Sometimes you find yourself in places you should never be. Whispering lies just to ease the pain, not realizing the crime for which you must pay. A life long slot within my mind of all the times I held back the tears that night. Wishing I was somehow anywhere but there with anyone but you. When you beg yourself after all is said and done, let's not ever do a thing like that again. Still, some days you feel it just like it was happening. You're mind shutters and your body follows. How you couldn't have for seen this misery before. Damn, how some scars never seem to heal. They just cause you pain and lack of love for yourself. They make you question all of your future goals and paths. God, they just cling to you like life support. And when you try to forget, oh how you try. You try to walk away for time and healing, but they drag you back. Do you think this is you're own eternal fires of hell? Regret. There is such a lack of love for our own mistakes. Isn't if funny how we can forgive, genuinely forgive others for their mistakes, but you cannot let go of your own. Yeah, its totally crazy to me to. Sometimes I imagine its like trying to swing the door meant to go only one way. We just hit that see thru wall. We know holding it against ourselves isn't healthy, but how do you just let that shit go? I mean its all control, right? We need to feel in control of our own pathway. We need to feel like we cannot make mistakes. So when we do, as we are meant to, its so damn frustrating. Like couldn't you have for seen this in our DNA? We are too weak to simply move forward. We need to analyze it a little more. Always a little more. Because the philosophy that no art is ever perfect is actually quite perfect. As we are Art ourselves. We are the potential to be altered. The creation to be created. The masterpiece to be spectated at.

Sometimes our reflection isn't what it seems. The other day I saw it in my dreams. She was so lovely as a whole, but piece by piece the devil owned her soul. It may seem small so incomplete these pieces of her that are lessons of defeat. Like a pebble across the water she'll have to crawl to bring them back together. Just one skip and it all could fall to complete ruin despite it all. So, now is the time when the Raven's would cry to alert the plains, hush now my mind let's try not to be so insane. Yet, I wonder when the numbers crunch on and the tales are all told, when we're standing there with nothing but our soul. Could this masked task be the best benefit after all? Kind of like tunnel vision where you're falling within the fall just falling falling falling...Seeing shadows creep behind the walls because that isn't ever strange, no not at all. Those are the lies we tell ourselves when we've lost control. The hidden chambers within each of our souls. For we simply do not exist like one would think, we're on a pathway and it runs deep. So many tunnels, so many missed steps. Sometimes we do get caught up in the rapids. Not every channel leads to happiness. Thoughts that cross your mind over and over...does it ever make you wonder...maybe its not really your thoughts? Maybe it is the thoughts of another far off in this galaxy. Maybe they are your guidance in this external atmosphere. For what we feel inside, there isn't enough ways to make it real or appear. Certain times we find ourselves reaching out to moonlit skies asking for the answers, begging for someone to hear our cries. We're always looking out for someone who has just a bit higher frequency then ourselves. I feel like maybe we're not so small after all. Like just maybe I am a tad bit crazy for how I think for how I feel for how I tell my tale. Maybe if we cross a few more moonbeams we'll finally find that solution that we seek. We'll all find that dimension of love and happiness we only dream in our dreams. You know exactly what I mean. That realm your mind sometimes slips into. The pain doesn't exist, no noise...just silence. Almost like you're sleeping but what you feel is quite too exciting. Like how the water is so still as if no creature were stirring. How everything in life just freezes but still exists. This plain of pure bliss when you're eyes are closed and for a moment just for a bit you simply only do exist within it.

I've really lied to myself in the last few years. I've tried to hide behind fancy built walls. I've tried to lose myself in the time. I've resolved my bitterness to lyrics played sometimes all day long. Resisted the inevitable that we knew would come all along. Chased my dreams into realms of imaginary peace. Held together by promises I only speak within my soul. I've allowed myself to creep out of my own mind. Hidden behind those scars because I was to cowardice to compete. Let unspoken words tear me apart in ways I'd never seen fashioned. I've escaped a reality of pain and brokenness most could not fathom. I've held this heart together by a dozen or more threads of illusion. Always trying to pull the right string to get to the seclusion deep within my mind. Scraping together words for nothing other then the comfort of my own thoughts seeping out like wildflowers peeking out of sidewalks. I've tried to struggle within the silence of my fears the memories I'd left in despair. Trying to find the blinking light within the night of solitude. Responding to my own cries and refusing to live anymore lies. I'm only a woman, a soul, a hurt and aching child deep inside. I'm broken and lost taunted by images of my own creation. If only there was some way that I could claw myself out of such deep seclusion. I don't want to feel anything other then the dull ache of my own heart breaking. Just too keep it real. I need to know that I am still able to control my own deep feelings. I have to hold myself together to be stronger for the day will surely call tomorrow. If I don't rise up with the sun maybe I too will be forgotten like my memories they don't last. I need just one chance to say what has not been said before. Just one chance to let it all out like a violent rain pour. Let the pain free me from these chains.

Once upon a time ago...there was this girl. She was never okay. She held together by her own fears. Pieced together by the surface scars of others. She pushed herself to be the most imperfect perfect she could construct. She stood up to face an unknown so dark she contemplated leaving it all. Hiding beneath the surface inside of her soul she clung to hope. She wished her self well knowing an illness crept inside her bones. Always overthinking when she laid in the dark hearing whispers from afar. Hoping desperately for a sign to condemn the blind. Let them see where the darkness stood there is light! Leaping moonbeams to find the way to ease this pain. Seeing dark images in the windows on the stormy nights...Always trying to find a way to make it make sense. This world she lost herself so selfless. She couldn't keep it together forever. Eventually, those nightmares like hounds in the night caught her. They tore her down and shredded her soul. They stole flakes of her slowly. Tearing away at her memory. Reminding her she was a faded hopeless lost so easily. She couldn't keep it together right. Losing herself within this abyssal darkness where the chains were never ending. The pain was never easing. The fears were always waiting by the door. Her eyes strained in the sunlight and her once gentle heartbeat, thumping like the thunder rolling thru the hills in a hale storm right before the clouds part. Wishing some way she could hide. Escape. Lose herself within the stars. Paint her in the sky amongst the farthest moons. Let her create the walkway for the next girl to leap on moonbeams. Incase her story is like mine. She's gonna need a light to shine her thru the darkest of times. Where flowers just die. They never live long enough to make somebody smile. Time just dredges away when you can't find a way to spend it. I've been so lost so lost and full of pain. So afraid of changes, but change happened regardless. I have to face the way my life has dealt its last few cards. I have to make sense of the senseless. Directionless against the storms that come. They take our breath away sometimes. We keep secrets when we shouldn't. We fall apart in ways I never thought I could. Stripped down to nothingness. I wear these scars across my heart like mines in the field. They keep me fierce from the battles where I've been. I wouldn't wish the hell I've been thru upon any other soul. Watching your soulmate fall apart isn't for the faint of heart. But I've survived this much I know. I've walked the road and fallen so many times. The bruises that some of this trauma has left me with. The scars that I hide deep within. I'm finding that daily is a daily reminder. I sure do wish that I was stronger. Maybe my mind would have lasted a little longer. All that armor didn't help me in the end. To wear your heart on the sleeve is the understatement of my being. My soul is always feeling always searching always wishing for the better. I used to believe that our bodies are built with all we'd ever need. So in theory, I didn't believe we should share organs. Then my daughter was born. The God's and I have talked so many times. I was so wrong before. I was so closed minded before. Now there isn't one organ I wouldn't give, one breath I wouldn't share. I'd give her my soul. We don't grow up to be broken, but sometimes we are broken. It doesn't mean we cannot make ourselves into pretty collages overtime. Easing the pain of those scars. Making them look more normal again. But My God does it hurt. It is how I Imagine it feels for the butterfly to first burst out of the cocoon in the sunlight rays. Just wow. I have to learn how to be okay again with all of these changes in my life. I have to find me somehow. I need to find that smile I never had. I want to find that laugh when I snort.