I wanted this page to become my Diary. But I failed. I wanted to share all my thoughts and ideas here. But now I suddenly realized that what I need is a little bit different. I need some place where I can share my depressive thoughts and worries. It's strange for me, 'cause I always thought that I'm highly optimistic person. AND I AM. But we can't avoid pessimistic mood, and we mustn't ignore it. It can destroy us from inner side. The reason why I've decided to come back here is my boyfriend (and my best friend at some point). My boyfriend claims that he has neurosis, he has insomnia, he suffer from lack of purpose in his life. And I'm helpless. I don't know how to help him. I've already advised him to find good therapist and do something with his mental state. Sometimes it seems to me that I'm talking with walls. I'm not sure that I'm in love with him (this sentence was really difficult to write down, because I can't be honest with me, I guess). I'm not sure I've ever been in love with him. I'm not sure I know what LOVE means. But I feel responsibility, I DO care about him, I DO want him to be by my side. But I want someone to care about me, someone who can solve my problems or at least tell me that everything gonna be ok. I don't want to hear about troubles which are not mine, because my troubles are much more important for me. A couple of weeks ago I've faced emotional burnout. That was awfully strange for me. I felt like something died inside my heart. I couldn't help crying, tears just dropped from my eyes and I couldn't find out why. This salt water just was dropping. I don't know how to finish this stream of unrelated speech. I just wanted to open my heart. Don't blame me for that. P.S. I'm not sure I feel better or worse after writing all this words though. But I'm sure that I wanna do this once again

Hi, my dear Diary! Today was a great day! I've found a flat, a perfect one. You can't imagine how happy I am now, how proud I am now. I'm really proud of me, because I did it all by myself (of course, with support of my friend). I found a flat, I had terrible negotiations with owners and got rid of dozens of realtors. I have about 20 phone numbers of them and I don't want to contact them anymore. But I still have one problem: we couldn't find roommates yet. But we'll definitely find them, it's much easier than find a flat. And one more thing I did today. I've finished the interview for my mom. But after this I'm a little bit worried about her and her mental state. She has a lot of problems with her business and I don't know how to help her. I'm not a profi in trading and selling, but I do want to protect her from pressure of society. I know how difficult it is to do business for a woman. She must not only make money, but also take care of her family. My mom has 3 kids, and I can't imagine how much courage she has inside her heart. I'm so proud of her! She can deal with everything! Hope one day I'll become as brave as she. And one more important insight form today: my mom really trusts me. She shared all her worries and fears with me today. I appreciate it. And I consider her as my best friend

Hi, my dear DIary! I missed you a lot. This week was quiet busy. I recently came back home from small business trip. I was working with my mom in Cheboksary. I know this job is nto really my thing. But I want to give my mom support, I see hwo she needs it. Unfortunately, dad can't accept her new profession. But can we blame him for it? Of course, not! He's just too conservative, as all children of Soviet Union. Wanna hear a stupid story about me? Whatever your answer is, I'll tell you. Today my dad played a mean trick upon me. When I came back home today, I found out a big surprise for me in the fridge. My dad caught a lot of fish! Now we have milk with a flavor of fish, cabbage with a flavor of fish, even ketchup smells like it's made of pike. But the most awful thing is that I had to scale these fish all by myself! My brother helped me a bit, but still... Oh, I forgot about funny story that happened to me. I don't know why, but one stupid question came to my mind, while I was scaling the fish. How sharp are the pike's teeth? Well, now I know the answer, and my finger also knows it haha! Now let's move to more serious things. I have great plans for tomorrow - I need to rent a flat in Kazan. At least, I need to find one. Tomorrow I'll check some variants. Wish me goodluck! And in the evening, when I'm back home, me and my mom wants to pickle cucumbers and tomatoes for winter. We'd already bought 50 kg of tomatoes! 50 kg!!! God give me strength and patience to survive tomorrow! And one more thing that bothers me: this summer I started to each English for kids. yeah, I'm a tutor. But I have to skip classes, because I have a lot of things to do in the city. Dasha is calling me every day! She wants to practice English, but I don't have even 1 hour for her! Maybe next week will be easier...

Hi, my dear Diary! It's been a long time. Several years ago I shared all my thoughts and insights with you, you knew all my secrets, all my worries... Do you remember my first love, my music school (how deeply I hated the piano haha), how nervous I was before exams at school... At that time I didn't want to share my feelings with anyone (even my mom), but a couple of days ago something had changed in my mind. I need someone to support me, someone to give me advice or someone to tell me: "Liza! you're crazy! What are you doing! Stop it! Now!" Well, let's get started... The most important insight for today: "STOP PROCRASTINATING!!!" No, really, stop it. I have a lot of plans, a lot of things to do, but I do nothing, I'm just chilling and watching korean doramas. What I need to do first is to finish the article for COLORIT media (yeah, you heard right, I'm kind of journalist now). I have everything prepared: I have already interviewed 2 girls for this article, I have an excellent editor, I have enough time...But for almost a month my google doc is blank. And I hate it. It's like i have two tiny creatures on my shoulders - Angel and Demon. Angel whispers to me that I MUST finish this article today, but Demon's whisper is mush louder. It seems to me that he's shouting: "Liza, just relax and take it easy, continue watching doramas, no one will die if you don't finish it today, tomorrow or even in a week..." I don't want to go to the dark side. Please, save me! Help me!