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In the morning, when the sun first rises and warms the gentle waves of the Pacific, a great fog rises towards the mountains. It reaches forward through canyons and over ridges, fingers desperately clinging from one rock, tree, creek, to the next. The sun rises higher and brings along the day's heat. The condensation breaks and dissipates, and the mountains ride goldengreen on the sun's columns of light. Come nightfall, the sun disappears, now hugging the great Pacific, and the chill comes back, and the ocean fog rises again from its domain under and overtop the waves. Its crawl this time unhindered, for what celestial authority watches it now but the weary moon? Six of us in a five-seater truck, the pressure of our bodies pressed against the others more than enough restraint to make up for the missing seat belt. The goal is in no mind. The goal is to see, to feel, to drive. The engine turns over and the lights come up. We take the king's road 101 to County Route N9, Kanan: Promised Land. The gateway to that land stands before us in its physical form as a stoplight, and inside of us as fear and hope, and a million lives we will never live. The fog obscures, but in that obscurity, forms become clearer because a new perspective arises. We are silent in front of the fog wall. The great red eye deems us ready; green. The engine hum now roars, and the night is ours. The canyon run, up and down, winding, tapered road, widening; a tunnel, another. Thousands descend and climb these mountains every day, towards leisure or business. Us? Our business? Leisure. We are fast, we accelerate out of turns, and the wind comes turbulent through the windows, blowing into our eyes, making a maelstrom of our hair. And the fog… The fog is an apparition, a ghost, a thousand-thousand ghosts, standing side by side, staring through hollow eyes, reminding us; these mountains were here before us, and they will be here after us, and we too will be eyes in the fog, staring at our scion , making their own way through the fog. Eventually, the winding ends, the geologies calm down and the final descent appears before us. The road bends gently downward, and a breath releases. We reach the end of the fog bank, and we are revealed to the coast. The wind seems less, though the mountains no longer rebuff the wind from the ocean. We turn down to a small lesser-known street, on a beach where there is some manner of seclusion even when faced with the expanse of the sea. Here it sprawls. The great treasure of the state of medleyed paradise. The cliffs and beaches, which to us seem trite, but are true in their beauties of resplendence and age. Now for us, as that roaring engine shifts down to a hum again, we are greeted by the old rolling, the barrel-down crash of the waves, and the airy simmer of its foam and the retraction and the push again. It calms us down and kisses coldly our feet and threatens to chew and swallow if we get any closer. Quaint is the ocean upon the shore, but unconsidered are the terrors that lay miles out; the storms and shipwrecks, the abyssal depths and mountainous waves. We are content with our gentle rolling shore. We make our way down, to coves each more secluded than the last. Each time we move the coastal bluffs grow taller over us and the incursions of the ocean grow deeper, and our beach narrows. We are one-by-one, weaving between coastal boulders, moving as a snake joined, not dead. The surf grows too close and the only direction forward is upward. Up we climb, a boulder risen from the beach, uneroded by the eternal surf, standing there, against the odds of a million years. This boulder, this rock, must be more than, must be willful and strong. Atop the rock, watching the ocean pool around us now, reaching the bluff, flooding our means of escape. We thank the rock for standing there despite everything, for providing our pant cuffs protection from the saltwater eddy. The ocean swirls beneath and one of us lights the end of a cigarette, the moon and her ocean reveal a beauty that is hidden to us by our own smallness, our focus on finding privacy, shying ourselves away. That sky lays me bare and tears me open. The sky seems a reflection of the waves, both lit silver by the waning light of the moon, waning in influence, for the lights of the city keep getting brighter. It is the moonlight that sings to me, that almost calls me out off of my rock and into the waves. It is the moon, and her children the tides who make me cry private tears, and who, bows her head in mournful regret and clears the fog away. It is a clear drive home. There are no more ghosts in the mountains, only dim stars above, and streetlamps to light the way home. That night, that moon, those waves, how many before me saw that same sky, that same fog and thought as I did, that they had never seen anything so beautiful? How many more nights like that will I have that transcend the conscious mind? I think not so many… nor so few.
In the short amount of time I have spent on this small planet we call home, change is something I have never been fond of. Unfortunately for me, change is everywhere. Even the tiniest amounts of this thing, such as plans being postponed, sends me into an endless spiral of panic. One of the first big changes I faced was in fourth grade when I moved from one elementary school to another one nearby. The schools were a mere seven minutes away from each other, and I lived in the same house so I still saw all of my old friends frequently. Despite this, I cried for at least the first week at my new school. I felt hopeless. Fortunately, there were fewer tears in my initial transition from elementary to middle school as I had friends who were transitioning with me. At the end of 6th grade, my friend group and I drifted apart and I was whisked into a new friend group entirely. While being in this group, I was transformed from the bright, colorful person I was into a far more introverted one. My entire personality changed, but I wouldn't admit that I was scared. Bows were swapped for hair dye and my daily use of eyeshadow and mascara suddenly ceased. I regularly shopped at Hot Topic instead of H&M. The most drastic change from that era in my life was the spontaneous decision to chop off the ponytail I donned every day since first grade. I didn't know how to feel at first, the decision was partially based off of the vast majority of my friend group's decision to cut their hair as well. I was unsure of it working on my naturally curly hair, but that was the first long-term spontaneous decision like that I have made, and I do not regret it. The scariest change that took place in my life by far happened in December of eighth grade. Naturally, I was in denial of it happening leading up to this change. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do and caused many hours of sobbing in my bedroom, refusing to face what I eventually had to. I was rightfully skeptical at the beginning of the process of moving, as the topic has come up many different times in the past and never fell through. Sure, I moved houses a couple of times, but nothing as drastic as this. I considered the tourist trap of a town I lived in my home for over thirteen years of my life. Not to mention, I felt like I had finally fit in for the first time since my old best friend and I were inseparable. As much as I begged and pleaded, nothing could stop my move from one tourist trap to another: humid South Carolina to sunny California. Despite many of my classmates being jealous of my move, I had never been more terrified. The first day I saw the bright yellow moving truck in my driveway was the day I certainly could not bear the thought of being at home. The usually happy color taunted me, showing me the unavoidable darkness in happy times. The drive there took five agonizing days of staying in different hotels and eating cheap fast food. I felt so alone. I had a panic attack when registering for my new school. It was about half of the population of my old school, so I feared being singled-out by teachers and my peers. My tremendous amounts of social anxiety grew more and more, and I clung to the first friends I made there, which probably wasn't the best decision as I quickly grew annoyed of most of that group. It took me a really long time to be able feel like I fit in at all here here. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to join clubs and make new friends. The best decision I have made to this day is auditioning for the plays my school had to offer. Not only did this get me out of my shell even just slightly more, I have met the best friend I could ever ask for. She makes all of the trauma I suffered so much more worth it. I could not be more grateful for the life I have at this moment in time. Change is still a scary thing, but it was worth it to finally face my fears.