, at least in the community around me. I never thought those things would help making the biggest change in my life that I've exeprienced so far.Those small steps led me to become a grantee of one of the most prestigious fully funded exchange scholarship, UGRAD Exchange Program, that enabled me to spend one semester in the US. It was one of the things in my bucket list that I thought I'd never achieve. It was a big step that I took which not only changed my life but also people around me. For my experience wouldn't be mine solely. Zoroaster was right "Doing good to others is not a duty, is a joy, for it increases our own health and happiness."