07202019 You were the first man that I loved. You were the only man who released the butterflies in my stomach and made them behave eccentrically. Since you became my Achilles' heels, I had been on cloud nine. Such emotions stopped me from thinking logically; I took every opportunity to make our paths meet. I had quite succeeded: you agreed to be my subject and took the tests I administered to you. I was very exhilarated by your presence, worried that you might hear my heart thumping loudly inside my chest. I was lost, yet I found myself drowning in my overflowing emotions. I believed that we had a future. Stupidity as others may call it, but I thought that your actions meant something – I thought that you liked me too. Yes, I was delusional. To believe in a world that is nonexistent, to see only the things that I yearn for: it was all injudicious. Whenever you failed to show up in a couple of our appointments, I had to make excuses for you. I had to because I want to make myself feel better: maybe you failed to show up because you had tons of things to do, or perhaps you weren't feeling well. I had denied the fact that you might not want to see me, that I might be interrupting your schedule. Whatever your reasons were – only you could answer. It's not like it still matters to me. Even so, I have no right to demand for your time. I never had. Back then, I never knew that I was holding onto something that wasn't even there. Repudiating the possibility that you might not have had the same feelings I had for you, I decided to confess what was I had been keeping under wraps. However, before I even managed to do such a thing, I discovered that you already had someone special. That person – a girl who had your heart – wasn't always around to keep an eye on you, yet I felt a more growing distance between us. I had accepted the fact that you had a girlfriend sooner than I expected, but that only lasted for just a couple of days. At first, I thought that it had been better knowing this in advance because at least I managed to avoid rejection. I thought I had drawn a clear line between us, which I can never cross. I believed that moving on will be easier since there was never an us. Given that we had never made a memory to forget, I thought that everything would vanish in just a snap of my finger. But then, the butterflies kept on reaching out to you. I became desperately in love with you. Knowing that you already belong to someone else only strengthen my desire for you to be mine. I had always been hoping that you and your girlfriend would break up. At that time, I desperately wanted to hold your hand, to clasp you tightly in my arms. I wanted you to lean against my chest and hear my heart screaming out your name. I wanted you so badly. No words might be able to describe how exactly I felt, but there's one thing I'm sure of: I loved you. Months had passed. I successfully made slow progress putting you out of my mind. Then one day, I was astounded of what I heard about you. Never have I thought that what was I hoping for would come true: you and your girlfriend had broken up. I thought that this might be a chance to have you. I assumed that the universe had finally heard what I had been longing. However, when my hopes are just getting high, I learned that the breakup was old news. It happened while I was still inside the void. At the same time, you never have had a very long time to find a new one. Your new girlfriend was your classmate. She was much closer to you, so she was with you almost all the time. I never had once seen you without her. Looking at you together was already enough to remind me that I would never be able to have you – ever. To make things worse, I could even see you doing the things that we supposedly are doing together. Whenever you hold hands, laugh, and tease each other, I always find my heart torn into pieces. I tried my best to avoid looking at you and avoid running into you. I thought that I succeeded because the pain had somehow receded. But seeing you was inevitable, and whenever that happens, all my emotions would suddenly pour down on me. Excitement, happiness, misery, bitterness – these feelings never changed. It always felt like the first time I saw you; felt like the first time I realized that you could never be mine. After a year, we both got occupied with tons of school requirements. We were both graduating students, after all. Then, before I could even blink, it was already graduation day. That means the chance of us running into each other is low. What seems to be strange is, it has been 42 days since I last saw you, yet you keep on appearing in my dreams. No matter how hard I try to make myself occupied, your ghost would find a way to ascend from the abyss to remind me of the things I never had. Maybe I shouldn't have suppressed the pain. Perhaps I should've let you leave on your own instead – even if it takes a lifetime. Waiting for the right moment, – jericrj