In case you're looking for me, I won't be home… …I won't be stress eating…or smoking one cigarette after another…drinking myself numb…barely allowing myself to sleep. That would make things way too easy for you. If and when we meet, I will not be staring at a screen obsessing over every little detail about you. Because you're a virus…not an ex. I'll admit, at first, I was spending a lot of time asking all sorts of questions about you. “Where did you come from?” “Where are you going?” “Will you get stronger?” “How many lives will you impact before you're gone?” We fear what we don't understand. But I've had time to realize that it was never you I was afraid of. As it turns out, I didn't need to learn more about you… I needed to learn more about myself. I have been so concerned with losing my life, when not too long ago, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted to do with my life. So, I started asking myself the same questions I was asking about you. “Where did I come from?” “Where am I going?” “Will I get stronger?” “How many lives will I impact before I'm gone?” I should be mad at you, but I am not. I am really upset and disappointed in myself. I was asleep when you woke me, and I almost stayed asleep even after the “alarm” went off. Then the calls came in…from people I have known my whole life but whose voices I hadn't heard in months. I mean people were calling me who do not even call me on my birthday. The effect was contagious…I started calling people I had not spoken to in a while. All the time away from work and others has shown me what I really look like. I was always so concerned with my appearance. Just the morning routine alone was exhausting and stressful. I would wear clothes that I hoped would make me look thinner than I am, shoes to make me look taller, jewelry to make me look wealthier and then hop into a car I can barely afford to drive to a job that just scarcely provides the means to buy these “costumes.” It's so strange…they wanted me to put on a face mask but as it turns out, I've been wearing a mask my whole life. It's so much easier to breathe without all that added weight and the air has never been so incredible… I want to breath it all in. I keep wondering when you'll stop. When the world will go back to how I remember it. But the more I think about it, the more I hope it never goes back to how it was. I don't want to go back to being the person I was before you showed up in the world. There was so much about me I wasn't really all that happy with. I just kept distracting myself with any gadget, screen, drug or drink I could find. But you have forced me to spend some quality time with the one person I've been avoiding…myself. I've been forced to sit in my home and stare at how much I've filled it with emptiness. Crap I didn't really need, with money I didn't really have to spend, placed on shelves I never touched or even bothered to clean. Countless times people have told me, “Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.” But that has never meant as much as it does in this moment. All the energy I spent being afraid of dying has turned into a desire to actually live…not just maintain a pulse or a paycheck…but actually be present in my own life and the lives of others. I have finally been afforded the time to look at the seemingly endless photos I've taken. Which only helped me realize that life isn't about capturing the moment…it's about letting those moments capture us. I could sit at home, gain weight, watch TV, avoid everyone I care for and blame you for it. But I won't…I can't. I'm sick of blaming others. I've spent my whole life blaming everyone and everything for what was wrong and what was missing. I'm done with that. So, like I said… I most likely won't be home when you come by. I'll probably be on my bike…enjoying these empty roads attempting to move faster than you. I'll be strengthening my lungs so that they are less susceptible to your attacks and with every other breath, saying, “hello” to the others daring enough to enjoy the outside. But if I am home when you come by, I won't be alone. The rebel you've inspired decided on a different strategy than isolation. You see…if you want new results, you need new methods. I've spent enough of my life alone to know that isolation never heals…it hurts… it kills. I have filled my house with the people that remind me how valuable this life is and what I'm fighting for in the first place. You want them…? You'll have to get through me… and I'm not going down without a fight. If your only goal was to kill me, don't worry, you succeeded. The person I was before you arrived… is gone. I guess I have you to thank for that.

I have the impression that every time we go through a new "personal crisis", we raise ourselves higher. Even though for some crazy little moments you feel the world collapsing around you, you can't breath and you believe thst it is over your strength, you raise yourself higher.... I have realized that every small crisis that happens to you, always brings you closer to your true, sincere self. And when the crisis is over, you restart again for your destination with more energy and passion. You regain your strength which was forgotten. You are strong again to deal with anything. There are no enemies. There are no real threads, just some haunting "sirènes" that try to capture you. Scylla and Charybdis are far away now. The stage is over. Go to the next stage of your personal growth.

You hear the phrase every day. When a father throws a baseball with his son, and his son doesn't throw the ball hard enough. “You throw like a girl!” When a boy is running track and can hardly keep up with his teammates? “You run like a girl!” From these examples, we gather that this phrase is generally used as an insult. Women drivers are considered to be worse than male drivers. Women are confusing, and emotional, and cry – they aren't as rational as men. Right? These are common ideas in today's society, something we don't even think twice about before saying. Why does a woman's ability to address her feelings and emotions make her lose her credibility and reasoning? Is there something ingrained in the female sex that makes being associated with them insulting? The last time I checked, a woman's insurance costs less than a man's. When was the last time you heard of a woman murdering a man because he refused to go on a date with her? The media often reports on stories of men murdering women after the men are denied something by the woman; and yet, women are stereotyped as emotional and irrational. Hearing these reports and stories -daily- you would think demeaning phrases including “like a girl” wouldn't be commonly used. But when was the last time you heard someone insult another person by calling them a boy? Personally I have never heard the phrase, “You're such a boy!” as an insult. When somebody is aiming to insult someone verbally, they always associate their insult with a woman. Why is this? The insult itself doesn't actually make sense, because there are many women that are physically stronger than men. In a sport that is dominated by strong, physically built men, Ronda Rousey has emerged as one of the biggest stars in MMA. When there are many famous women out there, like Ronda Rousey, who can dominate in a physical fight, why do people still continue to use the phrase “like a girl” as an insult? With women like Ronda Rousey, who needs Mike Tyson? She could easily put him and any professional football player in the hospital. With powerful women like Ronda Rousey, and honored soldiers like Leigh Ann Hester – who received a silver star for her heroic actions in Iraq–it doesn't make sense for women to still be the subject of degrading insults and jokes. Many women join the military every year; they receive the same training, go through the same tests, and fight the same people as men. I'm sure the men that fight in the army and alongside those women wouldn't use “You fight like a girl” as an insult with their comrades. Another phrase, one that has since been banned in many schools, that used to be used as an insult is “You're retarded”. Many people used the adjective in order to insult or shame another person. When it was brought to light that the insult is demeaning and offensive towards people that are actually mentally retarded, the phrase was no longer acceptable as an insult, and teachers in schools began to discipline children for using it. That insult was offensive towards a group of people, and it was disbanded, as it should have been. The insult “like a girl” is offensive towards a group of people, and yet it is still widely used. Unfortunately it is impossible to change everyone's opinions on the phrase “like a girl”. A single person can't force millions of people, and several generations, to stop using the phrase. However, maybe I can be one person that begins to shine a light on the subject.