Playing volleyball has always been a hobby that I love. I never expected to be where I am today by what used to be just a fun past time. I had to remember through all this that one can accomplish anything if they believe in their self. It all started the August before my freshman year in high school. On one average Tuesday morning, I found out one piece of information that would change the course of my life. First, I walked into the main gym, at Boswell High School, and quickly noticed that all the varsity girls swiftly glancing at me then quickly turning away. At that very moment I knew something was off, although I was scared, I kept going on with the day. Then, the tryouts began. Usually, there are three courts, one for varsity, one for JV, and one for freshman. Out of habit I began to walk to the west gym where the freshman usually were. Suddenly, a loud voice screeched “Caitlyn, come over here!” I quickly jogged over to the coach and he told me “Toady you will be with my varsity team.” As terrified as I was, I replied with a simple “Yes, coach.” As I walked over to the varsity court, I heard 12 other voices fill the room. As the drill began, I felt as if one thousand butterflies flew into my stomach. You could even say that one could feel the tension from a mile away. “She can't hang with us”, “Why is that freshman here?”, were the statements that were filling the air. Suddenly, the drill was underway. After an hour went by the tryout was finally over. Finally, right before I went to change and go home, a familiar voice called my name once again. The next seven words that were said changed the course of my life. Coach Lopez had offered me a spot on the varsity volleyball team. This had been my dream for years, and it had finally come true. I had finally realized that all of this wasn't just about a game, it was about how people are always going to try to push you down, but you just must get back up and preserver though the negative people that stand in your way. Overall this is by far the most memorable moment in my life, and one of the biggest obstacles I had overcome. Although, people had doubted me, I broke through the obstacles and achieved my goal.

There has always be a fascination with forensic science and the fbi for me. Even as a kid. I would wake up very early in the morning to watch forensic files, new detectives and the fbi files. I was obsessed. But i didnt know why but know i do i was ment to do this to help.

In the summer of 2002 the neighbour hood kids ( brither and sister, ana and nils,) includeing my self (we were the only kids in the neighbour hood at the time) would go to my living room after a trip to the video store and a swim to watch a marathon of the x files. We wiuld spend all day watching the x files. This is were my interest of forensics, forensic pathology and law enforcement. I did not know i want ti be an fbi agent or a coroner then soon languages got into the mix particularily russian and japanese. That was before high school when my big mouth father opened his mouth and said that i was ugyer, tibetan and himalayan. Now i am looking to learn tibetan. To this day because of events on the internet i have awoken the forensic pathologist so i can speak for the women who where not as lucky to avoid creeps and died because of them.

I want to go to never land..... an no I am not suicidal; just very tired and sleepy. I slept like a log but it's one of those days where I just want to fucking sleep. Like in Stephen King's sleeping beauties but in reality. This is what the fucking winter does to you when you hate the cold and have to take meds for CPTSD. I hate the meds. It's not that I hate the cold but there is nothing to take pictures of fucking flowers, which is a trigger to me. I say I don't hate the cold because a few years ago I , fed up with how people with PTSD were looked at decided to climb Everest. This has beeen fermenting since my diagnosis in grade 11 (high school). And when my mother found out she had lung cancer I want to climb K2 for cancer research and another mountain for survivors of sex crimes (lets just say if you are a female you need to take extra care on the Internet. ) the mountaineering bug bit me in high school.... now I have reasons. But for now I shall nap.

Four years ago. I remember this feeling. Tired, empty, solemnly cupping my shins in a bathtub stained with blood rivered from my wrists. Although I'm not self harming, I completely remember the pain and emptiness inside. That need for purpose. I honestly assumed that by virtue of following my passion and carving out my dreams into reality, I would get rid of this feeling I find myself in. While 2014 became a turning point in my life, making the decision to live for myself and not for the joys of everyone else around me, I'm back at in the same space, just a different context. Early 2018, and my emptiness comes from giving my career for everyone but me, to take responsibility. Owning my autonomy comes with owning my responsibility. Right now, I am where I am career wise based on my actions. Many things that inform where I am not, is based on me not acting on my talent or my goals. Things based on fear to starting. All of this is my fault - which is honestly the best news for me. Seeing that I am the cause of my unhappiness, I can also be the cause of my own fulfillment. I just need to own my responsibility in owning my space. This is what both makes me powerful as a human, and vulnerable. My responsibility in self is me determining that I am the master of my own destiny. I am the sole person that I get angry or frustrated with - and I find myself mirroring that with other people due to my lack of ownership. However, now I know. My inner self was only asking for me to stop creating mirrors out of others and face an actual mirror and see power within me. I fully understand why I moved from the space I was in to where I am now, and how my feeling of emptiness is not translating into a bloodied bathtub but rather a moment of stillness and self introspection in my journal. I am aware that I have transitioned into more healthier practices of mental healthcare, but the larger picture is being fully accountable of my life. This is the only currency to realizing your dreams.