On Valentine's Day, I watched in horror students running with their hands up out of a school where yet another school shooting had occurred. I have followed school shooting closely since Columbine as my biggest fear is an active shooter situation and I work in a college. As more news came out about the shooter, my heart sank. He was adopted and lost both adoptive parents, one recently. I do not feel sympathy for this murderer but I do relate. I often worry about my sons. My beautiful carefree adopted boys. Being adopted doesn't end the pain and neglected feeling these toddlers experience from birth. My boys were adopted from foster care. They spent 3 years in the foster care system. Although both lived in my home for a majority of that time, my oldest son spent some time with bio mom during transition which ended up causing major regressions in behavior and attachment. My little 4 year old boy is obsessed with violence and guns. We have to monitor his every program and game. We see therapists about his violent behaviors and attachment issues. My fear is that one day it will be my son, my boy on the TV in the position of the shooter, not the victims. I try to tell myself it is irrational, he is 4 years old. I feel like I am doing everything I can to help him attach, show emotions, not react in violent outbursts, have outlets to express things but what if its not enough. What if the shooters mom did all the same things? I know some parts of our situation are not similar. My husband is very active in his boys life. They have a strong male role model not just in a father but in uncles and grandfathers. As a mother you never want to think ugly about your child but as an educated person with extensive knowledge in the affects of abandonment, attachment and adoption issues you cant help the thoughts. I write about his behaviors, thoughts, feelings. I ask him about things that are important to him. I let him tell me stories that I write in notebooks for him so he can express his imagination. I show him how to express his anger with words not actions. We don't spank which I am sure causes a lot of judgment but when a child has been abused and only knows violence spankings do not work. You have to know your child and the situation. I am sure if I had given birth to them that I would choose spanking but in his mind those spankings are not much different from the abuse he suffered. I was spanked as a child and I believe it helped me as I rarely did anything to get in trouble. My husband was spanked as a child and also led a trouble free life. That does not mean it is good for our boys. We tried to spank at first but noticed the extreme regressions our son suffered after barely getting a pop. This showed us that some kids have to have other forms of punishment. At 4 years old his offenses are not major. Tantrums on occasion. Hitting or biting siblings. Telling lies. His meltdowns are the real testing behaviors. He actually does the best in public situations, in listening skills and in opportunities to help others. He has so many strong qualities. I think I worry the most because of the mental illness his mother suffers from. I worry that he will get depressed easier. That he will be suicidal. That he will struggle making friends because of his intensity. I worry now about how to combat things that will come at him like drug use. HIs mother self medicates and I am scared the slightest teen experimentation will drag him down her rabbit hole of addiction. I mostly worry that he wont feel love, experience life and live fully.