-
Usernamedilobar
-
Password
Leave password field empty to keep your existing password!
-
Confirm Password
I opened my eyes and saw the familiar street and block of houses. What am I doing here? I was walking... but I didn’t know where. It was the back street of my apartment in a little town. I know these places very well; I grew up in these streets. Old buildings, damaged roads and open market nearby. There are always cars parked on side roads. Ooh, I know this place too well to forget. There is a flat where I used to go to learn dressmaking when I was at secondary school. It looks like an old man who looks sad and poor with eyes that lost its light. It seems nobody takes care of this place. I noticed that the door is open, and some people are walking inside. Strangely enough I realized that it was my destination. I entered, not carefully, like it was my house. I hear some people chatting. The living room was empty, so I went to the room where it seemed there are people. The place is not light, it is rather dark although it is sunny outside. I approached the room and glanced inside. There I saw familiar faces. My eyes landed on the most familiar and dear face of my mother. She was there. Sitting with the neighbor woman who she finds friendly enough to spend time. After everything that happened, after the day she died, leaving behind all the uncertainty and the pain. And there she was, on the traditional dress that I made for her, one of the very few dresses that she had. She was talking and laughing it was obvious that she is in the good mood. As if nothing happened, as if she did not die a few weeks ago, as if she is still there. She saw me finally, and smiled calling me by my name:
- Dilobar! Darling come here. What are you doing at the entrance?! Come inside, come to me.
- I am just standing. Mom?!What are you all doing here? Are you drinking?
- See, we are celebrating the day. You finally got your diploma. Come let me kiss you, darling.
She made me to come closer to her, holding my shoulders she first kissed my cheeks and then pressed to herself hugging me.
I did not feel her. I did not feel the texture of her skin, her lips on my cheeks, her hands. I only could see the face that I was given a chance to see only for 18 years.
Then I understood. Figured out why I was there, why she was. She visited me to congratulate by receiving my high school diploma.
In my 24th, sitting in frond of the desk and reminiscing dreams that she (my mom) visited me, makes me wonder how different my life was just a few years ago. A girl who come from religious society, who was brought up by two women. Who spend years in wondering, seeking the purpose of her existence? Constantly questioning the common believes of the society. Seeking the reason why things are in the way that they are. Yet does not know how to achieve everything that she dreams about at night when she puts headphones and dances to the songs that are so dear to her.
They say, empty pocket and hungry stomach will teach you a lot of things. I never experienced those things. God blessed me by surrounding me with the love and the care of the two women. I witnessed people who were in such situation, though. It was always tough for them. It was literally survival for many people out there. However, they never knew that they could have live in the better life. It was normal for them. It was usual. They laughed every day, danced, shared jokes, visited each other and gossiped under the cup of hot Asian tee. They were happy. They are happy, indeed.
There are lots of things to tell about our life. We are all special for ourselves. Our life is important. It might sound selfish but its true that in the center of our life is we and our ego. That is the thing that pushes us to self development, to be better. My ego also did not allow me to stay where I already was, in the level in which I already was. I wanted more, better. I wanted to become someone. The reason that I am so far away from home. My journey just started. All our journeys are just started. It just needs a piece of paper and the pencil!
Dilobar.
Human Being.
Lucky,Unlucky
Jul 23, 2020 4 years agoLucky, unlucky. We were three in the room; three shocking faces were staring at each other. We could not believe the words that we just heard; corona-virus was in the city! I remember how many feelings went through me when I heard the words but the most intense was uncertainty; What now? No one knew what now, and at the same time everyone knew; the city would be under quarantine, it was just a matter of time. No one knew how the pandemic will impact their lives, especially when you are far from home. Fear is a strong feeling and crucial for survival. I would call the fear utmost feeling than motivation. It was fear that led me to do the courageous things that I did, the fear of losing my dreams and living the life that I don't want. I acted out of fear, not motivation. And it was again fear that made me stay in Latvia in the time of the pandemic, it was fear that made me find a job as soon as possible, it was fear that made me use the public transport every day to go to work, I acted out of fear; fear to lose what I have, to give up. The pandemic hit everything and everyone. Before it hit us emotionally, it hit us financially, we lost our jobs, our plans were ruined. And it was not a time to rely on someone because someone also was already hit by the situation. Just in a few weeks, I had to make so many important decisions than I ever did in my life. There was no time to overthink, to suffer, to pity. It was a time of actions, decisions, and consequences. I decided to stay in Latvia, the priority was to find a job, I knew if I head back home, I would not be able to come back: it was too much risk. In a split of a second, long-term plans gave way to short-term plans: surviving the crisis. Afterward was just a fantasy. FUTURE was just a hope, hope that everything is going to be alright. Plans of traveling, working, saving money for studies were no more a reality. At that time no one cared to think about how we are going to deal with the issues that will come later. “I will cross that bridge when it comes to it”. Things were not that easy. When I want to talk about my family only one thing always comes to my mind: you the only one who you can rely on. Pessimism is good sometimes, when we realize that we the only ones who solve our problems, we'll be less disappointed. “Why? Why me? What if things were different?” the questions that coronavirus left everyone, at least me. Another wave that pandemic caused was emotional, the hardest one to deal with. It was the time when I was exhausted when the determination was worn out, and only frustration was left but the situation still was not good, problems were still there, coming. Instincts were surrendering to despair, ways were closing from all the sides, the mind was tired, depression was coming. Maybe it already was there, always been there. It takes only one pointing finger at you of your family saying “you can do nothing” to take you to the point that you think you can not dig yourself from. Emotions are pretty powerful weapons. Yet, I was not sick, I was still where I was, I still had a job, I was still on my way, that was important. There is a good phrase, there are actually two good phrases: “nothing lasts forever” and “everything that does not kill you makes you stronger”. Strength comes from experience, not from muscles, I figured this out. In the end, I would say “It was my journey through the pandemic” but it is a bit early to say that because the journey is not over yet! So, I say what I can say: wash your hands and keep a distance of two meters from each other.
Load more
