My struggles with my addiction are struggles left to the unknown. I am not saying that people never knew about them, But what I am saying is that the extent of some of my struggles were never even discussed. The reason being I think is simply due to the fact that for so many years, I did not want to be told to stop and I also did not want another reason to go get help. Naturally, when you hear somebody cry out, your first instinct is to locate the source of that persons' pain, then act based off of that specific diagnosis. However, just what do you do for the psychological cries for help? The pain that you do not understand? What do you do when you cannot empathize and nobody wants your sympathy? I am not even sure if I am in pain. I am not even too sure if I have an injury to be cared for. I think that people like to believe that they understand my struggles, they think that they are all well-versed on the support that they need to offer in each and every situation/. If I am being completely honest, many people might even come to the conclusion that I do need help, without a reasonable doubt. So if you would like to trip them up, then why do you not go ahead and ask them why; “Why are they weary of my actions?” “Why are they quick to say what it is that I should or should not be doing?” Why are they so quick to give me regurgitated advice?” Part of the reason as to why I keep my minds' thoughts a secret is the fact that not one person can judge my choices, because they do not understand the place that I am in whenever I make them. I feel like science simply just cannot co-exist. People have another name for that particular practice; They call it “Psychology.” Think about this for moment… No degree will allow you to unlock the inside of a persons' mind and there is no amount of knowledge that you can gain on the way to that degree that will help you navigate my mind. Sure, you will come up with characteristics and traits that actually come pretty close to your theories and you will probably even use this thing what people like to call “statistics”, so then you will attempt to compare my story to the many other people that you may or may not talk to or hear about, but you will never have the ability or the curse to be inside of my head- No matter how close that your intuition might bring you. (I hate to break the news to all of the Ph.D. holders that might end up reading this specific article of mine). But my code can not easily be cracked. Let me guess, are you confused? Go figure. Here, let me use addiction as an example so that my point is understood. Addiction is such a powerful thing, something so many people have experienced and also some -thing that most of this planet's population is struggling with at this very moment in time and addiction is also something that you are certain that you understand. You have read articles about the physical, the emotional and also the psychological negatives. You have probably even studied the reason as to what makes so many people keep going back for more of whatever it might be that they are addicted to. However, Johns' story is not Jason's. Lilly's story is not Claire's and your story certainly is not mine. You know about the effects of crack, heroin, meth, cocaine, painkillers. You will probably never understand what it is like to have a strong desire to feel nothing, no nothing at all. You think that you understand the “why”, but the thing is that you more than likely do not understand and it is even more probable that you will never quite be able to comprehend; No matter how many stories that you read, no matter how many experiments are conducted, no matter how much time and effort that you spend on educating yourself. Let it be known that I am not trying to insult your practice or your intellectual ability. I am simply trying to help you understand there are things you will never know and that is ok because it is easier to understand now, before you get too invested in trying to figure me out. So I think that it is good to have an idea of what is what, so do not be discouraged and do not dis-continue your studies based on my accord. But just know that in my own personal opinion, I think ignorance is very un-attractive. So now its time to talk about me and my own struggles with addiction. Overtime, I grew sad and became anything other than happy with the decisions I've made in my life. My family, my friends and also other people that know me and whose opinions I remotely come anywhere close to giving a rats' ass about telling me their feelings has pushed me to seek counseling, which led me to an evaluation, which will also lead to an appointment with a Psychiatrist and which will ultimately lead to yet another diagnosis; The first of which since I have been an adult. The last thing I have to say is there is alot more to my addiction than the substance and the instrument alone. Thank You,