- Who are you when no one's looking? Find the answer and we'll come back to our conversation, - I was told long time ago. As we know, everything takes place for a reason. Let me take you to the journey of a mindset change. Initially I associated the term quarantine with fear, hesitancy and negativity. In case of following this path, it could lead to the lowest point of life. And as it happened to be true, quarantine became part of our life in a pretty unexpected way. Want it or not, but it makes an impact. In my case the impact was life-changing. Yet, don't rush with assumptions. After spending a while isolated, a quite unanticipated thought crossed my mind. It made me realize that there's a meeting I've been postponing for so long. This is the worst time to make it happen, so I'll go for it :) Despite the rules of staying at home during this dangerous period of quarantine I felt that it could no longer be on hold. The person I wanted to meet was the one who asked me the key question. Even though I didn't have the answer by that time, I knew I'd be welcomed anyway. Honestly, I wasn't ready mentally. The time was inappropriate. I didn't reach to the point when I could feel comfortable with that person. Is this feeling of insecurity familiar to you? When the person knows the REAL you. However, I dared to take my chance, cause especially this period turned the inner calmness into priority. We met. It was a long conversation filled with gloominess, uncertainty, frustration, patience, simplicity, joy, tranquility. Quarantine has this unique effect of forcing us to face our deepest fears, memories, thoughts. I mean the hidden ones. The ones we weren't able to notice before, because of our previous “busy” lifestyle. We all have multiple identities, simply said – versions of ourselves. Some are “proven” by society; therefore those are the ones we show to the rest of the world. Our family, friends, basically everyone recognizes us as THAT kind of person. Still there's one left. A real version remains undetected. The one we try to hide so determinedly. Probably, my initial assumption wasn't precise. Particularly when I claimed that the timing of this meeting wasn't the best one. Apparently, society's isolation set the true identity of mine free for a while. That was the moment when 2 puzzles combined. Eventually the fulfillment I felt afterwards made me realize that our inner peace and needed mental balance is held by facing The Person – the only version of ourselves shown only when no one is looking.

All over the world, the journey of a woman's life is predetermined by the patriarchal society we live in – it's not an opinion, but a fact. This restricted and claustrophobic journey is sadly amplified for those girls who are born in regular, unassuming and conventional families in developing countries like India. Although I was not born to conservative parents, their parents were very traditional. So, when I was born, a second daughter, my mother was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse from both of my grandparents. Not a great thing to learn when growing up, however, it does explain why I was never as close to my grandparents as my older sister and younger brother were. I don't know how this affected my subconscious?! Perhaps, me being fiercely independent from a very young age and a bit of a rebel would be a measured behavioural outcome of the knowledge that I had of how (un)loved and (un)wanted I was by my grandparents! Anyhow, getting to the crux of the story, I have always lived my life on my terms “unapologetically”, but never used this term till it was made trendy by millennials. I worked from the age of 16, got my Bachelor's degree, left my country to pursue my Masters (1000s miles away from my home) in pursuit of freedom and independence when a lot of my peers were getting married. I got a job, lived on my own, fell in love and married to a “gora / gringo” (it wasn't a done thing at the time in my home country). All of these things were challenges in their own right, but I was never phased by them. Also, I love a good challenge, a classic trait of a rebel! I must add here, my parents and siblings always supported me at the end and stood by my decisions and even, celebrated them with me. As a child, I always dreamt of travelling the world, and I got to do that a lot with my loving partner-in-crime, my husband. However, as expected from a woman, once you're married with a job and a house, the prospect of producing an offspring was lingering over my head. Now, this expectation, isn't just limited to females from certain conventional families, it's an expectation from females, full stop. Apparently, a desire to procreate should come naturally to women…only I didn't feel that way. It took me weeks to gather courage to tell my husband that I didn't feel the need to leave a legacy behind – a child. I wasn't worried about telling him that I didn't want to use my female reproduction super powers (we share an open and transparent relationship), but what worried me was, what if he felt differently – could I bear to lose my best friend? We went to our favourite Italian restaurant and after a few glasses of wine (of course) I told him that I didn't want to be a parent, but, instead, I wanted to see the world with him! He listened to me patiently and, he replied, to my surprise, that he shared the same feelings, but didn't know how to say it. Well, needless to say I was greatly relieved! However, soon after I felt relieved, the thought of telling our parents about our decision took over and that, seemed like a huge mountain to climb. Remember, I said expectations! It's not “normal” for people to decide not to procreate – human instinct and all that. It was easy for me to tell my mother, as I tell her pretty much everything, but to tell my in-laws of our decision was very daunting. My mother took the news beautifully, as always, she supported my decision and said “as long as you both are happy, that's all it matters”. Eventually, we told our in-laws and although, it was far from easy, and it took them some time to come around our decision, they accepted it. The declaration of our decision to not procreate and overburden the planet which is already brimming with children, didn't limit to our family and friends, it's something we have to do on a regular basis by answering questions, “so, do you have children / when are you planning to have a little one / when are you going to start a family?”, to extended relatives, friends' families, neighbours, my hairdresser, my local café owner, strangers…the list is endless. I have been tempted at times to say “we've tried but to no avail” – you see, you get sympathy to that response, but not when you say you've chosen not to have a child – you get judged for it and are even called “selfish”. So, here are the questions I contemplate – why is it “normal” to want to have kids and not acceptable to choose not to? Also, why do we have to conform to the society and live our lives dictated by it? My husband and I chose, NOT to conform – we couldn't be happier and are living fulfilled lives. Years ago, I came across a very powerful saying that I always go back to when I am feeling lost and unsure - “If Not Now, When? If Not Me, Who?” I keep reminding myself not to worry about what others think and I continue to make life choices that I feel are right for me and I do that unapologetically.

Everything in life is about us. Theres nothing, not even the smallest action, decision or thought, that we do not take selfishly. Aware of it or not, direct or indirectly, everything is always about me, me, me and me. It's constantly me. But what happens when we are not self-confidence? When we don't believe in ourselfs and I don't love me enough? Then we search for someone, someone who will give us the love and acceptance we don't give ouselfs. Someone who will make us feel good, alive for two seconds so that after he can make us drown, more and more deeply. We will ask ouselfs; what did I do wrong? why me? We are going to try to swim, get out, but the tide will be way to strong, there will be to much pain and we are gonna drown even more. It will hurt, there will be days where we just want to die and stop fighting becaouse it is easier. There will be a moment, where we will give up, we won't want to fight anymore, we will be tired. We will let all the water fill our lungs, carry us wherever it wants. Days will pass by, weeks, months..but one day, we will finally understand how it works and step by step, little by little we will start to swim. We will figure out that we first need to let all the pain in so that then we can get to know how it feels and works, so that we can fight it. Only that way we will be able to learn from it, grow strong and love ourselfs a little more every day. There will be a day, when we won't need anyone to feel loved, valued and to smile. We will be the one deciding what to do and how to do it. If there is a day, when a special someone arrives, someone who we feel like is worthy of our love, we are gonne let him in. But it is not gonna be becouse we need to feel loved, but becouse we want to share the life we have built up with that one person. It will be becouse WE want to.

I hope we can all agree that crushes are the definition of emotional roller coaster. Maybe you agree with me that you want your crush to change for you and you fantasize about you and them. You fantasize what "it" could be- but "it's" not. I met a boy in school (he'll be A) who changed my perspective of things. Not going to lie- he was a good guy. He was so handsome, so smart, funny, and above all, my imaginary soulmate. When I first met him, I never thought I would have such a huge crush on him. I didn't know that he was going to play such a massive role in my future and the way I thought of things. I didn't know that I might fall for him, and that he would be the wrong guy... But now I do. It all started when he asked me for a chance at a relationship. I remember vividly all the emotions I felt, ranging from happy to bewildered. On top of that, it was midnight, and I wasn't myself. I was too crazy. So me, being the intelligent but dumb girl I am, said maybe. I said maybe because (of my smart side) I knew he was a player. However, I always contradicted myself every time I brought this fact up to myself. Not necessarily, I would think. He had a girlfriend for a long time, I would think. That was my dumb side. And that's exactly why I said maybe; I didn't really know what would happen if I said yes or no. I can't describe in words how much regret I felt afterwards for not saying yes. He was the first real crush I had! He literally asked me for a chance! How could I! But I did. And now, all I feel is pride and a little more intelligence. After that day, we talked on and off. We talked some days, at school or online; other days we didn't speak a word to each other. By the time winter break came around, I was basically over him. He was dating someone- a "hoe", to say the least- and I didn't care the least bit. They broke up after two weeks. A couple months passed. And then, I met a guy who was so nice, so caring, but so not for me at all. I met him at a party I went to (he'll be C). A day or two after, I decided to talk to him, because what's the harm? He was so nice. He knew exactly how to make a girl's day. But he didn't go to my school, and he was severely depressed. I didn't know how to help him. I even think I could've made it worse because, well... It led to the point where he was constantly talking to me. He wouldn't leave me alone because he barely had any friends at his school and I was his "light" everyday. He admitted he had very deep feelings for me one day and asked me out. I didn't feel the same way, and I absolutely had no idea how to turn him down without hurting him. At the same time he asked me, I was talking to A. No one else was awake, and I really needed help in rejecting C without stabbing him with the invisible knife. I was so hopeless. So I asked A to help. I explained the entire situation to him, from top to bottom. He asked me for my number, and at first, I was confused. But then, he called me. We talked until my dad came in my room and told me to sleep. A and I made up a solution that I would tell C that someone was planning to ask me out the next day, and I was going to say yes. A was the one who proposed an idea similar to it, and I was the one who made it cleaner. I feel like it got awkward at that moment, but I don't remember. I think we both just fell silent on the phone for a few seconds. I could hear his sniffs loud and clear. I successfully rejected C. That was the beginning of me and A's close friendship. Many, many things happened after this point of time. I could go on forever and ever about the strong bond but complicated feelings we had, but I'm just going to state the main point of all that. He was a player. I think I had some influence on him, but I'm not sure. He wasn't as much of a player when we were close, but he became a big one (and did other things on top of that) after our friendship shut down. My feelings for him constantly got in the way of everything I did and every word I spoke to my friends, because I would talk about him so much. The entire time, I knew he wasn't worth it. He didn't deserve the tears I shed for him or the happiness I felt only with him. Or at least, that's what everyone says. But me? I learned. I know now what the whole experience of a real crush feels like. No matter how complicated the whole thing was, I would never take it back. No matter how much "hoe-ing around" he did, I wouldn't change the way I felt about him. Above all, I would never take back our friendship or the things he taught me. Yes, he was a player. Heck yeah, it took me a lot of time to get over him. But to anyone who might be going through the same thing or dealing with a player- you will learn. I promise. But don't ever think that you will change him/her. You will only change yourself in the end. This may be a bad or good change, but it is a change for you and not him/her.

As an high school student, I feel as though it's more important to choose the path of college readiness over career readiness. It's more about finding who you are, and who you want to be in your adulthood. The Washington Post reported in 2014 that “only 27% of college grads have a job related to their major.” Who's to say the career you're preparing for is the one for you? If you get college ready then you'll also be preparing for any career through the process. When building the skills you need for a career. If you're not prepared for college, how can you be prepared to take that job as a nurse, doctor, psychologist or whatever the choice? Going to college will open doors to increased salary potential, better career options, and better chances for personal growth that a person just can't get any other way. Before you can choose a career, oneself will have to know what type of person they are and who they want to be. You have to know your limits, skills and what you specialize in. You have to set goals for yourself, and learn how to accomplish those goals. The college experience helps you find who you are. While being out on your own, you'll become in contact with many different situations where you'll have to decide what's best for you on your own and even if you can't, in college you'll have someone who will help you blossom into who you want to be. In the process of finding who you are, college helps you build the skills necessary for having any job. Such as communication, responsibility, time management, leadership and research. There's even many more skills you'd never know you could gain through your experience. For example, “The first skill that I leveraged on my résumé and in my professional work life was research and data analysis. Every college student has had to research and analyze data at some point in their college career. This skill is used in professional settings to evaluate a multitude of key performance indicators”(Melissa Suzno, 2014). Those skills will help you when applying for jobs, setting up schedules and adjusting to the everyday life as an adult. College will leave an affect on you, you'll never forget. After college, when you begin to take on the world, you'll notice so many things you've learned in college relate to everyday situations. When filling out job applications, so many jobs will look at you and take interest in you just because you have a degree. Most college grads don't have to stress about being unemployed because nowadays it's easier for them to work in many places. Now that they've learned time management, they'll know when they have time to relax and do things such as; working out, visiting friends, etc. You may wonder, “Why go to college? Why not go to trade school.”? Trade schools are beneficial but they offer fewer career options. College graduates that excel in their fields can earn more beneficial long-term income than trade school graduates. I feel as though, trade schools are the easy way out. People go to trade schools because they don't feel like spending money or going to school for a long time. If you are lazy about going to school, who's to say you're not going to be lazy about your career? You have to put in the hard work and spend a little money, to make money. As long as you're staying consistent in high school and on top of your work, earning scholarships for college will be easy for you. It all starts with you. Your future starts with you. No one can tell you how to live, they can only give you advice. Whether you've got your career picked out or not, from middle school to high school. Staying on top of your grades, being in extracurricular activities and many other things will get you noticed. They'll be people telling you go to a trade school to save money, because college isn't worth it or they don't believe you should tie yourself down to one school. It's up to you to believe in yourself, you have to know your worth. Trade schools accept any and everyone, but to get college offers by big colleges and even colleges you never heard of makes you feel like a star. Not only do colleges see potential in you, but if you're a hard worker, they'll pay for you to come to their college. I've made my choice, now it's up to you to decide.

Life is a choice, whether you intend to be beneficial or not. Having the potential to make the world a better place doesn't make you a better person, but your choice does. Many people want a beautiful world but less do the actions to create one. To serve in making the world a better place is my choice. I've found the authentic value of life and happiness in helping others and I believe, the humanity will never embrace the ultimate harmony if we keep on glorifying words over actions. One should start and empower others. One should take a small step then move forward to the big one. This is the story of my experience in moving to 'the big step' of my life! It all began when I was in freshman year of college. I joined my first charity activity in freshman year and at that point, I realized that actually I can do little things that might create some changes. Growing up in the center of metropolitan city, Tangerang, made me witness a huge distortion and undesirable truth of people's low education and life quality in my hometown, Pontianak, once I moved back there. Henceforth, I dedicate myself to some volunteering activities, concerning in education, which consequently create my awareness of the problems and potential in the community. Language is bound with culture. Indonesia, as a country full of diversities, has approximately 724 languages and most of the people, especially in rural area, growing up speaking their local language before learning Indonesian Language . Hence, to people in rural area, having skill to be able to communicate in English is quite difficult to achieve while on the other hand English is really useful to broaden the horizon. I was thoroughly disappointed knowing there is no club for students in my university to develop English with their peers. Their willingness to learn English is slowly vanished. The problem prevailing in my university acted as a stumbling block for youths to grow and create progress which subsequently led me to create a difference.I've dedicated myself to teach English voluntarily and it's a great pleasure for me but I know this small step I took is narrow and never sufficient. Therefore, I and my friends from Joint Untan Organization developed an idea to create Tanjungpura University Model United Nations (MUN) Club so the students can improve their English and sharpen their critical thinking towards international issues at once. We managed to create this club from zero. We acted dauntlessly by joining the biggest MUN Conference in Indonesia, iMUN, which made us sacrifice a lot of effort since our university didn't give much financial support. We did fund risingall by ourselves and I even took a part time job. The reasons why I wanted to join iMUN conference, because I realize I'd gain a lot of knowledge and exeperience gained from the best national MUN Conference, know precisely how MUN works and build relations with other participants so they can share their experience and support the new Untan MUN Club. Our goals were successfully achieved! A month after iMUN we opened Untan MUN Club enrollment, our friends from iMUN Conference help to promote Untan MUN Club through instagram so we get recognized by other MUN Clubs. I was chosen as the (Secretary-General) and we've managed the weekly meeting and daily discussion in our Untan MUN Club online group. I've accomplished the little step to make betterment. From my experience in developing MUN Club, I've learnt that I'm a person who can develop new ideas, do tremendous effort for myself and others, able to bring back the experience and apply it to my community immediately. Serving needs a graceful heart and soul. We can serve people even through simple things like smiling however, we'll serve better if we do it with heart and high self-quality because our actions will subsequently affect others' future. Teaching English and Buliding the MUN Club in my University were some smalls step that I took to help making this world better, at least in the community around me. I never thought those things would help making the biggest change in my life that I've exeprienced so far.Those small steps led me to become a grantee of one of the most prestigious fully funded exchange scholarship, UGRAD Exchange Program, that enabled me to spend one semester in the US. It was one of the things in my bucket list that I thought I'd never achieve. It was a big step that I took which not only changed my life but also people around me. For my experience wouldn't be mine solely. Zoroaster was right "Doing good to others is not a duty, is a joy, for it increases our own health and happiness."

Yesterday I decided to bake so many bread as our meal for whole day. Baking is not an easy things to do, because once you miss something, you can´t do anything to fix it or redo the process. During I made the dough, suddenly some insights came to my mind. Of course I had to decide how may table spoons of salt, sugar, how many cups of flour, should I put so that I could make a good and tasty bread. My decision actually was depended on my taste, but I realize it´s me the one who had to make a decision. I have failed so many times in making bread, sometimes the dough was not raise so well, sometimes it tasted plain, the other time my bread was burnt because I made a mistake in setting the heat of my oven, sometimes my bread was as hard as stone, so we couldn´t even barely chew it. Sometimes i chose not to follow the recipe and created something new, but not all of the time I succeed, but i learnt from my failure. All of my mistakes made me learn something important, so I know better now how to make a good n tasty bread. In our life, we have to make a decision every day. It starts as we open our eyes, we should decide whether we want to stay in bed or wake up. Then we have to choose our breakfast, our clothes to wear, and so on. It will be over till we close our eyes again. We face so many choices everyday to choose. Some people are afraid to make a decision, especially for the biggest, influencing, important decision in their life, because they are afraid to make a mistake, or they are afraid of the consequences of their decision. A bad result from our decision is just like a punishment that should be avoid in our life. It´s a natural instinct actually to avoid something harmful or dangerous that may happen in our life. Of course we can avoid to make some important decisions, but unluckily, we can´t avoid it all the time. Some condition may force us to decide. We can´t run away every time we have to decide something. Sometime we have to deal with failure and it´s okay. For me personally, my failure is the greatest teacher in my life. I will learn to be more cautious in choosing something and also deciding. The most important lesson that i get is I learn to think before I decide, I learn to know my capability to deal with the consequences. So, i believe that making mistake is not the end of our life. What the best things of making mistake or having failure in our life is we can learn something important from it. I believe we learn more from something bad because it makes us alert of our mistakes. Our experience will warn us about our mistake and we will try to avoid making the same mistake because we don´t want to experience the same negative consequences of our decision later. Mistakes also teach us how to be wiser if we learn from it and if we choose to be wiser. This learning process will always happen in our life, either we learn something from good things or bad things. We can choose a good choice and make a good decision because we already learn how to choose wisely. From a mistake, we can learn more also about our selves, especially our weaknesses and how to overcome it. Now the problem is, how to know which one is a good choice and which one is not, so that we are able to make a good decision. If we are dealing with a bad choice and a good one, it´s surely easy to make a decision, we all will choose a good one. But what if we are dealing with all of good choices or all of it, it´s a bad one? If I may suggest, before making a decision or choosing, explore all of the possible consequences that we may deal with, then know our selves, I mean our capability of dealing with those consequences, then choose a choice that we are ready or we feel that we can bare with the consequences. The most important is choose something that makes us grow, that develop ourselves to be a better person and don´t choose or decide something when we are angry or not in a good state of mind because we won´t aware what the consequences will be. How do we also know if we already makes a good decision. A good decision won´t always brings happiness or success, but it will bring peace, it will develop ourselves to be a better person, or it will bring goodness for other people. What we need to be able to decide something is a clear mind and also courage, so that we are conscious of our decision and we won´t blame others for the result.