2020. A global pandemic. Time alone. I'm 16 and trapped in my own home like a rat in a cage. My only company are two adults I have nothing in common with, two slobbering dogs who only love me for the food I give them each night, and a violent mixture of thoughts and internet access. At the time I already knew I wasn't exactly who everyone told me I was. I wasn't the only student who cared enough about my grades, but I was the only one who didn't, I just happened to be able to pay attention in class. I wasn't the kind of person who would never harm a fly, but I was so close to the edge of insanity that I knew I wouldn't feel anything if I hurt someone, only refusing to give into the urge for violence due to the understanding of consequence. I wasn't a girl. I wasn't a girl, but I didn't feel like a boy either. At the time I didn't understand that there were more options than just girl or boy, so not feeling enough like a boy to call myself one, I decided to keep the label of girl I hated that everyone decided to slap onto my back. Then... I was alone... alone with dogs who could not talk and parents who I'd rather not talk to at all... and a violent mix of my own thoughts and the internet. The internet is a large place, and one day I stumbled upon an idea within this vast landscape called the internet. That idea was about the illusion of gender. That idea was the thought of the non-binary gender identity. To not identify as either male or female. For the first time in my life, I looked at a definition of a gender and was able to say, “oh... that's me.” I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin before. In fact I feel like a skeleton, for skin is the most neurologically sensitive organ in the human body, the part of the body that feels the most pain, so to feel so comfortable means I must not have any skin at all. However... people are always going to be afraid of skeletons. Hearing the words “that's me.” echo through my brain not only filled me with comfort and euphoria, but also with an undeniably disgusting and distinguished fear. “People are going to try to kill me now.” Is a good way of wording that fear. This thought that people want me dead now constantly eats my mind. I'm a kid. I shouldn't be afraid of dying simply because I prefer one word to another when people address me. I shouldn't be, and yet here I am. I'm afraid of children just like me, children from my very same school. I'm afraid of them because they throw around queer slurs like nothing is wrong, and equate queerness to weakness. That is the same thing as a white man saying a racial slur. I know they are only children like me, but if they think that behavior is okay then so do their parents, and if their parents think it's okay then they will give their children the tools to harm people like me. I'm afraid of children. It's as though I traded my safety for the idea of comfortability, like I sold a 24k gold watch for a dime. It's strange how much I value this dime though, a dime of comfortability. I guess if you've been running your whole life and suddenly realized you can walk instead, you would be more content walking away from danger instead of sprinting. I do say though that I'm happy with that exchange though. I'm not happy because it's a good exchange, I would have loved to never know I existed, ignorance is bliss after all. The reason I'm happy though is because there is a much worse exchange that could have happened. A worse exchange? Well of course, I was practically alone when I didn't want to speak to my parentals and couldn't speak the languages of dogs. I was alone, with nothing by a violent mixture of my thoughts and the internet. I was sad. I was depressed. I was alone with a violent mixture of thoughts and internet. So I am happy that this was the horrible exchange I was given during a global pandemic. I truly am. I am non-binary.
Coming out is hard no matter what situation you're in. Believe it or not, the coming out to your family or friends is not the hardest part either. The hardest part is recognizing your sexuality on your own. Coming to terms with it is different for everyone. For someone like me, who was raised in a Christian home, it's hard to realize that you are not broken. You are not damaged and you are not a sin. For someone like my best friend who was raised in an accepting family, it was difficult for her to accept herself due to society and outside pressure. Either way, it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. The main things you need to remember are as followed 1. Stay positive. Remember that there is someone in your life who will love and accept you no matter what. 2. Don't Rush It. Don't attempt to tell yourself one thing or another about yourself because you will end up hurting yourself in the long run. Patience is key. 3. Talk to someone in the community. Something that helped me was finding someone in the community that I trusted and talking to them about what I was feeling and thinking. They can't tell you exactly what to do, but they can be there for support. 4. Experiment. You could go through a stage in your life when you think you might be a part of the community, and its okay if your not. Finding out what you like and who you are is a part of life. 5. LOVE YOURSELF! This is the most important one. You cant look for love and acceptance from others if you don't love and accept yourself. This took me years to figure out and I'm still struggling with this one. Don't get frustrated if it doesn't happen right away. When you do come to terms with yourself, it feels like its time to come out right away. It's not! If you are content with staying in the closet, then go for it. When you are prepared and do feel ready then here are my best tips for that. 1. Put out some feelers. Start bringing up the LGBTQ community in your conversations with your family/friends and see how they react. If their reaction is good, then you can kind of figure out who you should come out to first. 2. Tell your closest friend/family member. The first people I told were my older sister and best friend. They were super supportive and loving. 3. Come up with a game plan for the rest of the important people of your life. Have a plan, a backup plan, and a plan for if things go terribly wrong. 4. TELL THE WORLD! When you feel that you are very ready and prepared to tell the world, go out there and tell them. It can be the best feeling in the universe. One thing that is always a problem for LGBTQ youth is the fear of getting kicked out. Speaking from personal experience, there are ways to get through it. Even though it seems like the end of the world, I knew that I would get through it. The most important thing to do if you are worried about this is come up with a game plan. Some basic steps to that are to follow 1. Talk to a close friend or family member about being able to go to their house in case of an emergency. 2. Have a bag ready. I know it sucks that you have to have a to go bag ready but when a bad situation arises packing can be hard. 3. Leave as soon as possible. If you get kicked out and you attempt to stay, it could cause your mental state to deteriorate. It sucks that you have to leave but it could save you a lot of pain. Don't worry straight people, I haven't forgotten about you. This guide doesn't exactly pertain to you, but there are some ways you can help your friends who are struggling with their identities. Here are the things that my friends did to help me. 1. Even though you don't understand what they are going through, be there for them to talk to. My friends asked me how I was every day and made sure that I was okay. 2. Let them know that you love them and support them. I don't think there was a single day where my friends didn't tell me they loved me when I was in the process of coming out. 3. Don't let their sexuality change your view of them. I know its hard when your friend comes out to you because its like there is a whole new side of your friend that you've never seen, but its still them. They are still the same friend who you met years ago, they just like the same sex now. 4. Please please please never ask if they are into you/ if you're their type. They don't want to make things awkward and that question makes everything awkward. So, now that I've told you everything that helped me in my journey to coming out, I hope I have inspired you to do some soul searching and figure out who you are. Just remember, it is different for everyone and your journey is unique and special. I love each and every one of you.