He made wanna be a good person, made me want to better myself. A great part of me was super lazy and honestly i had given up on love. I had lost all hope and accepted that i was going to be alone. But every time he called i felt it in my chest. Every time he texted, i felt in my chest. I do not know what i felt but i can tell you for sure i felt something within me. Was it hope, love or believe that at one time i was not going to be all alone. Because honestly i have been alone a whole lot of times, and it hurts. No amount of money, food or TV can feel the void i always feel but a simple hi from him made me forget. Forget about the loneliness, the pains and the regrets. It made me forget about the many things i would take back if i was given a chance. And because of him i was always hopeful, but he would never know. He would never know that i love him, that i care for him, that i'm crazy for him...............

My cycle of dreams were like , at first i wanted to be an astronaut, 2ndly wanted to be an aircraft engineer, but i ended up being an Accountant. Not yet professionally an Accountant but that is where i will end up. Being an Accountant is not bad i love it but i did not really choose it. I often wonder when exactly i stopped dreaming. I had so much potential growing up and so many dreams but when did i stop dreaming. when did i give up on my dreams.Every time i look back and try to figure that part out i never remember the exact moment but i do remember the cause of me giving up on my dreams. As a Zimbabwean child living in the ghetto, being an astronaut was just a childish dream, as soon as you start going to school that dream was just going to fade and be lost because the more you say it was the more people looked at you and give you those "you are still young to know looks" until u realize what they were trying to say. So yes that how that dream died. Being an aircraft engineer was The Dream, my end game. It was where i always saw myself at 25 being one of the leading aircraft engineer in Africa. One could say i was a dreamer. But that dream died in high school, after the ultimate humiliation. I was selected to be in the sciences class. This made me super happy and it meant my dream would go on. Later that same week we were re-screened and i was moved out of the sciences class into the commercials. If you have never been to be on the receiving side of bullying you would never understand what that did to me. I was laughed at. People made awful jokes about the school realizing you are not that smart after they put you in the smart peoples class. After a week or two i was given the option to go back into the sciences class but because of the comments i was already receiving over the humiliation of being removed out the class i chose to stay in commercials class. Because of somewhat bullying among my own peers i gave up on the dream i had for as long as i remember. Often i wonder what would have happened if i had been confident enough, if i had been bold enough to ignore the comments from my peers. Would i have been an engineer today? Where would i be?

You know growing up nowadays the technology is excessive, most people my age enjoy abbreviating words, creating acronyms and all that. Every now and then a new acronym is created and if you do not know it you are backward and often asked what century u r living in. Yes, technology is beautiful and new things are nice always and we are enticed by them but with all the emoji's and acronyms that are always brought up here and there I find it hard to connect with the next person like I used to do back in the days of texting and writing letters. Someone would think I am too backward but kids nowadays will never know the value of a simple letter writing and receiving the letter a few days later and the effect it had on you. Whenever we used to write to each other one would try to make sure the other person gets a clear picture of what the writer was going through and all that one was thinking about. This made us connect on a whole new level. This made us understand each other more than nowadays. I am a very sentimental person and I love chatting and getting to know the next person and it means more to me if I can connect with that person on a whole new level and get to understand each other. But alas, texting has been replaced with acronyms and emojis, translation gets lost in-between. You find yourself wondering what the respective emoji or acronym is supposed to mean and with my generation not wanting to look less cool and slow I end up giving it my own translation and the conversation goes on. Ever asked yourself what you were doing? Most of this generation and the generations that follow are depressed and feel lonely because even when you are trying to communicate with the next person translation is lost and the next person at the other end of the phone does not get to understand you and at the end of the day all you feel is emptiness and you got nothing to feel that void because you are not really writing down what you are feeling or what you are going through. You are trying to express your emotions using emojis or acronyms that really cannot get the real emotion across, the real meaning across. Many a times have I found myself in a meaningless relationship cause when we are texting we both threw in messages that we even could not really understand. If I write deeply I am laughed at and the guy will jokingly say ‘don't be too serious girl, chill'. But it is through all this chilling that we find ourselves in meaningless relationships. It is through this chill that we find ourselves questioning the whole concept of dating and being with someone. This is because when that person is not there we do not want to look too serious to be writing down long meaningful messages so that the other person gets to understand what is happening. My friends do not even know the real me because even my speaking is like the way I text. Instead of laughing I find myself using lol. You begin to wonder when you lost that beautiful laugh and replaced it with lol. The way I am texting starts taking over even my whole day. Even when at home I do not know how to communicate with my parents because along the way, long meaningful messages lost its value in my life just like when I was texting with my friends and lovers and any new person within my life. Real connection is lost, real love and bond is lost . We should start teaching ourselves and our family to start to learn to communicate beyond the acronyms and the emojis. I feel we should learn to communicate more in our texts rather than just talking. Communication means the message you wanted to send across is received and well understood and was not lost in translation. What we practice in our hidden spots normally reflect on our day to day living as the less u communicate when texting will eventually be the way you even communicate in your day to day living. Now we are all stuck at home, and social media is at large. Besides a simple good morning or afternoon or evening as a family we rarely talk. We find ourselves stuck in our rooms with the uncapped wifi doing God knows what. You do not have time to listen to the person in the next room because you are busy on social media. We no longer sit down as a family to share a meal. We have lost the value of a family. This period of lock down is the moment you realize that all these relationships were a lie, the bond that held you together was so fragile. I for one got dumped because we could not even keep a conversation going for days. Why is that? We deceived ourselves with the live in the moment vibes and the "don't be too serious" vibes to the extent that we lost the value of chatting and our connection was not that solid. So it got me to think why are we scared of being real? Why are scared of getting our real thoughts out there? We end up being lonely cause we scared of expressing ourselves especially on these social media platforms.