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She needs to trust me. I'm telling the truth. “Wait!” I shout, as I follow my friend -well, we were friends 1 minute ago- who barged out the door. She continues to ignore me, acting as if i'm not desperately trying to get her attention so we can sort things out. I walk faster in the school halls, letting my feet go after her. She needs to understand that I wasn't lying. Everything I told her was and still is true. Besides, she just finished telling me 2 minutes ago how much she hates the other girl, and now she believes her and not me? I take another big step forward and grab her shoulder, trying to stop her from walking away from the problem. She wrenches her arm away from me. “I didn't lie,” I tell her, my hands fumbling with my lunchbox but my eyes searching her face. “I wouldn't do that.” “I don't believe you, I believe her,” my friend says. I'm getting the hint that we aren't friends anymore. It's messed up how just a few minutes ago, we were. “You have to understand that I wouldn't lie about that and especially not to you,” I say quickly, rushing what I have to say so she doesn't decide to simply leave. “She would confess if she did talk bad about me like you said,” she responds, her fierce eyes piercing into mine. “But I never said she was talking bad about you. I said I heard her talking with the other girl and that she always talks about you.” I look behind me to make sure no one else can overhear our conversation. “You don't have to believe me if you want but i'm telling the truth-” “I can tell when she's lying. And she wasn't,” she says, hatred and envy clear in her voice. I want to tell her that she's making a mistake. I want her to know that I would never lie to her. I care about her like good friends are supposed to. I want to go back to how our friendship was less than 5 minutes ago. But I can't. But why doesn't she trust me? Before I get the chance to say something, she speaks up. “I'm leaving.” Her tone is plain, dry and dismissive. I stutter, all alone, as I watch her walk away from me, not even bothering to say goodbye. Yesterday she texted me and wrote that she loves me, in the way that friends do, of course. I wonder if she feels the same way I do when we text, smiling nonstop, overwhelmed with joy that she actually cares about me, And filled with warmth as I fully realize that we are truly good friends. Now today, I feel the total opposite of that. I feel empty and cold inside, sad yet angry at the same time, trying to figure out who's fault this is. I sigh, forcing myself to hold back my tears. I shift my mood and head to the other room, acting as if everything is normal and I didn't just lose someone I deeply care about. When I arrive home, I decide to text her, careful of my choice of words: “Hey u don't have to believe me but I hope yk that I was telling the truth. I wouldn't ever lie to u, cuz I actually care. I'm always here whenever u want to talk tho. Bye and see u tmr ig” Holding my breath, I rethink whether it was worth sending that. I know her well enough that whenever she's angry at someone, nothing good is going their way. I want to unsend it, the rush of uncertainty I'm getting is too much. What if she's laughing at my text right now, showing everyone and thinking of how much of a pathetic fool i'm acting like now? It's too late to go back though. Days, weeks even, pass by and still, no reply. I know for sure, she saw the text but I try to make myself believe that maybe she didn't see it. Maybe she forgot to answer back., or she's sleeping, or her phone died? It's becoming less and less likely though, as time goes by. I'm still holding on tightly to the thread of hope that we can become friends again. But it seems to me as if she doesn't care the slightest and has already moved on, as I watch her sit with a girl she once told me she hates with all her soul. I feel as though she needs me more than she thinks and she'll soon realize. But once again, I find myself questioning if it's really the other way around. Frequently, the good and precious memories we have made together, flood my head. I wonder how she's feeling right now, about all of this between her and I. Us hugging, texting, talking, laughing until our stomachs hurt. I wonder if it will ever be like that again, and if it could, will she let it, will she give our friendship another chance? It's her choice since I know very well that I'd run straight back to her the moment she allows it. It's always on and off with everyone i've ever met, I wonder when it will just stay on. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. I wonder when she'll come back to me, back in my life and we can be friends again, true friends since I never seem to be able to find or keep those. But for now, during our time apart that I'm not quite sure how long it will last or if it will ever even end... She needs to trust me. I'm telling the truth.

I can't remember What's going on the ground? Anywhere I turn around, Real lies, in abound Real lies, all around With this agony, This pain in my brain I am leading nowhere, in a vain Where miseries only rain Enraged to be in this maze As I grow and I age With a bed Where lies are only fed Hoping that The world will soon turn around As I look for the truth in abound Where Lies will no longer be fed But will fade Where Miseries will no longer rain But will be drained

Ingrate that you are Unbeknownst to your ass I dont care anymore

Heartbreaks are just awful in general but my first heartbreak was where I lost everyone I loved. This heartbreak would teach me that even my own family will be the cause of my first and worst heartbreak. They would be the ones that I needed to be protected from. I was a bit naive and never dealt with anyone lying to me. At 16 years old, I lost my family which consists of my 4 girl cousins , my best friend Jenna , and my boyfriend Jose. My cousin Denise, who started doing drugs at the time, thought that she could blame it all on me. I heard she said things like I bossed her around and made her do all these horrible things like stealing cars, stealing money and I made her sneak out of the house all the time. I couldn't believe what was going on because first off I had no idea what the drug was at that point and I didn't even know she was doing drugs. But it would explain the pure evil I saw in her eyes. She couldn't stop lying and honestly I think after a while she believed her own lies.She kept the lies going with not even caring what this was doing to our family and most of all to me. My other 3 cousins never came and questioned me about it and just chose to forget me. With so many lies and gossip pointing the blame in my direction, they just assumed and believed her. They altogether stopped any contact with me for years. I'm talking about my group of girl cousins who I grew up with. They were there for every birthday, every holiday, every summer, and every weekend to hang out and have sleepovers. SInce we were babies, we have always been inseparable. Their parents stopped any contact with my parents. I was not expecting my cousin to ever do this to me. Next in line, I lost my best friend Jenna who went to school with me. My cousin met her through me and got her doing drugs as well. Once again my cousin and Jenna blamed everything on me so they could still hang out and get high together. In front of our parents, they told everyone that it was me with the drug problem. I broke down begging Jenna to come out with the truth. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even talk. I just remember looking at both these girls who I loved more than anything and saw they didn't even care. They showed no emotion whatsoever as I poured my heart out to them. I was even apologizing for their own mistakes. I was trying to crack one of them but they let me leave Jenna's house that night so heartbroken. I was just devastated. Luckily my parents at least believed me, but I still felt so defeated. Last person I lost was my boyfriend which was my first boyfriend that I ever loved and lost my virginity to. We had been going out for about 8 or 9 months and he broke up with me at the same time this whole drama thing is going on with my cousin and Jenna. I find out months later that he was sleeping with my cousin and doing drugs with her while we were still together. My cousin destroyed my life overnight and I knew I was never gonna be the same. After that, I didn't leave my bedroom and I stayed in bed. I felt pathetic and just worthless. It changed my whole personality and changed my whole life. I turned to drugs months later and I really didn't care what was being said after that. I was already known for being a drug addict. I was not responsible enough to make a good decision on how to deal with the pain. I only blame myself for that though. The pain wasn't my fault. That was out of my control. But the struggle was what I am to blame for. I let so many people affect me. I let them all hold the power to my happiness which wasn't healthy. I think it's safe to say I loved them too much. I learned that forgiving those who never apologized or even acknowledged what they did to me is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It's been 17 years since this happened and I should be over it right? With this being my family that did this to me , I still see them on holidays and sometimes for birthdays. We act as if nothing had ever happened. I just know if we were to talk about it, the conversation will never gonna go the way I want it to go. I have to keep it bottled in and act like I don't think about it everyday. My cousin is sober now and actually did 5 or 6 years in prison. She has still, to this day, never admitted anything to me about anything. I feel like she totally took advantage of who I was. She knew I wasn't gonna snitch on her and she knew I wouldn't bring anything up and confront her about it. She played her game with all her lies and she knew I loved her so much that I wouldn't blow her cover. Maybe it's my fault I didn't object but my words meant nothing to anyone. You want to know the worst thing about pain? It's only yours. People won't understand your pain. Even the ones that have caused it may not even realize it. Other people will tell you to get over it and tell you to just move on. My cousin may be able to forget what she did to me but I will never be able to forget. More than anything, I wish I could.

Oh my gosh! I am almost there! I have just chosen the cover for my book Viktor which is estimated to be out sometime in the summer of 2020. Time is flying by or have you not noticed?? LOL It is so great to be publishing. I have waited forty years to do this and I am ever so excited. My fantasy fiction novel is about a young vampire who has fallen in love. He desires a normal life and wife and kids and the whole nine yards. He is moral and loving; but, he must fight for all that is good. He is loved by many and wanted by all. In his fight for his life he must save himself and everyone else for if he doesn't; all will fall into hell. I'm proud to say so far that Friesen Press is helping me to Self publish this book. I am so excited and thrilled to be able to see my work in a real book. This is amazing to me and something everyone should try and do. This past summer I retrieved myself another Chi. She is adorable and her name is D'aff N'aia. She compliments my Bonzo quite nicely. Quite the little monkey she is; I might add, yet her lovely demeanor is very loving. Right now she is teething and biting my hands up to shreds. She loves my knuckles and has taken a liking to chomping on them at any chance she gets. She cries whenever she can't see you and has dug up the dirt in my plants. I love that she airrates; but the mess!!!LOL puppies! She's also discovered she likes coffee! Yes, when she kisses me she can taste it on my lips. She is very smart and has come to using her paws to pull my lips apart and get in a few laps. Her nails are so sharp when she paws you, that you cannot help but open your mouth! You're laughing too hard not too and she just jumps in there and starts lapping up the remnants! I swear she's too smart for her own good! Well, she's not getting any more than that! She's definitely hyper already without coffee in the mix! Honestly, she is too cute! Well, at some point this winter I must carry on with "In the Garden of Life". It has been waiting for me. Doing the re-writes for Viktor has taken me away from writing it; but now, I have the time to dedicate to this children's novel about two bees in the garden. I'm trying to make it a magical story and yet I'm not polished at all on magic! Time to study!! Honestly, I haven't a clue how this story will turn out and yet I am excited to write it. Time will tell! Looking forward to hearing from you, Best Regards, Jules

It started with just misplacing things. At first it was common forgettable things like my writing materials, so I just concluded that maybe I'd been more careless than usual recently. I'd leave my water bottle in class and come back to meet it empty - but that could be excused as my own miscalculation, or I'd think maybe it fell and someone had helped me pick it up. But when I'd keep money in my bag and come back and not meet it there, it became obvious that I was getting stolen from. And no, stealing wasn't a common occurrence at all in our school. I'd see girls leave valuables out carelessly and come back to meet them untouched, so I knew that for whatever reason, I was being targeted. It was the day I lost a significant amount of money I couldn't do without that I finally reported to our class mistress. I really don't know what I was expecting - maybe I thought she'd somehow magically discover who stole it and make them pay me back, but instead she punished the whole class and made them all contribute to pay me. Maybe if there was actually anyone in the class then that liked me, that was when they started to hate me. I could understand their pain, and I had tried to talk our teacher out of it as much as I could, but there was really nothing else I could do. But my classmates didn't care. If their hostility towards me had been in any way veiled before, it was very obvious now. Snide remarks were thrown my way, and more than once a foot was stuck out to trip me (I never fell though - possibly the only advantage of only looking at the ground while I walked). My first and only violent encounter with bullies in my class happened a few days later. Class was going on in the labs, so I just stayed in the classroom instead. A few other girls were skipping in class too, but this was a normal thing do, so I just ignored them as usual and started drawing something in the big notebook I had for drawing in. After a while though, one of the girls just came up to me and kicked me. Out of nowhere, and for no reason. She kicked my leg, and it hurt, so I said, "don't do that". Then she repeated exactly what I said in a mocking voice, and then said, "Oh, so you can talk?" Which isn't really surprisingly because I rarely did talk. By this time her friends were also surrounding me, and one of them kicked me too. I don't remember exactly what I was trying to do, but I kind of grabbed the girl's leg and grief to hold it away from me. She just kicked it off, then a third girl slapped me and grabbed my book. It went flying towards the front of the class, and at that point I just put my head down on my desk and started to cry. They left me alone then. I stayed still where I was, crying and ignoring their laughter, till our classmates started returning and I raised my tear-stained face to ask a random girl to get my book for me. She did. I don't remember who the girl was, but I will forever be thankful for her. I still don't know what actually hurt me more, the two kicks (they actually left bruises on my legs that I had to lie to my parents about) or my drawing book. I loved drawing so much then, and my book was damaged in the fall. The stick of cardboard holding the pages together had come almost all the way off, and I'd look like a fool if I carried it around. Plus it held bad memories for me. This was the time I basically just lost interest in drawing at all. The next term took a while in coming, because of some complications the school management was dealing with, and during that extra holiday season, I was diagnosed with depression (no surprise there). Anyways, I don't know whether I thought that depression would make me more acceptable in my classmates' eyes, or if I thought it would make them pity me and stop making my life harder. Or maybe I just thought it was a cool thing and was seeking attention, but I felt the need to make sure the class knew that I had depression. So I did a stupid thing - I told the one girl that couldn't keep a secret to save her life. Her name was Sandra or so, and she was a notorious gossip. If course, within days, everyone had heard about it. That's how my final year of school officially became the worst year of my life. Instead of the pity or love I expected, I became even more of an outcast then I already was. People would refer to be as things like "hey! Depressed girl" and so on. They found it funny to write the most horrible things on my desk, and whenever I raised my hand to answer a question in class you'd always hear a random person shout, "Don't pick her, she's depressed!" and then people would laugh. I just stopped raising my hand. I'm 16 now, and thankfully done with school. Someday, when I'm in a good place in life, mentally and financially, I hope to start one of my own. A school where the no bullying policy actually means something, where mental health education is compulsory, and where students are happy and free to be themselves.