People who tend to sit near a window are physiologically in the midst of escaping something. That is what my history teacher told us on the first day of class. I have thought about escaping the world more times than one, but that day I was ready for everything to end. I walk into school with the intentions of having a good day, but something always goes wrong. It's girl drama, but it becomes so bad that it makes me question what I have become and why I even suffer through it. Today, I wanted it to be over. I walked into the crowded school cafeteria to join my friends, but none of them were relieved when I showed up. It wasn't that I had done anything either, it's just that I was guilty by association. Because I had spoken to a girl, they all hated me. Why? Because my “friends” are petty. The summer was refreshing. I spent two months away from the lies, rumours, and opinions that were spread around the friend group. Then school started. That first day back was even worse than I thought. Sure, I may have looked the part, but my head was spinning. By the time I had gotten to the second half of the day, I had already considered all of my alternate options. None of them would have saved me from the public high school drama. Except for one. Of course the word scares me, but I needed a way out of the thoughts that consumed me. I was scared, but I had considered it. I hate that about myself, but I thought about ending all of my pain and suffering. Except I had sat on the complete opposite side of the window, thinking nothing of it. I knew that it was not the time to end my story. I still thought about it everyday though. Especially today. It seems irrelevant, but I thought about ending it after I got home. But I couldn't do that to the people who loved me. And I couldn't give that satisfaction to the people that didn't. What would it be like without me? Would anybody care? I mean it seems like all that people really pretend to care about are the people that show their “emotions”. It seems to be that people just try to destroy others' lives. And that's exactly what they had done to me. I wanted to escape to another world, one where I would not have to put on a smile so people didn't call me dramatic or sensitive. I wanted to escape to where I wouldn't have to suffer both at school and at home, or hate myself every second I was alive. There isn't an escape though. I wish that I could talk to somebody about how I feel about everything. But my mom just yells at me, vand my guidance counselor thinks I am perfect. I wish I didn't feel like crying everyday I come home from school. I wish listening to depressing music wasn't a way to disguise the pain to everybody else. I am not weak. Except I am. Behind closed doors I cry myself to sleep. Behind closed doors, I try anything and everything to make it all okay. But I am an honors student, with straight A's, holding the one piece of my life accessible under the best control I can possibly manage. But what is an education without a functioning human to stand behind the letters? It's pretty obvious I am not happy with my current life situation. But there's nothing to do about it. I guess there's only three more years of this until I can escape into a whole new world of college. But I am not sure if I can wait for that long. I have thought about giving up, so what's gonna stop me if I actually do? Cause according to everybody, I am perfect and as happy as a clam. Would I still be here if i weren't for the one thing holding me here? Honestly, probably not. I suffer for my best friend. I hold all the pain in for my best friend. I am strong for my best friend. Because I can't ruin her life like that. She is everything to me, and she makes it all okay. At least for a moment.

There's a moment in your life where you just feel empty. Everything just becomes a game, and the end doesn't seem worth it. In the game of life, there are distractions, but one thing never makes you want to quit. But yet, here I am. When I was little, my mom started her journey to find love. Not the “love” that my father had disguised himself with when they got married, but true love that would last until she did. She got remarried, but I don't believe that this is the end. Barry is malicious, manipulative, and quite frankly, he is downright despicable. I haven't liked him since the second he opened his mouth when we first met. Any of the other guys she dated never made me want to vomit everywhere. Never. But who's to say that she will leave him? I told her that it wasn't ok but she thought I wasn't serious. She knew damn well that I hated him, but just thought I was kidding. No, it wasn't ok with me for her to marry a terrible human. But yeah, I was kidding. He lives with us, but fortunately, works late, so I rarely have to see him on the weekdays. But two days a week, he doesn't work and my mom thinks that forcing the “family” to spend time together will repair our relationship. I really don't think that I will ever be able to accept him into our 3 person family. Numb. It's how I feel about everything. I mean sure I pretend like it's all perfect around them. But that's because I am scared. Scared of rejection. If I tell them how I feel, he could hurt me, or even worse my mom could reject everything, just like she ignored my multiple warnings. But hey, if she would rather live her life being miserable because of a terrible person then that's her choice. But why does it hurt so much? I want it all to end. Everything. But it won't. Maybe if I just say that I'm sick all the time I won't be forced to “enjoy” the family. Or our so-called family. My mom's entire side of the family doesn't like him. But she didn't listen to her mother, just like she disregarded anything her own daughter had to say. The same daughter that she said was her first priority in life. Until he showed up. I try to brush it all off, but sometimes I end up breaking. I can not even go places anymore because of the pure hatred and numbness I feel. I stress myself out too much about seeming perfectly fine, until I feel the food I didn't eat coming back up. Then I feel sick, tell them, we turn back around. I have days where I can pretend I am ok, and the ones where all I can do is pretend i'm sick. “I don't feel good,” is the most used lie, at least in my world. Today, I wanted to just scream. Scream out of pain, out of hopelessness. But I couldn't. That lets them into my world. My world is suffering, it's close to its end. The people there would rather die than live another second. But the door to death is held shut by the one happy thing in my life; my best friend. High school is rough. Teenagers are the worst thing to exist on this planet, especially teenage girls. They enjoy watching other people slowly start to hate themselves more and more everyday. Because of what they have done. “Friends” start fires and watch others go down in flames. I'm not gonna lie, I have wanted it all to be over after I was left with what seemed like nothing. But from that emerged an old friendship I missed so much, and was grateful for it back in my life. Tears stream down my face behind closed doors. Because the end seems worlds away. I will always have to live with a man that hate doesn't even come close to the resentment I feel towards him. The last thing I would like to do is go back to school in the fall. But like everything else, my mom ignored my pleas for help. I am not strong enough to survive another year in a whirlpool of drama, constantly making me question my worth. If I had the option, I would move, or completely disappear from the world. I don't have a plan for the future anyways, so according to my mom's husband, I am just deadweight to society. I want to run away from home. It isn't safe for me there. I would rather be anywhere else but in a house where I question the value of my life everyday, and why I am even still around, all because of one person, and the other who he decided to ruin. It's not healthy for a fifteen year old girl to cry herself to sleep every night. But nothing is going to change, so why waste my time? Nothing will change, so why use my voice? Nothing will change, so why should I try? Nothing will change, so why bother? Nothing will change, so why not disappear?

there's sand in between my toes, woah isn't that neat? the waves are crashing against the shore did you get it yet? well i'm at the beach. can the same 3 notes in a song, get even more annoying? the answer is yes. there's basic white girls of all ages trying to get a tan, they never will have. but, the most interesting thing was just two nerds and a metal detector.