Read the rest of this ......starts in medias res Also check that poem out(sort of a poem) .....its rough and possibly rhymes to close together like a a b b b b b .....also, its You as in, singing it to A girl, that i havealready met(r____ would be the only potential one) or a girl I have not met(most likely)... it would suck to never fall in love it is the truth i feel right now.... it makes my writing miss the romantic side, and for me thats a big side..a muse would apply here lol ... They could trigger the perfectionist, drive, and sensitive in me ... but the pitfall is they can also trigger the obsessive thinking to much loving tendency, & overly insecure side....... I tend to be attracted to the more dominate or artist girls( smarter dominate girls like H_____& R_____ they were not afraid to kick asses ) ..... or Artist like L____ (ballet & Art) understanding me better and far more interesting..I guess I loved her the most but as my past record shows,my love grows too quickly and even when theirs grows equallyas fast , at a certain point theirs will slow or cap out and mine keeps on growing into an obsessive love, they cant match, they get sick of me, & within 2 months its bye bye...... (obssesive LOVE, because it is not an obssesive sexual thoughts, it is just thr loving definitions without a limit, and beyond annoying) However, i WAS untreated Bipolar back then, NOW i AM treated so maybe it would be different, but i have a feeling it is my imagination & mind that turns me into The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock ..... I imagine every scenario and It is always the sad outcomes that come tru(not the worst tho) unless the multi-verse of quantum physics is real, but in that guess I have split myself for every scenario I have imagined... The only thing that sucks is, my imagination is not able to deceive myself into taking action, be it is able to stop me from moving...but luckily thru fantasy, I can escape without moving ...but it cant replace what I miss the most and that has always been Love Although, one of my fears is, it was my Manic Side that got the girlfriend but it was my normal state that they left....after all, the manic side is the confident side....imagine how sad that would be, Why move?, I already know the results, just like I know I will probably never make it as a writer .. If there is a God or Gods, I would like to ask, yo whats the deal, why do i exist and more importantly what the hell? Like come on dude really, no one at all, u supplied no matches for me..and all i wanted as a kid was to fall in love...How the heck do i keep my fire burning if I have no matches to start the fire in the first place.... At least Now I am able to deal with that aspect now that I am older, it is not a Need like it was when i was younger, its all just A want now.....

Some days I´m on top of the world, I can do anything and nothing can bring me down. I´m beautiful and talented and intelligent. I´m so happy that I can´t sleep, I have so much energy that i have to run around the house to get rid of it. Some days I can laugh for hours about nothing in particular, or because my mom bought me a new pair of pants and I can't deal with how happy I am. Some days I spend all my money, because how could someone as great as I am be broke? Some days all I want to do is sleep. Things I like to do no longer appeal to me. I don't have the energy to hang out with my friends or draw or read or write. Everything is monotonous and even the slightest criticism sends me spiraling, thinking I'm worthless and bad at everything. I think I'm ugly, and all the talent I thought I had goes out the window because I can't do anything right. Nothing can make me laugh or smile or feel anything but worthless and lazy. I seriously considered suicide. I knew how I was going to do it, I had a plan. I knew I wasn't doing well, and I wanted to be better, so I went to therapy. My therapist told me I had depression, but that didn't explain my wild mood swings. For a while, I thought it was normal, because teenagers are known to have mood swings. But mine were far worse than other teenagers. The antidepressants helped my depression a little bit, but were mostly ineffective. I told my therapist about my wild mood swings, and she recommended I track my mood. So I did. She told me I had bipolar disorder. All the pieces slotted together and formed a puzzle that made sense. I wasn't lazy, or weird, or emotional. My brain was different from everyone elses. The therapist told a psychiatrist, and she gave me medicine. I still have more intense emotions than others, and some days I still struggle to get out of bed, and do anything but sleep. But now, those days are fewer, and less intense. Everything I used to like seems interesting again, and I have the energy to do it now. I knew I had depression for years, but the other extreme changes in my mood didn't´ make sense. When the doctor told me why, I understood. I understood why I could feel the lowest of he lows for weeks, and then suddenly I was giddy because I saw a dog, or ate a pastry, or got a hug. The medicine I was prescribed doesn't change who I am. I still feel happiness and sadness and anger. But now, even on the days when I'm feeling low, I get out of bed. When I'm happy, I'm calm enough to enjoy it, and rational enough not to spend all my money. I can enjoy my hobbies again and smile when I see a dog without laughing so hard that I hurt myself. After all these years, I'm finally myself again. I'm working to make up for all the time I missed out on doing things I love, like writing. I feel inspired to do as much as I can to make up for the lost time and prove to myself that I am capable of doing things worth doing. I know I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I'm not the same as other people. But I'm myself, and that's what matters.