I am a very flawed person.
No, it's true. You might think I said this so people can make me feel better about myself—which I don't completely deny as it is probably right—but I have also recognized that a long time ago. I have flaws, things about myself I could probably repair. But sometimes I don't want to do that, because if I do change my flaws, then I won't be myself. Does that even make sense?
I've always been a shy kid. It took me quite a long time to overcome it, and it's still in process, too, but I'm slowly changing. Worse, I'm also introverted, which really doesn't help my case. I rarely like people and crowds. How does one overcome one's shyness if one does not even want to change it? I'd been worried about that for a long time before.
Consequently, I worried for my future, too. I can't do anything, I rarely want to do anything. I don't really have anything I am good at. I'm like this, how could anything happen to me? What would I be? Another one of my flaws: passiveness.
And indecisiveness. I remember, when I was supposed choose my major, I ran around in circle. This, or that? Do I even like studying? (The answer to that is no.) Why do I even want to go to university? I should've gone to a vocational high school instead of a regular one and gotten a job afterwards! Why did I decide I want to be ordinary—whatever that means? I'm a lazy procrastinator—that's another one of my flaws. (Writing this is another form of my procrastinating.) University won't sit well with me, would it?
Well, it really doesn't sit well, not really. I tend to put things on the last possible minute and made the work even harder for myself. And it just clicked that I want it changed. (To be truthful, it never really click like that. I just wrote that to be dramatic.) I don't want my flaws to make my life harder than it is.
So I try to change it and I'm getting there. That's when it hits me.
I realize, sometimes, change is gradual. There is no need to force change onto yourself—might work for some people, but it doesn't for me. (People that told me to change only serve to annoy me and make me even resistant to change. I'm sorry, people.) You know when they say that you have to want to change? Don't worry. Don't feel bad even if you felt comfortable, even with your flaws. It's you. Unique, original, you. Sure, you might be a horrible person, people might not like you, but if you don't want to change, hey, don't start changing. Might backfire.
Of course, that is unless you murder people. Goodness, I hope not.
I used to beat myself up over my unwillingness to change. But, again, change is gradual. Worrying about that is practically useless and only serve to bother you. Life is always changing dynamically, and one day it will even change into death for all of us—sorry for the sudden grimness. And if you don't want to change, it's okay. There's no need to change yourself over what people think to be your flaws. Sometimes people made you think that your flaws need to be changed, and that's where we went wrong. The first step is to want the change, not to think that you want the change. And you'll know it when you actually want the change.
Good luck in life.
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