June of 2022. So far, I got an IELTS to get privielege from English subject and focused on studying the newly added subject of law for the entrance exams to the Tashkent State University of Law. I clearly remember the times that I read a law book for eight hours from morning till night without even going to school. This went on until January, and by January I had almost finished the books like 20 times. At that times I got very deep know to win against the law students of our whole region. I've won all the money from block tests, all the prizes, and some education centres even rejected me, just because I've been taking all the money. It was a wonderful times. And then June came. It was very difficult to study in the heat, it was very difficult to not sleep in the afternoon, but I did not stop, because there was very little time left until August. The exam was supposed to be on August 15th. On the night of July 28th, I remember very precisely, I was walking into the next room after my native language class and I heard a girl saying: "Exam dates have been announced, August 1st!!!!" And I was shocked when I heard that. I came home quickly. When I got home, I started planning for the next four days. I'll give you an idea of how hard I studied in those four days -- four days of reviewing the 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th grade law textbooks, the Constitution, the 6th, 7th, 8th, 10th grade history of Uzbekistan, and 10 block tests. So imagine that I did a 15-day plan in just four days. And finally, the long-awaited day that I never thought would be so tragic for me finally arrived. I was so excited about the test building that I felt 100% confident that I had the maximum knowledge to pass the test. As I walked into the building, I felt more confident and took a big step. The tests were distributed, and I had two hours. I opened the textbook, and I did my first law exam. And I was so happy to open it, because it was so easy to do the law test, and I could do it in just eight minutes. And the joy of doing compulsory subjects has stayed with me. But as soon as I opened the math compulsory block, all of a sudden the excitement was gone. I struggled to answer those three questions, and I was about to give up, but then I remembered the difficulties I had faced during my matriculation, and I felt that those three questions were nothing. Again, with the fire in my eyes, I was thinking logically, drawing, and working on the questions that I couldn't get out of math. I was so excited, I thought it was going to be at least 187.9, score, so I started copying the answers from textbook to the actual title.There was very little time left to copy, I had to copy two questions per minute. I got it right on time. I was so excited about the fact that I could now compare my transcript to my transcript and shout it out loud when I got out, that I took my transcript and compared it to my transcript. And I looked question 41, which was a B in my test book and an A in the title. I couldn't believe my eyes and I checked it three times. It was as if ice water had been poured on the fire in my eyes.I quickly handed the title to the controller, and a minute ago, the boy who was thinking about shouting loudly could not even make a little sound. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to step out of the binomial that I've stepped into. I felt like a celebrity when I walked out, because there were so many people who knew me and wanted to know if I had scored 189 score or not. Unfortunately, I had misplaced the question, which was worth 3.1 points, in the exact title, and I couldn't fix it, and no one would listen to me. Imagine, from January to August, I never scored less than 186 to 189 on any of the block tests, but I may have mistaken the easy test two or three times over the block test. I don't regret making mistakes because of my lack of knowledge, but I'm hurt that I made mistakes when I had access to the grant with my knowledge. So I was recommended to TDYU as a contract student. My family felt sorry for my work, but they encouraged me, believing that there was some wisdom in it ... .

I learned something new today. My therapist thinks that I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). The definition on the internet states “BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance. People with BDD can dislike any part of their body, although they often find fault with their hair, skin, nose, chest, or stomach.” I was blown away by this definition because it described me perfectly. I always knew I had anxiety but I didn't know there was such a specific form of it. Knowing this really opened my eyes because I was never able to fully relate to others that had anxiety. Sure, they knew all about the heart racing, panic attacks, lack of appetite and insomnia but their obsessiveness with their image was never their trigger. In some ways, I feel better knowing that there is a disroder that fits me exactly because it means that I'm not crazy; I'm not alone. If doctors labeled this obessiveness as BDD then it must mean a whole lot of other people must be suffering from it. This comforts me somewhat. Maybe since I am now armed with this knowledge I can soothe myself easier knowing that what I'm fixating on is either an illusion or an overexaggeration of my imagination. I have a long road to recovery but I am grateful to God every day that I am slowly making progress. I know I will always have my bad days but my hope is that they will start to be less frequent. No matter how difficult things get for me in the future, I want to remember that I have already overcame a lot and I will continue to overcome. I am a fighter. And I deserve happiness.

Deep in the woods and far from the sun, I searched for broken pieces, long forgotten down the line. Overflowed but empty, hollow trees were passing by, waiting for the sun to light their holes beneath the ground and sky. Trembling noises restlessness roving like flames in the air, moving around the broken pieces which I left along the way. None to be seen, and none to be heard, but only broken pieces screaming louder than my raging thoughts. Little did I know that those broken pieces were never to be found, for they were deeply rooted in the corner of my eyes.

The pen and a writing pad in the hands of a knowledgeable soul has the ability to transform many years of continued moral decadence and bring to the spotlight,different ways of achieving set out moral,economic,social and financial aims. Hey,it's mightier that which cuts out ignorance, destroys hate and replaces it with love. Hope to one,Hope to all!!!