Pomegranates thrive in warm environments that are tropical, airy, and carefree. The pomegranate has a leathery rough exterior that cannot be eaten. However, when you peel away the skin, an abundance of delicious seeds are waiting inside. This is how the eldest daughter is composed on the outside to themselves only. No one has peeled away the entire skin yet because she hasn't let them. The eldest daughter does not allow themselves to feel joy among their loved ones because they do not feel as if they deserve it. It might be a psychological aspect or something that has been ingrained by their environment at a young age but there always seems to be a hole occupying their heart. It always has a reason. Be better. Be better. Be better. BEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBEBETTERBE. Deep breath in. Exhale with a deep breath out. Look in the mirror. Wipe away your foolish tears. Put on a pretty smile. Drink a glass of cold water. Take another deep breath. Sling your school bag over your shoulder, grab a water bottle, and run out the door to catch the bus to school. Smile. Deep breaths. It will all be okay. I can make it better. I can be better. Reset. A ballerina figurine is a graceful and beautiful silhouette that keeps turning to the elegant tune that plays out of the box. She keeps turning like the eldest daughter who keeps on smiling, keeps on walking with a high head, and keeps swimming even though it feels like she is drowning. She is an actress, so skilled that she could play in A-list movies. Over and over again she gets hurt because she cares too much. She loves too deeply and as a result, the shards of the aftermath leave deep gashes in her ballerina skin. It's okay. The eldest daughter will always push herself back on her feet. It should be fine right? She can get hurt over and over again and it will be her fault right? This is her fate, to feel too deep and get drawn into every situation like a moth to a flame. The eldest daughter is a glass doll who looks identical to the youth of her mother. She inherits her father's temper but not his talent in mathematical skills. No, she inherits her mother's memorization and observation skills. She inherits her mother's patience. Her father's artistic ability. She wants to go into law in the future because she feels useless at math. So why would she choose law? Because it is the quickest way to earn money with a career. The eldest daughter feels as if she needs to treat her parents better than they treat themselves. This only hurts more when the eldest daughter is from an immigrant family. She is the oldest so she needs to be the best. It hurts when all her siblings inherit mathematical skills. It hurts when she knows they will all be in advanced math classes. It hurts when she falls prey to the voices in her mind that taunt her. It hurts when she knows she can never be as good as them. It hurts when they are prettier than her. It hurts when they are smarter than her. It hurts the most when it is clear that her parents act warmer to them because they are younger rather than her. It hurts the most when the eldest daughter lets them hurt her again because she loves them more than anything. She would do anything for them. Anything. The eldest daughter has to teach herself everything. No, not have to but needs to. Because no one else will. Whenever she brings it up to her parents they will tell her in a heartbeat that they can teach her but in reality, both of them know that they have better things to do than indulge in her questions. So she refrains from asking questions unless necessary. The eldest daughter, pomegranate, ballerina figure, and glass doll all have a common factor. One wrong move and everything will crumble, making the insides pour out. Every insecurity, thought, fear, phobia, hope, and dream. It will all come pouring out without being able to stop. She will do everything in her power to stop this from happening. So again like every other time: she will bunch all of those feelings up into a ball, shove it into a box, and throw it into the endless voids of the pits of her stomach, wanting them to be lost forever. And ever, and ever, and ever. In truth, there is no happy ending. There is no conflict resolution, unlike the many lectures she attends during MUN conferences. No prince is charming like the fairytales. But when all else fails, when everyone leaves, and when everything is in ruin, the eldest daughter will always be there for herself. Like always, she will force herself to get back up and trudge through the muddled mess of her life. And she will know that everything will be alright because she is the only one who will always be there for herself. Always the admirer, never the admired, The Eldest Daughter.