“We've been over this, Leah," Cole told me for probably the hundredth time. "I'm not about to do that to you.” “But you wouldn't be doing it to me," I argued, determined to convince him of the merits of a long-distance relationship. "You'd be doing it for me." “Go ahead and rationalize, but I can tell you now it's not going to change my mind.” Cole sighed and kissed me on the forehead when he saw I was pouting. “Come on, Lee. We've talked about this. You're gonna go off to college soon, where I'm sure you'll meet a lot of great guys. I don't want you to miss out on anything just because you feel obligated to stay with me.” “It's not like that, though. I want to stay with you. I love you, Cole.” “I love you too, Lee. But trying to maintain a relationship when we're thousands of miles apart… it just isn't feasible.” “Are you afraid I'm going to cheat on you or something? Because I swear I would never-” “Who said anything about cheating,” he asked, confused. “No one, I just… I know that's a common fear people have when it comes to long-distance relationships.” “Not me,” he asserted. “That's the least of my worries.” “You mean you trust me that much,” I asked, touched. “Well, yeah. Of course. But I also just know you don't….” Cole stopped talking suddenly as something occurred to him. “You know I don't what,” I pressed, feeling my heart start to race. “I just… I meant that you… that I know you don't….” Cole looked like he was trying hard to come up with something to say. Though Cole hadn't answered me, the flush in his cheeks and his refusal to meet my gaze told me all I needed to know. “How long have you known,” I asked him quietly. He took a second before responding. “I… have had my suspicions for a while now, but I didn't feel comfortable making that kind of assumption,” he admitted, somewhat sheepishly. I fell silent as I considered how this new information might affect our relationship. It was a long moment before I mustered up the courage to finally ask him my next question. “So… knowing what you do now… that doesn't… change the way you feel about me?” I resisted the urge to cover my ears, afraid of what his answer might be. “I mean, I know there are certain… expectations that come with being in a relationship, and there are, you know… needs that have to be met, and I'm just not sure that I can-” “Don't be ridiculous, Leah.” To my utter confusion, Cole laughed. “This isn't funny,” I told him, irritated. “I'm being serious.” “I know you are. I am too.” “Then why-” “I don't know what it's going to take to get you to believe me, so I guess I'll just keep saying it until you do. I love you, Leah Rose. I love everything about you, and I do mean everything. And I would never, ever pressure you into doing something that you didn't want to do.” The expression on his face was so intense it was almost a little scary. “I need to know you understand that, Leah. Please tell me you do.” “I… I don't….” Much to my dismay, I burst into tears and started sobbing into my hands. “Sweetheart, what's wrong,” Cole demanded, clearly concerned. He wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace. “Nothing,” I wailed, sobbing into his chest. “So then why are you crying?” It took me a second to compose myself enough to answer him. “Because I'm just so happy right now,” I sniffled, swiping at my eyes. Cole released me then, and I looked up to see that he was smiling and shaking his head at me. “Come here, you.” Before I could react, he pulled me closer, holding me tight against his chest. Cole gently tilted my chin up to kiss me lightly on the forehead.

The current global climate is confusing, anxiety inducing, and even a little bit frightening. There are multiple radical political figures on the rise, and a continual denial of human rights and equality. But these factors are met with resistance, the voices of social activists and ecological defenders are becoming louder and louder. Our world is steeped in complexity, for every person who can imagine a more liberated future there is one who fights for the comfortable status quo. As stated by Emma Goldman, “Every daring attempt to make great change in existing conditions, every lofty vision of new possibilities for the human race, has been labelled Utopian” (Goldman). Utopian thinking is making an important comeback, both socially and artistically. The idea of utopia or paradise is something almost every human has longed for, individualistically and collectively. Humans desire fulfillment and an ideal sort of happiness, which we have searched for across art, literature, and religion. A photographer who we do not often associate to the ideologies of utopia is Robert Mapplethorpe, an artist more known for intense imagery and the beautification of queer sexuality. Robert Mapplethorpe uses the power of the camera to break through distinctions such as race, gender, and sexuality expressing the longing for equality and intimate comfort within a queer space. Mapplethorpe created the image "Embrace" in 1982, capturing a passionate moment between a mixed race homosexual couple, providing an alternative to what was a traditionally accepted relationship. Mapplethorpe's use of black and white film, shadow, and positioning to capture his subjects creates a passionate yet raw image. His models fill the direct center of the frames entirety pronouncing the passionate grip shared between the two men, hinting at the emotionally and physically secure bond that is shared. Mapplethorpe's dominating use of formalism in capturing his subjects provides for a beautiful image of a typical gesture, yet hints at the emotional depths that must be shared between a discriminated couple. The flexing muscles of the arms along with the closeness of the chests shows us the deep affection shared between the two, allowing us as viewers to imagine the comfortability and potentiality that this relationship has. Using a Utopian lens while analyzing this work gives us a glimpse into the ideal qualities of a personal relationship and its future, features which can extend to society as a whole. Examining Mapplethorpe's photography through a Utopian methodology critiques important aspects of everyday life exposing both the negative social stigmas while also pointing to the positive and hopeful desires. Both Utopian and queer studies focuses on the idea of what is not yet here, and how we can use this potentiality of what is missing to create a future (Munoz). The blending of race and sexuality that is provided by "Embrace", ignores the previous notions of what is acceptable in a relationship combating the “perfect relationship” ideal that heteronormativity provides. He visually poses the question of what could happen when we accept hybridity into our lives, evoking an intrinsic look in order to find the answer. Mapplethorpe's "Embrace", gives us an insight of the Utopian principles we can instill in our everyday relationships, allowing us to find bliss within the ordinary (Munoz) . The dreams of utopia prompts us to reject the status quo, and contemplate within ourselves as to what's important. As humans we always strive to obtain the ultimate good, and it is by first finding what is desired within ourselves that we can learn how to create this reality. Examining the work of Robert Mapplethorpe under a utopic lens shows us that intimacy, acceptance, and community bonding are essential tools in creating a personal utopia. These images gives us a glimpse into the qualities that are ultimately desired in our interpersonal relationships, while hinting at what's missing in contemporary culture. Utopian thinking creates a concrete possibility for another world, providing tangible tools that can lead us in the direction of a hopeful new future. Sources: Goldman, Emma. Utopia Quotes. Goodreads. Web. Munoz, Jose Esteban. Cruising Utopia: The Then and Now of Queer Futurity. New York University Press, November 2009. E-book. Pg. 118.

I've noticed it doesn't take much to pass as a guy. As a kid, it's the easiest. You just need a short haircut, and since society is dripping in gender roles, that's all it takes. Too bad when you're a kid, you don't really know what gender is yet to work the system. I know when I was a kid, I didn't care about gender at all. I just really liked games. When I was six, on my mom's old computer, there was a pinball game. It was infuriating. The flippers at the bottom of the screen were never long enough to catch the ball, like a t-rex trying to use its hands. One day I spent hours playing it, and as if I was stuck in a time loop, I shot the ball up, it bounced around, then fell directly into the void. I couldn't shoot the ball back up, without starting over, if I tried. I'm nineteen, now. I know gender, and oh we are not friends. I was walking home from class. The college campus was cold, so I wore my green hoodie and a pair of khaki pants that hugged at the ankles. The wind kept tossing my short curly hair, which I continued to let blow into my eyes. The sting only slightly noticeable. Fall around here was like a hug of ice, and I wanted to be engulfed by it. Up ahead were two men. They had clipboards in their hands, which signaled to me I had to keep my eyes low and walk faster. I didn't want to sign anything, and these guys were tall enough to be ‘persuasive.' My shoes hit the pavement. Leaves crunching underneath me with every step. I just needed to look down. “Hey bro, come sign this petition,” the taller man said to me. I stopped. 'Bro? Did he think- no. I didn't even try today.' I looked up, startled. That was a mistake. I couldn't just pretend not to notice him. I noticed. I started to panic, my words tumbling in my head. 'This is what you wanted. For people to see you as a guy.' I swallowed hard. 'Then why do I feel like I'm gonna puke?' I processed the men's intimidating figures, and concluded they probably weren't trans friendly. In a split-second decision, my voice dropped to its lowest register, shooting down my throat like a pinball. Except this time, I wanted to lose. I wanted my voice to drop into the void. With a huff, I breathed out a low, shaky, “No thanks bro.” I quickly walked away. My non-existent Adam's apple hurting in my throat.