It is no lie that Covid-19 changed our lives in more ways than just one. We had job losses, deaths, and even became secluded from our loved ones that needed us the most. Our lives became a nightmare for a year, and it is now just beginning to become normal. Well maybe for some of us. The ones I am referring to are the people like me who are still trying to find their soul that Covid took from them. Before the pandemic, I was a happy-go-lucky 23 year old that was on track to graduate college with her second degree. I was getting married in the summer, and life was grand. In a matter of a second my joy was ripped from me. The virus took over my happiness, freedom, and safety as an adult. I lost my internship, and had to find a supplement for the requirement. I lost friendships I was creating during my college years. I had to miss moments with my family that can never be remade. I had an ungodly amount of stress, anxiety, and depression that entered my life. It literally changed me into a person that I had no idea existed. I had struggled with depression in high school, but I had never had depression hit me that hard. I was in a dark spot, and wanted to give up on all my dreams and ambitions. I had to dig myself out of a dark rut. I knew I had to get out before it was too late. How was I to do that though? I had never dealt with such a high amount of anxiety, or fear before. My fears became small and big. I feared I would lose everyone around me to the virus. I feared that life would never return to normal. I feared that I would never see the places that I dreamed of seeing as a child due to Covid-19 being so violent, and devastating. It closed down places in a matter of weeks that had been standing for over 50 years, so I became even more depressed. I watched people lose jobs they have had their whole lives. My empathetic side started to come into play. It was horrific seeing individuals losing their homes due to job losses. People had to start applying for unemployment to survive. Unemployment became such a dire need that folks crashed the phone lines. Talk about a nightmare for people all over the United States. Needless to say, life became a game, and the outcome was crappy each time a person played. How was I ever going to get out of the darkness with everything going on around me? I still had no idea, for days upon days. However, I knew I was going to get into the sunshine again someway. Just I didn't know how. Until one day, I was shopping in one of my favorite stores, and I found a Chakra kit. I had always heard about balancing your chakras, but I had never looked into it. Well that day I found that kit, I made the decision to start my spiritual journey, and find my soul and spirit again. I was so lost that I wanted to give up on life. I debated on taking out my pain in ways of self harming, but then I thought what would that solve? A temporary stop to the pain that would still continue to be ongoing? Exactly! So, I knew I had to woman up and face my demons myself. I broke down, and talked to my doctor. I explained that I was concerned about my mental well-being. I was having nighttime anxiety that was creating insomnia. This fed a monster that I had not yet faced, and kept me in bed until 3 in the afternoon at times. I decided that I was tired of missing the days that God had given me to enjoy. This allowed me to wake up one day knowing I had to change. I knew I had a bigger purpose than what the darkness was allowing me to see. So, I decided to try a new medicine rather than the one I had been using to fight my PMDD (Pre- menstrual dysphoric disorder) symptoms. This medicine helped tackle the areas I was experiencing darkness, and allowed me to become my idea of what normal is. By tackling this aspect, I was able to start my spiritual journey which I am still learning about, and I hope to one day share that story with the world. So in conclusion to this madness I have written this beautiful July day. I am still a masterpiece in the making. Life is less hectic due to the slow down of the spread of Covid-19, so this allows me to work even harder to work on becoming me again. I am starting to see the sun peak through the clouds, but I know I have a little bit longer to go. I may want to rush at times, but honestly I am excited for the ride. Cheers to new beginnings, because I know I am ready.

.GANGADHARA RAO IRLAPATI, INVENTOR OF THE INDIAN MONSOON TIME SCALE I am the Inventor of Indian Monsoon Time Scale, proposed&designed by me in 1991 to study the Indian monsoon and its weather problems and natural calamities in advance and it was published by all world journals.But our India was not recognize me. Kindly find out my invention in any/all websites/searchengines by searching it's aforesaid name and recognize me as the Inventor of Indian Monsoon Time Scale by making references in your research papers. Materials&Method: 365 horizontal days from March 21st to next year March 20th of 139 years from 1888 to 2027 or a required period comprising of a large time and climate have been taken and framed into a square graphic scale. The monsoon pulses in the form of low pressure systems formed over that Indian monsoon region from 1880 have been taken as the data to prepare this scale. Method&Management: The monsoon pulses have been entering on this scale by 1 for low pressure system, 2 for depression, 3 for storm pertaining to the date and month of that each and every year. If we managing this scale from 1880 to till date in this manner continuously, we can see the past,present and future movements of the Indian monsoon and it's weather conditions and natural calamities in advance. Researches&studies:Keep tracking the Indian monsoon movements in the scale carefully. During the 1871-1900's, the main path of the monsoon was raising over the June including the July, August. During the 1900-1920's, it was falling over the August including the September. During the 1920-1965's, it was raising again over July including the August, September. During the 1965-2004's, it was falling over the September. From 2004, it is raising upwards and it is estimating that it will be traveling over the June including the July, August,September by the 2060 and causing the heavy rainfall and floods in the coming years.. Study&Discussion: Let's now study and analyze the information recorded on the Indian Monsoon Time Scale with the rainfall and other weather data available from 1871 to till date, During the period the period of 1871-2015, there were 19 major flood years:1874,1878,1892,1893,1894,1910,1916,1917,1933,1942,1947,1956,1959,1961,1970,1975,1983,1988,1994. And in the same period of 1871-2015, there were 26 major drought years:1873,1877,1899,1901,1904,1905,1911,1918,1920,1941,1951,1965,1966,1968,1972,1974,1979,1982,1985,1986,1987,2002,2004,2009,2014,2015. Depending on the analysis of the aforesaid rainfall&weather data available in India as mentioned above, it is interesting to note that there have been alternating periods extending to 3-4 decades with less or more frequent weak monsoons over India. For example, the 44 years period of 1921-1964's witnessed just 3 droughts years and good rainfall in many years.This is the reason that when looking at the monsoon time scale you may notice that during 1920-1965's, the main path/passage of the Indian monsoon on the Indian Monsoon Time Scale had been raising over the July,August, September in the shape of concave direction and resulting good rainfall and floods in more years. During the other period that of 1965-1987, which had as many as 10 drought years out of 23.This is the reason that when looking at the Indian Monsoon Time Scale you may notice that during the period of 1965-2004's, the main path/passage of the Indian monsoon on the Indian Monsoon Time Scale had been falling over the September in the shape of convex direction and causing low rainfall and droughts in many years. Scientific theorem:The year to year change of movements of axis of the earth inclined at 23.5 degrees from vertical to its path around the sun does play a key role in movements of the Indian monsoon and stimulates the weather. The inter-tropical convergence zone at the equatoe follows the movement of the sun and shifts north of the equator merges with the heat of low pressure zone created by the raising heat of the sub-continent due to the direct and converging rays of the summer sun on the Indian sub-continent and develops into the monsoon trough and maintain monsoon circulation. Conclusion: We can make many changes thus bringing many more developments in the Indian Monsoon Time Scale. GANGADHARA RAO IRLAPATI Email me: girlapati@aol.com WhatsApp me: 91 6305571833

This is my story as a 20 year old boy fighting depression and my choices. It all started when I was forced to migrate to Nellore from Chennai as my parents were in search of better educational standards in the school I study. But what they were really interested in, was to replace all of my extra-curricular activities with books, so I'd turn out to be a total geek and start the same old man-machine cycle. The cycle involves getting a high-paying job, serving as the ATM for a family for several decades, leading another descendant to starting this whole thing again and of course die a seemingly meaningful death. Ever since I reached Nellore, I felt my sub-conscious telling me all the time that it was not the right place for me. We landed in a creepy house, home to lizards, mosquitos, frogs, cockroaches, moths and what not. I got diarrhoea within a few days of staying but somehow my parents seemed to like the place. The school I got admitted into had a cemetery right behind it. All of these were definitely not good signs. I left the school within a year of joining after pleading my father. The next house we moved into was comparatively expensive but that's much better than a house of horrors, isn't it? I got admitted into a much smaller school but that's better than a big school with a bad omen, isn't it? Although I was satisfied that I could keep the past aside and move on, I always felt incomplete. Ever since I watched Dhoni hit the six and thus win the world cup for India, I kind of became a daydreamer. I either used to imagine myself hitting the six or taking the last wicket of my opponent team and winning the world cup in the end. I always used to request my father to help me join one of those cricketing academies. In reply to that, he would either hang up the phone or divert the topic. A few years passed and my high school was done. My parents immediately suggested on preparing for the JEE-Advanced test and joining a secondary school that'd coach me for that. I had to say yes and had to regret saying it for the following two years of my life. The secondary school had nearly 11 hours of classes a day and I used to feel hungry everyday on my way home. I performed extremely underrated and my parents used to yell at me at will, reminding me about the amount of money they paid so I could study and the problems they faced as kids. None of that got into my brain as it was already pre-occupied with un-fulfilled dreams. I didn't even come close to qualifying JEE-Advanced and that very thought made me feel worthless. In the end my mother developed anxiety issues whereas my dad developed short-temper issues, all of this as a price for migrating from Chennai to Nellore. I was heartbroken of the fact that while many other teens of my age were out there preparing for their U-19 trails and some of whom were playing the U-19 world cup and thus the IPL, I was aging really fast into probably a helpless old man. I joined a small under-ranked university and my parents were not too amused with that. Everyday they used to lecture me on how their relatives and my fellow-mates made it to prestigious institutes while I had to settle for something small. From that moment on, I got addicted to the pokemon anime which I was watching back then. After I saw the main protagonist Ash Ketchum loose one pokemon league after another, a spark got lit deep inside me. I wouldn't say it was much but It reminded me of myself and my failures. I felt like I was watching my story. So I kept watching of the hope that someday he'd win and that would change my fate as well. In the meantime I was able to convince my father into joining me in a cricket academy. Although I felt like things were slowly going in my way and I was going to do something extraordinary, I eventually realized that I was too late. My age criteria for the U-19 trails confirmed that. It tore me apart. In 2019, the spark that had lit itself in my mind years ago became much brighter as I watched my favorite protagonist Ash win his first championship after loosing six. A dream that lasted nearly 2 decades, reality! That gave me hope that maybe, success is nearing. This gave me a bit of confidence preparing for my do or die U-23 trails. But just as I was so anxiously waiting for my trails, the lockdown came as a party-pooper. Finally, I realized what my second chance was. I realized that my dream of playing for India was already done and had to be replaced by a new one. I decided that even if it means that I'm going to play for a different nation, I'll not give up on my dream. I planned and I executed. I got the highest package ever offered in my university but didn't settle for temporary satisfaction. I passed the IELTS test with flying colors, developed a really high profile on my CV, pleased my parents and am looking for my next country to land on.

It is a dark night like someone has poured black ink all over it. I am looking outside of the kitchen window adjusting my chin against the window's iron rod after finishing up my everyday household chaos. It has become a routine for me to stare outside of the window every night since she has decided to leave me alone in this earth. I have kind of figured out that in an entire day, emptiness and silence of this moment is what truly belongs to me. The electricity poll in the edge of the street makes a shadow when the deem light from our neighbor's garden reaches. I, just like every day, try or pretend to draw a human-like image around the shadow: an image of a holy spirit from the stories I have heard, an image of a soul wearing human body, an image of HER. I know it sounds silly, but I cannot stop grieving and I have been stuck in all the ‘could have' and ‘would have. I could have asked her how she was feeling when she was here or just silently stay beside her to let her know that she still has not lost everything. I should not have lost her to realize what I should have done. So why wouldn't I look for her? Why would she choose to leave me? Why she never thought necessary to let her daughter know what was killing her deep inside? Is she really in a better place now? Didn't she know that a part of me will die with her? I vividly remember someone said that ghosts, spirit and souls are only in our imagination, they are seen because they are inside of our head; It has been approximately 400 days that she has decided to leave me and I have been imagining and drawing picture of HER every night but the ghost inside of my head never jumped out of my imagination and showed up Infront of me. When a pigeon comes to my terrace seeking for food, I presumed that it is her in the form of a pigeon. But if it is so, when I tried to get close, why it would fly far away like it is going to disappear in the sky and never going to return? Maybe they are right, who leaves this earth never returns. But I have always wished for your return, at least once. I have a lot to ask…. I have a lot to say…. And again, I realize what is the point of asking and saying? what is the point of saying everything I could never say when she was here with me? What is the point of making her feel guilty for leaving me like this? If she tells me why she chose to leave, can I bring her back or can I make it right? Then, what is the point of digging into her suffocation that will do nothing but kill me a little more. And just like every night, when I am done looking for her, I say to myself ‘leave it' while closing the window. And when I am getting out of kitchen, I turn back again to check: Maybe I will see her tonight?

Some say I feel to much. others say its not enough. when you are feeling down do you run away or turn to pills to ease the pain? People say I'm fine just suck it up and smile. but my smile is a glass mirror waiting to break. just hiding behind is all my pain.

Depression fogs the brain as does humidity fogs the air. It causes one's view of the world to be warped into another reality, a dark, misty, reality. Depression, however, is not just a state of mind, it is not so easily fixed by yoga and clean eating. It swallows you up, chews, spits you out, and convinces the world that you drowned yourself, and you, and you alone, are responsible for your shape. It is a thief. Selfishly, it takes your job, friends, family, hobbies, and various opportunities hostage. You have ran a marathon with only 2 hours of training, climbed the highest mountain, dove into the middle of the Atlantic with no life vest. Save yourself, you are lazy, always making excuses the world says. If only they knew, if only you knew, what you have gone through. Maybe it would have been different. Maybe we could have saved you. My dearest baby brother, soft spoken, a gentle soul. He did not deserve the sentence that he was given. Depression is a gruesome punishment, not to be wished upon anyone, not even the person that you or perhaps the world hates most. He was a blooming tulip surrounded by barbed wire, slowly, painfully being torn apart. Petal by petal he diminished. Permanent damage, an act performed by the broken, shattered, weak souls that had been subjected to depressions horrendous beatings. You can't take it anymore, the pain and suffering depression has caused you over the years has racked up tremendous debt, debt you could never pay back. You are depression. Depression is you. There is only one way out. My brother knew the way, Drew, just barely 14 years old, had committed suicide. It is all over now. And just like that, my life, and my view of the world changed. Mortality, mental illness, and the meaning of life made their nest in my heart while my brain tried to comprehend their stay. Death wasn't meant for him, his soul was so precious. Suicidal thoughts pulled the trigger, when he shot himself, he shot all of us. The night I got the texts to come home, I knew one thing: Drew had been found. I had assumed he was alive. His date of death? August 12, 2015. 3-4 pm. Found? August 13, 2015. The passing of time was whimsical, but the night he passed had stopped all time. I had no idea that Drew had the option to stop the clock from ticking. Screams. After the news there were just screams, my throat hurt. I was alive. My fault. My fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault. I couldn't see. My fault my fault my fault my fault. A paramedic had placed an oxygen mask on my face. Heart beats racking my brain like a meat mallet, everything was just so aggressive. I was standing in the middle of a field, paralyzed, watching the herds of buffalo charge towards me. How I wish that would've been true that night. How can someone, the one who made me a sister, a bond for life, for goodness sake, his blood ran through my veins, how could he be gone… Clouds were messages from heaven. Cotton candy swirls were now passionate messages that conveyed the message that he, Drew, was alright. Hysterical, everything had transformed into messages from above. Feather hunting rituals, dragonflies, and birds on wires, he became. Grasping for air, I had known, but for the sake of my sanity, I continued. Anything to lift the weight of reality off the delicate heart. The brain had yet to catch up with it, for it had not received the news. This, of course, had created milky eyes and muted ear drums. My previous reality shattered onto the floor at my feet, and looking down, it was utterly unrecognizable. Not like it was wanted anymore, how foolish had I been! I had took upon a perspective not known to many that night, you know, the worst night of my life. I had never thought that death was an option, death was not real, I was so young. I grew old that night, Drew became forever young.

As someone who struggles with depression, the term one of those days has a whole different meaning to me. Today has been one of those days. It has been one of those days where I call it a win to have gotten out of bed. Where it was a Herculean effort to put one foot in front of the other and stay up and moving. When I wanted nothing more to lay down, pull a blanket up over my head, and not move for like a month. You can't do that in society. You definitely can't do that as a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom adds an element to depression I never knew before. On days when you can't even fathom taking care of the basic needs of yourself to keep functioning – you have to keep your kid(s) going. You managed to open your eyes – you deserve a medal. You sat up and considered getting out of bed. You deserve a parade to go with that medal. If you get up and out of bed, you get a party. If you get up and parent those days…you get it all. You won't care of course. All you want is to curl up, rock, maybe hum, under a blanket, listening to headphones, all alone. So you know, when you are feeling a little more up to it – medals, parades, and parties. Now add in a toddler who just wants to run, climb, dance, spin and play outside - then inside - outside - inside…you get the point. You get up and you manage to do all that - making sure your kid eats, dresses plays laughs and learns. You get all the accolades and celebrations in the land. Except here's the thing – you don't. I want to introduce you to the mind of a stay at home parent in the throes of depression and anxiety. There are days I wake up and every inch of me is screaming. Do you know what it's like to have a toddler dump all her blocks off the wagon, and use it for a skateboard? Exhausting. This kid never stops. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky. I have a healthy, smart child with a love of life. It's awesome - and exhausting. Her mouth also never stops. “Mama Up. Mama shoes, out. In. Snack, please. Mama Doc. You ok?" You know what you want and aren't afraid to make it known. Mama doesn't want to watch Doc McStuffins for the 150th time - if Mama hears time for your checkup again, Mama is going to want to run into a wall. When you're fighting to just function, excessively cheerful kids shows DO NOT help. Outside. Yeah. When you are in the throes of depression, the last thing you generally like is nature. Let alone playing in a sandbox, and then blowing bubbles and let's not forget playing drag baby girl around the yard in her pool because she loves it and you love her, but you don't want to even be out here let alone running in a circle. No baby girl, Mama is feeding you lunch, but on a normal depression episode day she wouldn't be eating so please don't shove that cheese stick in her mouth, please don't no, no and now I am eating a cheese stick. Around this time, anxiety will show its ugly face. You will doubt everything you do, say, act. Are you being a bad mom, are you letting your mood affect your kid? Did you make sure they ate right and enough, as you have no desire to eat? Are you taking them out enough because you hate being out right now - or are you going out too much to compensate? Does she need quiet time right now, or do you? Did you play enough and teach enough and love enough and discipline enough....and...and...and... So it continues into the night. You will inevitably lay awake at night while anxiety reigns, making your mind constantly go from one worry to another, examining everything for what you did wrong. Once you finally go to sleep though, depression will take over and you will start the cycle again the next morning. It is rarely just one day. Depression episodes last a while, often with anxiety. Besties – isn't it sweet. So to other stay at home parents suffering from depression and anxiety you aren't imaging the suckiness we're stuck with. Your kid(s) are the best things in your life, but sometimes, you have to force the behavior whether or not that feeling is there. Take it easy on yourself. You love them, you would do anything for them and sometimes the disease that turns your entire life upside down wants to take that away from you. It won't. You have made it through this disease to have a life, a spouse and kids – which makes you damn strong. So keep opening your eyes every day and making it about that kid. It's important for them and you. There is NOTHING in your life before them that could have gotten you out of bed on a day like today. That is powerful. That is important. That is lifesaving. You are NOT alone. There are many others. Just know whether you get out of bed today, or just sit up – I am proud of you. The episode will eventually end. You won't have to pretend to have fun chasing your kids around and dancing. You will have fun. You will treasure it in a way that parents who don't suffer from depression will never understand. I do. So here is your medal. Whether you're ready for it or not.

There come times where my brain falls apart. Not like the shattering of a glass on porcelain tiles or the decimation of an icicle hitting the sidewalk. No, it's not like that at all. When my brain falls apart it is slow. Like in the middle of the night when I feel my blanket sliding over the edge of the bed due to my relentless tossing and turning. I know that I could prevent it from falling and there are times I do. But there also come times that I don't. Instead letting it fall to the ground, hearing it hit the floor. Ignoring the chill until sleep releases my mind. There come times when my brain falls apart. But maybe it doesn't. Maybe I am the one who takes out the screws And wonders why it doesn't hold together.