I hate him !! I hate him with every fibre of my being. How could he do this to me ?? Wasn't I enough ?? I have been perfect all my life for him, I have acted properly as is expected of me as a respectable lady, I have toiled beside him and given him my all. Why ?? Where did I go wrong ?? How could he take out my heart and crush it with his bare hands without remorse ?? I curse the universe for denying me the one thing that matters the most to me. Why make me perfect and take away the gift of life from me ?? Why adorn me with beauty and make me hollow inside ?? I heard the cry !! Oh God !! That was the purest thing I have ever heard in my life and my heart squeezed so tightly in my chest that I felt like the cold hands of death had taken over. He couldn't give me the one thing that would make me whole, he gave up on me, and he chose her over me !! My rage is boiling over and my mind is made up. I will make him pay with his life, I will watch the light go out of his eyes and the smile fade from his lips. I will watch him struggle to breathe and claw at the earth helplessly knowing fully well I will be the last one to see him alive. I step towards the mirror and I barely recognize the woman I see there. Her eyes are cold, her lips thin, her face pale but alive with hate and a venom so palpably she looks downright evil. I stopped being the loving Irene the day I found out that Luke is a swine and a cheat. I smile as the carefully laid plan unfolds before my eyes, I can't wait to be done with the biggest threats to the one thing I want the most. Its going to be their punishment for stepping all over my heart and casting me aside like thrash. I am going to raise her as mine and care for her with a passion that would overwhelm her. The universe didn't give me what I asked for, so am taking it my way. They both die and the baby is mine. Am smiling as I imagine the feel of Violet - that's what I will call her - pressed softly against me, suckling my thumb as I rock her to sleep. She is mine forever. The clock chimes eleven pm and I know the time has come to complete my mission. I take one last look in the mirror assuring myself that victory is already mine. I step out the door and disappear into the night. Writer: Miss J

Many times I kept thinking about the concept of loving myself but it was really blurry to understand. Years later, finally I understood the idea of self-love which I practice this step by step in daily life. Everything started way back when I had no idea of myself. When I entered high school to be exactly; I had everything. Starting from confidence, beauty, good personality, good status, everything okay. Like every teenager I was excited to make friends and I did, I make many friends, but I was not pretty aware that people could hate me. In the middle of the school year everything started to stumble inside myself and in my environment because of my friends. They were spreading lies about me, things like “She is ugly, she is a bad person, she is childish, she is rude, she is a rich girl” and many more. Hearing these things from people I thought they were friends hurt me and this is why I lie myself thinking it was not true. I kept lying me even do I heard those comments from their own mouths but still kept good relationship. My parents advise me that a lot of people would envy me and they would say things to hurt me but I could not believe it so I ignored them. I started to worry a lot, trying to change things that they did not like about me, trying to be the person they wanted me to become and shut their mouths but every time I did something was wrong. I faked who I was, I hide all my feelings pretending I was always strong and I lost my self-love and confidence but I still was looking for somebody that could see the light in me. I met somebody “especial”. At the beginning he was nice and understandable, I liked him because of it. I gave him everything and said to myself “he is helping me to connect to myself” but time passed and I realize that he was lying, he was seeing me as a trophy because for my features. I confirmed this when we were talking on the phone and he suddenly called me FAT so I asked him to say it again but he denied, he try to avoid the conversation so I follow but I could not recover from that in months, I did not eat, I exercise a lot but I was still me the “fat girl”. All my problems were building a mountain in my mind, it was heavy to carry. My friends hated my personality, my boyfriend hated me physically. Everything that made me strong once now was gone. Adding to those situations I hated myself for not been enough for them. Years passed that I felt there was no way of escaping from that maze. The idea of loving me did not appear in my mind during this unpleasant times but I wanted to go back to my old-self so desperately because of the many tears that escaped from my eyes because of them. The questions that seemed to stop me from doing worst things were Who Am I? Are They Going to Like Me Someday? Is This Person Still Me? After two years of feeling miserable and exclude everything changed so suddenly, I realize that letting everybody take advantage of me was making me weaker. I propose myself to change, for my own benefit. The changes were troublesome to make but everything led to the person I am today. These changes were: 1.- Knowing and being myself.- Been able to know myself led to not underestimate me in front of others or lower my confidence about who I was. This was hard to achieve. Every time I did not know something about myself, I asked a question and with this I got to know me a little more and I was determined to not let anyone change my essence. In this part of my life is where I still lack of knowledge about who I am but I still have time to find me. 2.- Family.- Through a lot of stages since I was a kid to what I am know they were by my side even do I kept a distance from them in my young years. Now I am sure there is no better place to run when I feel weak or stressed or I need to be lifted emotionally. 3.- Finding Self-Love.- It may sound weird but it was a song that made me realize that staying true to myself was not enough and I had to practice loving myself. “Epiphany” by Jin was the one song and it said something tremendously true for my young self “I was the one I should love in this world”. As soon as I learned what it meant I practiced this in daily life which kept me from change who I was from time to time. I learned to give love to myself because I deserve it. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes in my short life. But that is me. Tomorrow, I will be a little wiser than yesterday and I would understand better the idea of loving me that do not depends on nobody else, but that is still me. Now I realize that my bad decisions are my most important lessons, that formed the person that I am now, that I should be proud of me. Because I have to love the old me and the new that evolve within me. Like most people I lacked self-love. I still have a lot of stumbles in my journey, and I have many more fears, but I'm going to hug myself as hard as I can and will continue to love myself progressively, eventually. Slowly.

There is really no easy way to put how I feel into words.. but I wish I could take away all memory of you in my life.. I fell so in love with you that idk how to live a normal life or go a normal day without you on my mind so heavily. Your on my mind 24/7 and I fucking hate it. I'm so in love with you and everyday I wish you were in love w me back bc ur the only thing I've ever wanted or need. Everyday I lay here and ask myself so many questions that I will never have the answer to., I cry in the shower bc I don't want ppl to know that I'm so broken. I smoke weed bc I don't know what to do when I'm not. Bc my minds always on YOU. and when my phone lights up and it's not you my heart sinks into my chest. And when it goes days like that the feelings of not having you completely take over and then one day u might text me and I'm so filled with joy even when it's just a “wyd” or “nm”. idk why I'm so in love with u and I wish u could tell me what I need to do to forget you just the way u forgot me. Because no matter what I try and do nothing ever takes my thoughts off the fact that everything we once had is all gone and now I'm just another girl to you....when ur my entire world.... 😭... a lot of ppl tell me I'm dumb for loving you this much... but I think there dumb bc they don't see how amazing you are.. I think there dumb bc how could they not be in love with you the way I am??? how can they sit there and say things about you and have no feelings what so ever. when ur the greatest thing that had ever happened to me...why am I the one that has to feel this way... 😭. I'm doing everything to get over you but I can't bc I'm stuck on the things we would plan out and I'm stuck on the fact that “I love you” actually means somthing.. even tho no matter how many times u would say it...it never meant anything more to you than just a few words.. but to me they were worth more than anything on this plant... I bet whoever ur Inlove with sees everything in you that I did. Bc damn...ur such a wonderful person.. and I hope she loves you almost as much as I do bc u deserve it so much. U made me the happiest I've ever been and you deserve the world and I hope she can give u it..goodbye I'm sorry 😭

I once was a wild fetus. ( 'Cant Stop, Wont Stop' by Miley Cyrus begins to theme in the background) For all of my fluttering, my mother thought that maybe, just maybe, I was a soon to be rambunctious baby- boy. While I'm not entirely sure where this pregnant presumption originated, my hyper-active mini-convulsions quickly evolved into brunt kicks to Mom's stomach and then -plot twist- on to the (literal) bouncing of being a baby -girl. As far as my parents were concerned, I was the world's most active infant. I wriggled when held, flapping my useless little arms and twisting my limp legs as a dedicated declaration of defiance; an omen, much to their chagrin, of what was inevitable in the years to come. Even during the Nirvana of the non-religious, the sliver of peace given to common man, I howled and writhed my tiny wrists in angst, my nearly microscopic veins rushing with all manner of disrespect for the entirety of what is good in this world. If sleep was disgraced, nothing could be redeemed as sacred. We were truly past the point of no return. I think if my parents hadn't birthed a nearly perfect angel of a child ten years prior, the shock of her antithesis of a sibling would not have been so great. But there I was, clearly content to channel all the fiery powers of hell through my small body even in light of her heavenly demeanor. Beth was her name. Ironically, Beth had prayed for my existence for quite some time. I'm sure with this in mind my parents spent many a puffy eyed and sleepless night questioning the powers that be as to what they had done to deserve such a 'blessing'. One day, Beth was left home with said blessing. Having requested me into this mortal world, she had more than expected grace for me at the time. But while spending the day together, my exhaustingly hyperactive tendencies fully lent themselves and began to slowly but surely whittle her away. So with all the love in her tired ten year old body, she lowered me into my baby bouncer and walked away -I'm sure for what was to gather back some semblance of her once present sanity. Error. Terrible error. She came back and, what? I was on the floor? Being STILL?? It was clear that in her stupor she forgot to strap me in and well, a baby bouncer, much like its name implies, bounces back and forth. But so did I. Vigorously. Relentlessly, even. And so it was this that enacted the spreading of my scrunchy wings into full flight for a mere moment before flipping seamlessly onto my back and the floor. Ten for Ten from all the judges on my great form. Everything went dark for awhile and when I opened my eyes I was in a strange, shiny place. It turns out that my parents, finding me motionless, silent and peaceful for the first time since my conception, immediately rushed me to the hospital. I mean, the lack of havoc wreaking was cause for concern itself; at this point it was beyond reasonable to assume that I was either dead or in some kind of baby coma. The doctor calmed them down. It turns out that the incident had given them exactly what they wanted because I was actually just sleeping. Restfully. And that was shock enough for an emergency-room run. So yeah. I was a wild fetus once.

My lovely Universe, it is crazy to be writing in this space today. It feels like the start of something new. But I am here to write how my life has changed since I felt your presence. How often you let me know about yourself when a warm and pleasant wind touches my hair reminding me about the moments of enjoyment or when a light sunbeam makes me wake up to start a new day. I always recognize you. You talk to me, and our conversation remains interesting, eternal and emotional. It is time when I am ready to say thanks for all things and situiations I have passed through to become who I am right now. Thank you for a tough adventure of “home” girl. You should remember when I was trying all possible ways to enter one of the prestigious university of Russia. And I had depression, because I saw how my parents were looking forward to my test results, but it was so hopeless. I thought it had been the biggest failure in my life. In fact, the end of my story was move to Almaty, a city that taight love and hate go hand and hand sometimes. I was starving because I did not have enough money to buy some food; I was looking for a job, but every time I found one, the employers would find many reasons not to hire me. I had no idea what I was going to do; I started to give up... But suddenly my sister announced me about my father who was in hospital with emergency. I was shouting and crying as I could not help my family anyhow. Hating everything around, I did not realize how my life would be filled by people, who supported and helped me not to lose faith in the best future. Thank you for American adventure, a time of stepping outside of my comfort zone. America it is another and more fascinating story of my life. If someone had told me, that I would be in America, meet new friends and see Empire State Building, I would have never believed it. Thoughts are material, are not they? I wanted and I did it. It was a tough time when I was searching all ways to find some money for my trip. That is why, I borrowed 1400$ from my parents, friends and other people. But that time I was pretty sure, that everything would be alright. As a result, I heard important words: “ Your visa is approved” and I was ready to begin my new chapter of life. If someone invented a time machine, I would definitely go back to the time when I worked at Hersheypark. I met friends, who could make hookah and sang songs of Kendrick Lamar. As a young girl from small town, I wanted to learn how to enjoy every moment. Standing on the escalator at Penn Station in New York, I was thinking about people who hanker to be in my shoes. I won a great chance to look at huge sizes of skyscrapers and hear many languages of the world. After all challenges I have passed through, I am sure, it is worth it. Thank you, lovely Universe, for feeling of love. Moreover, I experienced of love. How many times did I ask you about my true love, which would help to find all answers to my questions? I told you I would be waiting for my “loved one” as long as it takes. I was silly by thinking about man, who did not appreciate my concern, support and me as a woman. It is sad and happy story about one couple who were looking for each other and thinking that they made a right choices. In many cases, people confuse the feeling of love with the fact that they want to take shelter from loneliness. They think how is great to be with person who loves you just the way you are. However, do we love the same way? I have found the answer: no. I was ready to give everything I had, be with him no matter what happened and love him to the moon and back. When someone asks me, what is love? My answer will be a strong heartbeat, glitter in my eyes and smile on my face. Love is ability to share your privacy, not to be afraid to show own shortcomings, let someone know about your funny and embarrassing stories from life. Since I made the right choice, I have been asking you to make him dissapear from my thoughts. I want to forget everything like a terrible nightmare, but I am way too good at goodbyes. What do you know about another love like a mother who loves her child? I would like to tell about one kid and family, which have played a sagnificant role in my life. Universe, you showed me how much I could love baby as mine. His parents give him everything what he wants. Lucky kid, actually. I taught him how wishes could come true, how belief could become a powerful force to go ahead. After playing Mortal Combat and watching Snapchat filters with him, I wanted for that moment to last forever. If someone asks me about love again, I will advise giving all warmth and care to kids because they have not known about dissapointment and failures yet. I lost one feeling and got another, a better one. And I have no idea what you have already prepared for me, but I am sure you are kind to me. Take care,Universe Your Dreamer.