Loving parents didn't stop me, a good education didn't guide me, and love couldn't hold me. So much for sociology, human wisdom, and earthly nurturing. I was never unkind or unloving and my conscience, being sound and developed, was healthy. Yet, my story bears witness to the frailty of the human condition. Like one who cuts the anchor, raises the sails and throws away the compass and the map, those who worship on the alter of humanism are doomed to the whims of the winds. It was summer and my mother had recently passed away. I had a wonderful wife and though there were struggles there was no reason to feel anything but blessed. I was employed, educated, and surrounded by all sorts of opportunities. The one thing I didn't have was God. I believed there was a God, not a problem there, but believing He could care less what I did there was nevertheless no Godly influence to draw from. Suddenly, I was overtaken by strong feelings of regret over my marriage. Looking back I understand now that those feelings which a man refuses to master will in turn master him. Nevertheless, I wanted freedom, at least my version of it, and so I asked for a divorce. I had been playing fast and loose with drugs, drinking, gambling, and staying out late. Godless and rooted in nothing but self-desire it wasn't long before I began to call good evil and evil good. It seems that pride truly does precede destruction. It's been said that one should be careful what is asked for in case it is received. So it was with me and it was now time to see if I truly wanted what I got. No more mom or wife to worry about, no more worrying about others, and no more guilt. This was true freedom, or so I thought. To make things even easier it seems that God, in His wisdom, had timed the revival of my credit to coincide with this precise moment in time. I took on debt and proceeded to buy “stuff” to further feed my selfish desires. Surely it surprised no one in my family at this point that I ended up finding myself a new girlfriend with similar desires. We partied late, worked a little, partied some more and threw money around without much care for anything. Remember, no more anchor or silly compass and definitely no map. The tragic thing about sailing through life without these things is that the wind still does what the wind will do; and so, a storm is certain to rock the boat eventually. It didn't take long for me to run into my own personal God-ordained storm. Having parted with sanity and completely bereft of morality came the inevitable, I lost control. The money started to dry up as my new girlfriend and I spent ourselves poor. Our desires neither wavered nor slept and we wanted more and more fun and freedom. Drugs, gambling, and late night drinking provided us with the “escape” from our problems. Then it happened, I lost the better of two jobs and the money ran out. As sure as the money ran out so did she, the romance was over. Appreciating poetic justice I can now look back and truly say that I got what I deserved. Now alone, depressed, and broke I was smack in the middle of the storm. No more money for rent and no more roof. My brother, who was my landlord, took me in and rented my former place but still it seemed good for me to refuse chastisement. So, unappreciative of his counsel, I loaded my car with what was left of my “stuff” and left. I spent a couple of years sleeping in the car, selling off what I had left, gambling, working hard, doing drugs, trusting in so-called friends, and dwelling in strange living arrangements with salty characters. I severed my relationship with family and real friends and lived for the moment. I was betrayed, mistreated, used, and unappreciated. I was feeling very defeated and quite useless and was not even present when one of my two brothers passed away from cancer. Freedom, it turns out, is itself not free from consequence. So how does this story end? But God! That is how this story ends. Preached to at work by two kind souls I looked and found and I knocked and it was opened. Wisely following sound counsel I was gripped with the reality that God is real and that his name is Jesus and so I cried out for forgiveness while sitting in my car one night. I believed in Him and He came into me and in the blink of an eye I was forgiven. I felt forgiven and felt blessed and most importantly I was reborn into a whole new creature. Suddenly, every change in me that could produce peace and happiness began to happen. Desires can change but not easily and so we know, those of us saved by the grace of Christ, that we are living breathing miracles to His glory! A roof, a wonderful wife, new desires and tremendous peace is what I now have. I am provided what I need and rejoice in Godly desires: to help others, to be kind, work, preach, love, and seek the fullness of God. The bible is my book of choice and prayer is my delight. His word, His love, His way. And so my friends it is that I am finally Free at Last!

[BUTTERFLY SYMBOLISM: powerful transformation, metamorphosis in ones life or personality; moving through different life cycles; rebirth; elevation from earthly matters, turning into emotional or spiritual] The human experience is tricky. We find ourselves in the worst situations and sometimes the best situations. Sometimes our relatives are our worst enemies. Sometimes our best friends have hidden agendas. Sometimes you meet your soulmate at the age of eight years old and spend the next 50 years with them living happily ever after. Some people never experience any type of trauma. Others experience the death of pets, friends, and family members. It is the way of life yet when the tragedy hits us unexpectedly, we are never prepared for how we feel. I've experienced nearly 22 years of a thunderous life. My journey has not been easy. I know people who have it so easy and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have it that simple. Comparing journeys is not the best idea, but sometimes I look around and wonder what it would be like to have someone else's life. Opportunities fall into their hands. Relationships blossom gracefully. They have the best life with little to no effort. It's quite amazing how we lead such opposing lives. Last year has brought a significant shift in my consciousness. My eyes have been opened to multiple fresh perspectives. I've outgrown nearly everyone in my life (except my beautiful dog, of course). I've seen people's true colors. The blind fold has been ripped off of my naïve eyes. Yet the blindfold was never truly on. I chose to ignore the signs. I chose to ignore the truth. I kept hoping there would be a change in the negativity that surrounded me. It took me years to understand that there was never going to be a positive change in people. The positive change would be me who would choose to leave relationships and situations that hurt me deeply behind. It's quite terrifying to take the step to end friendships and heal from trauma, but if I can do it, anyone can. When I love, I love hard. I'm all in or not in at all. I see the best in people. I see their potential and that causes me to stay in dangerous territory. People pleasing and being an emotional punching bag has turned me into a strong, independent, and even more empathetic being. I am grateful for everyone who has come into my life because they have awakened in me who I want to be. They reminded me of my own true colors. Though there were times when I was the victim, there were also times where I was the one hurting others. Through this mutual pain, I have found the light. All of my mistakes and all of my experiences have led to be this person now, so full of love. Instead of being full of grief, guilt, self-doubt, extremely low self-esteem, depressed, and full of suicidal thoughts, I am now full of self-love, confidence, compassion, and gratitude. A question that frequently pops into my mind is, “How much pain can I possibly handle?” The answer surprises me to this day. The only issue is once you've experienced trauma, you worry that it'll happen again. Once you've healed, there are still scars. The experiences never evaporate as if they never happened. They are deep within our souls. We carry them forever. There are happy moments, of course, but sometimes the pain creeps in through the light. The light is then attracted to the darkness. The issue is, the darkness takes over the light with minimal effort. The real difficult part is remembering the light inside. It takes a lot to balance the darkness and the light. And that is my journey now. The damage is done. The lessons are learned. Now to mend the light and the dark is the next level. To anyone who's reading this that relates to any of my words – you are worthy of the best life you can imagine for yourself. Always stand up for yourself and never back down. Express yourself freely. If there's any negative relationships in your life (even if they're family members) release them. Take the lessons you learned and move on with your life. It is the most freeing and peaceful feeling you'll ever experience. It's scary to leave your comfort zone, but once you do, you'll seldom crave it. Life is composed of both good and evil and humans are composed of both good and evil. One cannot exist without the other. Light attracts dark and dark attracts light. All that matters is that you learn from your mistakes. Keep on keeping on. The human experience is tough, but you are tougher.