When the Worldย Stopped
My toes gripped the mat as my palms spread and pressed downwardโฆdownward dog. I breathed deeply and tried to slow my racing mind. I reminded myself that this was my time-my moment in a day of the never-ending carousel of days punctuated by masks, social distancing and an increasingly violent news cycle. I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be regardless of the yoga. Covid and its threat was enveloping our country, and my familiar yoga studio was shuttered.
So, I remained on my yoga mat surrounded by disinterested teens and a curious dog as my virtual yoga class continued on the screen. My twice daily at home practice bookended a monotonous workday of never-ending phone calls and ceaseless rejection- 'No, we are trying to keep our business afloat not spend 100K on software." Even I understood how absurd my job was at that moment. But I persisted until the day ended when I could escape to my mat and exhale all the negativity from my "dream job" and find my center-my breath.
People think yoga is about the achievement of the pose, but the true focus of yoga is the breath. No pose is possible without mastering your breath. You breathe to calm the mind, you breath to set an intention, and you breathe to deepen your stretch into a pose. Ujjayi Pranayama or Victorious Breath is created by restricting your breath in the back of the throat inviting a deeper connection to those practicing around you- even those on the other side of a computer screen. More important, it invites you to a deeper connection with your inner self.
Without Ujjayi Pranayama, yoga is just stretching and without a deep connection to your inner self, you're just existing. For me, the understanding of breath was the start. In fact, the more I practiced the sound of the ocean in my throat, the more I found myself moving in an inhale/exhale motion through once mindless tasks chasing the sense of calm and focus that I could only find on my mat or at a keyboard creating.
Who Did I Think Iย Was?
As quarantine persisted with more uncertainty, yoga was where I found my solace and calm. It was during this time that I allowed myself to imagine a life where I was would be free to refocus on the creative callings that stirred within me. It seems yoga was awakening not just long ignored muscles, but my desire to claim the life I craved. With this in mind, I explored the idea of a yoga certification. What would that look like particularly in the post-Covid world? How would I achieve it? And most important, who did I think I was anyway?
All these answers would come in the most likely place-my yoga mat.However, did teaching yoga align into my higher purpose like finishing my second novel? I was working in software sales because I liked it. No-that's a lie. I was working in sales because I wanted to make a lot of money. I looked to some magical income number that would allow me to escape the corporate world to inspire others with my writing and teach yoga. I had resigned myself to sales for safety. After all, who was I to decide that I would embrace my talents.
So, I chose misery-at my job (it was never about the job), my co-workers (it was never about them), and my lack of process on elusive goals (guess what-the goals weren't the problem either).
I was my own worst problem. I was the person in my own way. My mind finally realized that there was only one way, and I already had the answers. The second that I merely dipped my toe in the direction of my dreams, a door opened immediately. I would waffle for a few more weeks before taking a step and walking through the door completely and shutting it on my former career behind me.
Brave Newย World
Yogaโฆit saved me and continues to save me every day. My body releases and relaxes as I flow through the movements and center my mind and breath. I still strive to shut out the day-the deadlines, the to-dos, and the nagging feeling in my cavegirl mind as I lay in shavansa that I am cheating on my productive self. But once I let go and give in, an organic peace of mind centers and focuses me for whatever might lie ahead.
Yoga created the understanding in me that life is not the work we do but the space we inhabit every day. Understanding this allowed me to reconcile that my desires in life from writing my next novel to sharing the transformative path of yoga with others would continue to crowd my space unless I took a leap and let go. Just as in yoga, I had to let go of the ideas and thoughts threatening to crowd my head. I had to finally acknowledge that I knew exactly who I was and that my corporate journey needed to end.
As I deepen my yoga practice, the rest of my life aligns to answer the call. I am able to take this time of great uncertainty and breathe unapologetic certainty into my mind, my heart and my soul. Yoga reveals to me that I must let my mind unravel to possibility instead of wrapping my mind around opportunities not meant for me.
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