It was 2010, August 25 th, when I moved to my father's house with my mother after 5 -years divorce. I was 5 and could not easily  cope with the atmosphere at the new house as I have grown up by my grandmother until my fifth. Because, my parents got divorced and mother left me with grandmother studying at another region, at the Medical college in order to relieve her stress. Hence I love my grandmother mostly. But I had to leave her and every day crying , I missed her so much as there was a lack of her love for me at my "new " house. It was very difficult for a young girl.I could not even dare to call him dad. I felt as if I was adopted by absolutely strange family. There was a strange distance between my dad and me due to the 5 gap years not feeling his existence.He and his realatives also could not adapt my actions, attitude towards them and treated  me as a stranger , banning  lots of things those I wanted. I could not wear what I wanted, I could not go to my grandmother's home and even I had a little time to play with my peers.My mom could not do anything for me as none considered her as a person at father's home. Before I have never understood why she endured all hardships there . She could work for herself divorcing with dad.( I understood her later) She always wanted me not to be isolated, and not to feel lack of father's love. But, the ambience at my father's house was that toxic, I can not still cope with it . My dad's relatives have many bad habits which I have never seen in my grandmorher's home. They all together drink alcohols which always causes bad consequences in relationships.Such kind of situations always made me demotivated.Especially after the time when I had learned about my father's ex- wife and his daughter,I could not releive depression during a month. This acknowledgement resulted in my first step to write poems.Since that day, worries, difficulties ,unsatisfactions improve my creativity to write stories ,poems .I understood that I need to adapt that atmosphere in that house and seek positive sides . I slowly began to love my father and encouraged myself to study hard. And learned different languages from my grandmother and  courses with the support of her and dad .Although, my chilhood has been replaced with problems instead of fun, I chose not to loose my dreams and goals due to issues those I would consider as minor one day. Also, my father started to support me in terms of Education after the change of my attitude towards him.I attended different language courses which are the keys of my current success . And within 5 years, I became very fluent in English .I really wanted to show my ability . Unfortunately, I lived in a small village and none , even teachers did not pay attention to my ability. But, I began to teach English to  young children for free in order to change their mind in terms of education and also to widen my own horizon collaborating with others.The course which has begun with only two girls became wider day -by- day. Many parents in my village gave up the idea that Education is unnecessary which appeared under the influence of Russian governance over Uzbeks. Today in Uzbekistan,people's insights about higher Education changed into absolutely positive way. Now they are implementing millions of funds for their education. And the reverse was true for the life in 2000s .Of course, in spite of the fact that, I could not change whole negative theory in Uzbekistan, I could release positive influence among people of my village, teaching youth, and contributing their academic succes and well performance at schools. Even some of my students were recently admitted to the one of the prestigious schools in Uzbekistan which are specialised for English. I am so proud of them , I could be a part of positive changes in many people's minds, lives, contributing their educational development.

Weeping I set on the edge of the dock, shocked by the sudden realization, “School is almost over.” I know it might sound pathetic, but all my friends are there. How much change will we be coming back to at the beginning of September? Will we all have the same feelings, or will we all care about someone else? Will I live in the shadows of loneliness, or will I live in the light of friends? Only God knows. I will keep working trying to change, I'm trying to see if I can be myself. I try to say I'm not like the others, the ones who care about what people think, but I'm just kidding myself. I'm the same as everyone else. I think about how I look and how I act. I stew over what I said days before, and I kick myself for being too talkative. For what I said that sounded dumb. I am trying to live my life, going against the flock, but I catch myself going the same way and I try so hard to turn my back. Temptation follows my every move. Selfishness shadows me. Everything I feel I keep bottled up the things I think stay in my head. I don't know how much longer I can last. I hide my stress, nobody knows. I make people draw the wrong conclusion like I'm against everything they do. Nobody knows me because it makes me vulnerable. If all they know about me is lies, then if they try to hurt me none of my real feelings will be divulged. I might slap you or yell when you say something stupid only to manipulate your thoughts about me. I say I don't like physical touch when I want someone to hold me. Almost everyone can't decrypt my feelings and those who do, I hold farthest away. I hope to change all this through the summer so I can show them all I've changed. I want others to realize I'm not who I say. I am scared to death of what I want but I believe it's the right thing to do. So, what do you say? Should I change all the way? To reprogram my thinking, my feelings, my type. To gamble everything in my relationship my world. It's up to you.

At first, I thought this contest was going to be easy, and it would be easy to pick a topic. But the truth is, it isn't, the feeling of having so much possibility scares me, there is so many different things I could write about. But I'm pretty sure I know what I want to write about now. The great feeling writing gives me, now I don't know if it will win me this contest, I doubt it will. But I want to share what being able to write about my feelings and thoughts gives to me. At first, I wasn't really into writing that much, but I did have a journal with me that I wrote in quite a bit, whether it be about the fun day I just had or my daily check in on how I was feeling, writing these things out, I can really analyze my life and how I am feeling. But now the best thing isn't about getting this stuff off my chest it's the fact that if my writing actually does get completed, hopefully someone will feel the same bliss I felt while writing it, and when I am reading others' writing. It's also the fact that writing can help me disappear when it feels like everything is going wrong in my life i can always go write about an alternate life of a girl whose prince is about to scoop her up and save her. I love that when I am writing I can just put on music and fly away into a different world for a little bit. I'm sorry about the picture if this is not what was expected, but I am not comfortable showing my face, and it's what I do, just write, and this is what this whole writing is about, writing itself and how wonderful it feels to me.

Who am I. What right do I have to feel this way. Millions have died, some struggling to live, while others going through the most ineffable sufferings. Precious and dear lives have been snatched away by a very well-known adversary, death. Yet still, here I am, with the mere audacity to feel what I consider as - sadness? Here I am, with the absurdity of my emotions and the insanity of my thoughts. I have been in this deep, dark pit too before: shutting out any form of light and reveling in my own emptiness. It was that way until someone was brave enough to venture into the pit and save me. Well, it's different now. Social interactions are now perilous in such a way that it must be avoided at all times. Our natural desire for consolation and comfort in tough times was shifted to simply video calling and messaging. As convenient as it may seem, months with almost zero human contact turned out exasperating and troublesome. I, for one, deeply sunk into my own personal bubble where it seemed like there was no one else but me – no one to save me this time. All these humanitarian disasters, social crises, and global conflicts are unraveling in front of my very eyes. In all honesty, my so-called “problems” are trivial and insignificant in comparison to the chaos of this world. Stressing over the lack of food while others long for at least a biscuit to munch on. Complaining about my pathetic life when others are mourning over the loss of their loved one and fighting for their lives. Although I hate to admit, it is extremely tempting to just overlook all these and focus on my situation – to cancel out the noise in my surroundings. Indeed, these inherent instincts of mine start to kick in. Several news on social media do not seem to bother me as much as I believe it should. It became a personal struggle for me to remain alert on all the contemporary issues while handling my very own issues. After all this, I have come to a realization. I am not to let my pride and selfishness get in the way and cloud my judgement. I should not neglect the important things in these world just because of my needs. However, on the other side of the spectrum, any emotion or feeling that we may experience must not be disregarded and just pushed to the side. We are human beings with natural tendencies to feel sadness, anger, and confusion. Our very existence validates it. Although setting these aside may appear like the simplest and most apparent thing to do, we are unknowingly causing ourselves more harm than good. The first step we must take is to fully accept all these negative things as part of ourselves. Personally, I was caught up distracting myself from all the sadness until it consumed me, bit by bit. I forced myself to become happy, believing that being sad was not and should not be an option for me. I detested the feeling of extreme loneliness and somehow wished I'd never felt that way, which eventually led to hatred towards myself. “I don't deserve to be sad because of some stupid and petty reasons.” “I need to be happy, so others around me can be happy.” I tried, but no matter how much effort I put in, it would never truly work. Sadness, depression, anxiety, among many others, does not just simply disappear. Acknowledging my emotions played a huge role in this battle, realizing that it is okay to not be okay. Small steps toward the goal may not be a lot, but together they contribute to being completely “okay”. Even if it is as simple as taking care of yourself or doing something you love, do it. If it's listening to music or reading that book you've always wanted to read, do it. It is all about how we deal with what we feel that matters. When I chose to put it aside, it was still there and I never overcame it. Recognize it, face it, and let go of it – that makes all the difference. My worth is not defined by what I feel, I know that now. The reality is this – we are all human beings with our own varying problems and circumstances. Some are at the very peak, enjoying the best times of their life, while others their lowest and darkest times. Everyone has their own timelines; we must never compare our failures to others' successes. Who am I? Well, I am me – a daughter of the King of Kings and that is enough. What right do I have to feel this way? I have every right. My emotions are valid, and yours are too.

The world was mad at me, or so I had thought. My selfish mindset taught me the world had been waiting for generations upon generations to release its rage upon me. I became blind to the idea that I, of all people, was filled with ego. Through the moments I noticed this within me I felt as if I was allowed to feel this way, more than anyone. The universe knew every particle of my being, the good and the bad, and knew how to play my strings perfectly to slowly kill my thoughts. I was a robot. I self-destructed more than anyone and denied that it was me doing it. I procrastinated until I couldn't anymore, I grabbed things no thirteen-year-old should grab. Imagine what you will. I wanted boys to seek me, to pursue me. I still do. I crave the idea of having the slightest bit of attention and I break when someone does not laugh at my joke. I would break when things did not go my way and when there was no reason to break at all. The world was no longer the world I was in but much more of a living hell. I was burnt to crisp and would drive myself insane. I was broken and torn to pieces and I blamed no one but the universe. It hated me, it had to. My father would say things without thinking and it drove me to insanity. My mother was at work too much. I questioned my life too often. I could not imagine a future. I liked falling asleep but I could never do it right. Nightmares were less scary than the world I was living in. Happiness made me feel inferior, normal. I accepted the universe's destiny for me. I had it the worst. One day, another day, and another had passed. The sun began to shine and the moon would glow. My dog would lick my face and this time I did not push him away. My brother said hi to me first when he came home. I went to therapy. I described my life “as an elevator, rather than hills. When I get hurt I start at a floor and get shot down”. She understood me. I would go to the mall and play truth or dare. I spent cold autumn nights going to football games and Starbucks and to the new taco place in town. I found new music and I went to concerts. I began to give more hugs, take more pictures. I licked the snow, I made hot chocolate, and burnt my tongue way too often. I wore Christmas pajamas. I wore dresses to school. I wore whatever I wanted to wear. I held babies and played with kids. I smiled at strangers; Sometimes I would beat my anxiety and talk to them. Once I met a girl in the clearance section in Old Navy, she wants to go to space one day. Traveling made me smile, made me feel small. I was no longer the center of the universe, but an ant in the distance. Rollercoasters were never scary, but thrilling. I enjoyed the pit you get in your stomach once you fall from the peak of the ride, almost relieved. I noticed the feeling you get when you shave your legs and go under the sheets. The feeling of wearing clothes that were fresh out of the drier was a whole new world. I went to lakes and ran barefoot in the grass, the blades were soft and muddy feet were the least of my worries. I kept pennies I found on the ground. I woke up on time on weekdays and slept in late on Saturdays. I went to church often. I would notice the feeling of not being able to breathe from laughing too hard. The glisten in your eyes when you are so happy you could cry. I made new friends and rekindled hope with the old ones. I started putting my pieces together. I picked up my own broom. For months this period went on and I felt as if I had it the worst at one point; the ignorance I painted over my eyes blinded me. Months became the last few seconds of my innocence. I heard the door shut and my eyes opened to the ear-piercing sound of my brother wailing. I questioned him, “What happened?”, the question echoes in my mind to this day. Life as I had known it had ended, slowly but all at once. The climax of the fight scene, right when the last thing you would have expected was for the protagonist to get knocked down yet again. But that's when I realized- I wasn't the protagonist- or the antagonist. I was someone different in everyone's stories. But all stories come to an end. Esther's story ended, but she was still a light in mine. She was the sun that began to shine and the moons glow and the flickering of the morning stars. I suddenly realized that at thirteen, I thought it could not have been worse. I became a much quieter version of myself and fell back into pitiful habits I thought I had once lost. I hated myself for it. I was no longer scared of the future but stuck in the present. The sun no longer woke me up in the mornings, the moon was small looking and frail. The night sky seemed empty and the world was massive. Life was no longer living, but struggling to be alive. Feelings were no longer felt, but hoped for. Hope was fragile and small but still flickered in dark rooms. I no longer licked the snow, or wore Christmas pajamas. But: One day, another day, and another had passed. *in loving honor of Esther Morgan

Beautiful sunsets, slowly and gracefully outshining the dead. Crippling darkness… emerging from the long lost souls, trying hard to bury their last drop of breath. But nothing is to worry, for them are sleeping well, deep in the grounds where peace and light is always to be found. Darkness shall rise no more, but only love and light from the long lost souls, trying to find their way out, through the never-ending grounds. -inspired by my deceased grandmother-

Deep in the woods and far from the sun, I searched for broken pieces, long forgotten down the line. Overflowed but empty, hollow trees were passing by, waiting for the sun to light their holes beneath the ground and sky. Trembling noises restlessness roving like flames in the air, moving around the broken pieces which I left along the way. None to be seen, and none to be heard, but only broken pieces screaming louder than my raging thoughts. Little did I know that those broken pieces were never to be found, for they were deeply rooted in the corner of my eyes.

With the wind blowing in your hair and the sun shining on your face, one can find little to complain about. With the ocean colliding upon the sand and the shells spread around the beach, one should find peace. But there is no peace. As the mind forces thoughts, ones unwanted, on to the brain. And the body aches of pains of all sorts of origins. Bruises and scrapes litter the body. No one can be sure where they came from. Strangers don't stop to ask what's wrong. It may be strange for someone to be sitting on the beach on a cold winter day, but everyone has their own life. Everyone has their own issues. Nobody has the time to care. So, as you sit on the beach, with the cold air rushing through your hair and the sun radiating it's bright but frigid rays directly on you, you feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. As if the inside of you was just a cold bottomless pit. No end, no beginning. But empty. All that's inside of you is the dark nothingness that haunts you. It's like you don't have warm blood, circulating through your body. As you even feel cold to the touch. You could even think that your heart isn't pumping. Your lifeless. Motionless. Sitting there on the beach, anyone would think you were just mesmerized by the ocean. But your just trying to feel. Anything. You hope to be happy. To find something to enjoy. To fill the pit inside you. But it all seems impossible. How do you fill something that's endless? Something that doesn't even seem to want to be filled? The only thing you want to do is feel. But the easiest way to feel is through pain. So your left in what seems like an endless cycle of hopelessness. Nowhere to go and no way to get out. All you can ever feel is empty.

We've all experienced some sort of heartbreak. Some loss. Whether we felt it from the guilt of leaving our partners, or the pain we felt when our partners had left us. Truly caring for someone only to part with them later is more emotionally harmful than anything else on this earth. Mere days ago, I was informed by my dearest friend that my partner wanted to leave me. "You're single now," he told me. "He's upset with you, and he's tired of what you're doing." I felt my world come crumbling down from those few words. I would have understood if I had betrayed him in some way, such as cheating or lying about something, but all I had done was keep to myself in troubling times. I refused to rely on him emotionally in the case of him one day disappearing from my life, and thus did not burden him with my problems. Then I was told this. I can only faintly remember the last time I felt this way. "Okay," I simply replied with a deadpan expression. Yet deep down inside I was crying--screaming--and wondering why he'd leave for such a reason. Even before I began to write this I laid in bed and nearly bursted into tears at the mere thought of being without him. It hurts. After all we have been through together. It truly pains me inside. Now I pass by him in the halls, not daring to take a single glance in the fear that I may just break down once again, and ignore his very existence. On my way home I start feeling that emotion bubble inside of me, and it takes everything in my being not to explode right there in the middle of the street. If I must be honest, I feel very much at fault for this. If I just wasn't so stubborn and was more open. If I had just gave a more clear explanation to him on why I choose to spend time with only a select few people rather than him. If I had just told him upfront "I feel depressed, and I need some time away from us so I can collect myself again" or "This is just something that happens occasionally. I promise it'll go away soon. Just please be patient with me, I beg of you" or anything along those lines. Then maybe none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have the need to cry myself to sleep late at night. I wouldn't have the need to nearly collapse into tears each time I see his face. I wouldn't have the need to fake my hatred towards him, and mask my pain with fury. I wouldn't have the need to forcefully collect my being and throw myself onto another person just to forget him. This whole situation could have been avoided if I just said something more explicit and obvious to him. Then at times I also blame him. He understood, knowing me for about two years or more, that I prefer to stay away from most and hang out with very few when I am in these little moods. Yet he whined and chose to leave me over this. In fact, it was he in the beginning who would leave me to my own devices. It was he who would abandon me when I needed him most. It was he who would tell others "They're fine. Just leave them alone for a little while. They'll get out of this funk eventually." So why is it now, out of all times, that he is so furious for me simply understanding that it's better for me to deal with this on my own? Why is it that now, when I am the one who decides who I am with when I have these feelings, he gets upset? Who have given him these unspoken rights to control who I do and don't hang around when I am in no mood to deal with people including him? These emotions of mine conflict, and it hurts both my heart and my head to think of this. I know not of the future, but I do hope that someday all of this will be mended. I shall either join with him to figure this all out, or cut him from my life in its entirety and move on. Only time can tell what my choice will be.

We've all experienced some sort of heartbreak. Some loss. Whether we felt it from the guilt of leaving our partners, or the pain we felt when our partners had left us. Truly caring for someone only to part with them later is more emotionally harmful than anything else on this earth. Mere days ago, I was informed by my dearest friend that my partner wanted to leave me. "You're single now," he told me. "He's upset with you, and he's tired of what you're doing." I felt my world come crumbling down from those few words. I would have understood if I had betrayed him in some way, such as cheating or lying about something, but all I had done was keep to myself in troubling times. I refused to rely on him emotionally in the case of him one day disappearing from my life, and thus did not burden him with my problems. Then I was told this. I can only faintly remember the last time I felt this way. "Okay," I simply replied with a deadpan expression. Yet deep down inside I was crying--screaming--and wondering why he'd leave for such a reason. Even before I began to write this I laid in bed and nearly bursted into tears at the mere thought of being without him. It hurts. After all we have been through together. It truly pains me inside. Now I pass by him in the halls, not daring to take a single glance in the fear that I may just break down once again, and ignore his very existence. On my way home I start feeling that emotion bubble inside of me, and it takes everything in my being not to explode right there in the middle of the street. If I must be honest, I feel very much at fault for this. If I just wasn't so stubborn and was more open. If I had just gave a more clear explanation to him on why I choose to spend time with only a select few people rather than him. If I had just told him upfront "I feel depressed, and I need some time away from us so I can collect myself again" or "This is just something that happens occasionally. I promise it'll go away soon. Just please be patient with me, I beg of you" or anything along those lines. Then maybe none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have the need to cry myself to sleep late at night. I wouldn't have the need to nearly collapse into tears each time I see his face. I wouldn't have the need to fake my hatred towards him, and mask my pain with fury. I wouldn't have the need to forcefully collect my being and throw myself onto another person just to forget him. This whole situation could have been avoided if I just said something more explicit and obvious to him. Then at times I also blame him. He understood, knowing me for about two years or more, that I prefer to stay away from most and hang out with very few when I am in these little moods. Yet he whined and chose to leave me over this. In fact, it was he in the beginning who would leave me to my own devices. It was he who would abandon me when I needed him most. It was he who would tell others "They're fine. Just leave them alone for a little while. They'll get out of this funk eventually." So why is it now, out of all times, that he is so furious for me simply understanding that it's better for me to deal with this on my own? Why is it that now, when I am the one who decides who I am with when I have these feelings, he gets upset? Who have given him these unspoken rights to control who I do and don't hang around when I am in no mood to deal with people including him? These emotions of mine conflict, and it hurts both my heart and my head to think of this. I know not of the future, but I do hope that someday all of this will be mended. I shall either join with him to figure this all out, or cut him from my life in its entirety and move on. Only time can tell what my choice will be.

It took nearly a week for me to grasp the words for depicting my thoughts on the paper. Few things make our life embellished in such a way that we are unable to define them. I realized this fact after getting spliced to the one who becomes my reason for living. This is a relationship called blessing gifted by God enfolded with love, care, understanding and much more. I still memorize the day when I was inquired about my plans for getting married during the initial interview for my current job. I replied hurriedly: “I don't want to be a caged bird with clipped wing”. Today a slight glance on my answer makes me giggle. I still remember the unforgettable golden journey of my life with my soul mate. The scorching Sun of August with 54 degree in Dubai has spruced my life tome with lots of vibrant moments. Each instant was constructing a precious memory filled with his saccharine presence. Within a month we discovered the beauty of the desert land covered with glass scrappers and the marvels of 21st century. I loved the Big Bus ride with its briefing service about the places we were visiting one after other. We decided to take our meal while hunting for the best cuisine after getting exhausted on the first day of our excursion. On the way towards the restaurant, as we entered to the foot wear outlet I asked him unpredictably: “what are we doing here?” As we were planning to take our meal first, he said to get the pursuit sneakers for me, so that tomorrow I will be able to walk properly without any throbbing. How come he knows that I am not contended in these shoes? You make me whole; my heart whispered….It is care with no judgments. We had the best dinning outs right from Palm Atlantics to the cruise dinning's ---.Each cuisine was giving a divine taste because they were amended with the fundamental ingredients of his love and affection. There were two fascinated things I wanted to try at least once in my life, since my child hood: One was to hover like a bird on the sky and other one to swim like blue face angel beneath the sea. I still remember the paragliding at Jumeirah beach. It was my first ride of paragliding with my beloved one. That moment made me speechless because he was adventurous to do those things that I was enthralled for. How come he knows that I was dreaming of all this... I enquired to the God… I felt like whatever I was asking to God it was all diffused in his mind. The more we were flying up the more I was feeling like I am the luckiest wife on this universe, undeniably. Next morning another surprise was ready which he shared while holding my hand: “Let's explore something new!” I asked him surprisingly: “Like what?” He said, “Let's go for swimming”. I was astounded and the only reply which I would be able to give was my tight hug with thankful expression to God. I still remember my first dive while holding his hand and heeding to his instructions in the glinting blue wavy water of the pool. I took a long breath and came out of the water with the feeling of freedom and success while leaving all the fear factors behind. I can't believe I have done it. You drive me mad, I embraced him tightly while yelling with pride and contentment of a dream comes true. A relationship of trust with no ifs and thens. I kept all the precious moments of our trip in my mind to be recalled specially when there are any pros and cons for silly things… A self-reminder when a voice comes from my heart that “I am blessed”. He is the one who adjudicates me more than I evaluate myself. He guides me before I slouch down. He always emboldens my every single effort for doing something new and crazy. He is the one who can read my silence if any discord arises. I adore you and my love for you has grown by leaps and bounds by every passing day. I am chasing to filch the magical words for extracting my feelings towards my partner. Everything gets a side except his love and devotion. Life is beautiful and is the biggest blessing I am rewarded with. Life is not about hunting for Mr. Perfect, It's about enjoying it with the one who makes it perfect! I got mine whom “I love so much” and suggest you to adore yours.

People? yeah! I know. They're just come and go.

The night falls so one can dream; the day appears so one can work to make the dreams real. However, with the passage of time, the demands and duties of life distract us to another path of being studious and punctual, and so the dreams are left far behind, may be in the era we call “Childhood”. As a child, I wanted to make wonders. I took the opportunity to shape my future according to my dreams. Without prior knowledge of electronics, I made science models using circuits and LEDs of my broken toys. Every time I made something out of my scrap hardware, I just wanted to program the electronic chips according to my desire. And when time came, I opted the field of Technology to make my dream true. Only with time, I realized that my priorities have changed from making wonders to making handsome amount of money per month. A simple decade changed my goals and dreams from being realistic and passionate to practical and professional. As a child, I wanted to write poems on almost every natural and scenic beauty. The bright sunlight and clear, blue sky with white, snowy flakes of clouds after rain always inspired me with words. The thick, green coarse of grass on a hill with grey lake at the foot always instilled a wild passion in me in cold, moist winds. The gulps of cool breeze in a bright, sunny day through the windows of school bus with a view to seamless green fields topped with bright, yellow brassica flowers always, always suddenly rushed blood through my body and words, through my mind. On a hot summer day, when the long, narrow, completely deserted road gave an effect of Mirage, it took me to the deserts of Arabia where love is spiritual and affection is pure. In the long hot nights of summer,I always used to feel as a departed lover who have nothing but the memories of the beloved.I wrote what I could write at that time, having a firm belief that with time, I will get better. Only with time, I came to know that my pen has hit with a drought of words. Only with time I came to know that every weather or natural beauty which glorified my poetry has become difficult to be pushed through my rough hard skin to be felt and inspire. Later words came back but feelings did not. As a kid of age 4 I wanted to have a room with huge bed side window through which aeroplanes could be seen flying a little above the height of my house and moon could shine bright and smile at me. This was the illustration of my coloring book which kept me in fantasy and awe. Only 5 years later we moved to a house which was two kilometers from airport and planes used fly over my house. Being 14 years old, I got my room with wall length windows giving a view to the bright moon, which made me feel lonely, and noisy, big aero-planes. As a 14 years old, I wanted to travel to the magical places of this world which I used to imagine in my mind and believed they exist. This was the age where my heart was clenched hard with the dream to get out of home and see the world. As a 9 years old, I wanted to row my boat wearing my shorts in a long, lonely river full of greenery, on a rainy day. As a 12 years old when I first saw, “The Polar Express”, I immediately wanted to visit a foreign country to enjoy snow and Christmas. Later, as 18 years old I read “Night mail” by W.H.Auden which reinforced my dream to travel through train in foreign land. As 7 years old, I read in a story book about ice-cream sandwich and I could only imagine the taste it could give. As an 8 years old, I crazily wanted to go to Disney Land. As 21 years old, I got a fully funded cultural exchange scholarship to study in United States of America. I had a 14 hours from Dubai to Washington, and in the skies, I hardly understood whether it was a day or night. I was placed in North Central College of Naperville, Illinois. The campus had the entrance from a river-walk which was a long river having stoned sidewalks pregnant with lush green trees on the both sides. I saw it, I remembered my dream, I felt nothing. In my third week, I row my boat sitting in my long nickers with cloudy grey sky above me. I sat hours in the boat, I felt nothing. Every weekend,I visited Chicago and traveled through Metra train.I remembered my dream.I felt nothing.I got a chance to see a fair where first cart I saw was of an ice cream sandwich.The taste was the same as imagined but the feeling wasn't. In my Thanksgiving break, I had enough time and money to see Disney World but I chose against it. I remembered my dream to be ecstatic in a foreign land but with my friends in a night club, I chose to regard the dignity of the title I had: Cultural Ambassador of Pakistan. I have lost enough of the moments while feeling the absence of genuine feelings. Only with time, I have learnt that happiness is not necessary, having peace is necessary.