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I create my own worlds to escape ours.
Choice - Writing Contest
Aug 31, 2018 6 years agoI wasn't always so anxious around people. When I was younger, sitting still was not a problem. Being around people was no scary to me. A lot of kids had trouble sitting still, but I never understood it. I had lots of friends, too. After the incident, of course, things changed. It sucks when you don't get to make choices for yourself. When others around you always make choices for you, you really forget how to make your own. It's different though, when choice is completely out of the question; when you have no control. When he held me down and I could not scream; that wasn't a choice. When he grabbed my body and I hit me if I squirmed; there was no choice. When I cried out in my mind, but he was the only one there. No one would ever choose that for themselves. After that, the loss of choice made me lose my mind. I couldn't sit still yet I could not move. There was nothing anyone could say or do that would snap me out of the deep hole I was trapped in. I watched in horror as my brain threw itself off the cliffs of sanity and into the bottomless pits of crazed depression. I could do nothing, and I could not tell anyone. If I had, he would probably come back for me. My mind would scream for help, but no one was there and no one could be. It was all my fault, anyways, why put that on someone else? No one in the world could convince me otherwise. Or so I thought. Almost two years later I met a boy. Now, I had been with boys before, but my hidden PTSD kept me feeling on edge, and ruined my relationships. This boy felt perfect for me. He snapped me back to reality. I thought I loved him, and he told me he loved me. Only after he hit me, or he snapped at me. It was his apology. After he gave me that black eye: "I love you, Jenna." It took me too long to realize what I was in was wrong. He cheated on me, and I had to live knowing that even though he hurt me, abused me, put me down, and I let it all happen, I was not enough. When I said I was depressed before, it was nothing compared to then. Hurt twice, abused twice, touched without consent twice. It was like clockwork. So when I met another boy, I pushed him away. The men in my life always hurt me, so why should he have been any different? Except he was. This boy supported me, loved me, cared about me, and helped me. He would hold me tight when I was having a panic attack. He would soothe me when I had flashbacks. He helps me when I forget that the pain is over. He lets me steal his jackets when I need something to hug at night. He doesn't mind when my tears and runny mascara stain his shirts. He treats me with respect and loves me. I never thought it possible to find someone who pushes the pain away. I thought it was impossible to trust a man. And if you have been through this, I am writing this to you: Don't hide away. You will hurt, but there is someone there for you. Cut the negative people out of your life. Do NOT allow abuse. You are stronger than you think. So many times, I was close to ending my life. So many times, I hurt more than I could possibly imagine. Yet here I am. I am in control and I have someone who supports and loves me. There is always someone who will support and love you, even when you think it is impossible.
