I recently read a young adult short story and in it, the teacher asked her class to write down their biggest fear and expand upon it. She clarified she was not looking for gimmicky type fear such as spiders, clowns, or dark corners of the room, but instead fears from within. Fears that have you lose control of yourself, consume your mind, change your being. Fear that prevent you getting out of bed in the morning (or unable you to for that matter), or to give you the sensation of vomiting. Real fear lingers, it doesn't scare jump you. Fear is a shadow. With shadows, you only notice them when pointed out to you, or when they appear at moments least expected. And to avoid cliché, shadows are dark. No light can reach them, which is something to be avoided. The task set by the fictional teacher was for me a more profound assignment than may have been intentioned. It has not only brought my consideration on this matter to the fore but has prevented me from thinking about anything else. What is my fear? Or better still, what is my version of fear. I need to get it off my chest. First, I need to consider what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I will never be published, that my wearisome attempts will fail again and again and again. I am afraid that I am not smart enough, that I don't look at the big picture, or the opposing point of view, as an educated person would, or at least, should. I am afraid that I am not informed enough, which stops me from speaking up to offer points of view, worried my opinion will not hold enough weight. I am afraid of time. Losing it, it slipping away. Joan Didion's Year of Magical Thinking taught me much about time, or a lack thereof. My sister's friend died recently at 26 years old. She lost out to cancer after a two-year struggle. The fear of a lack of time struck me then too. I have had countless examples put in front of me, telling me that time is short, to “live each day as though it is your last”. This is an impossible, even stupid piece of advice because it is not at all quantifiable, unless you happen to know it is your final day. Only then can you honestly feel the horrors of time slipping away. Time passes you by, opportunities falter, and there's too much to know in one lifetime, and these prospects scare me to the point that I always feel behind, always feel as though I'm chasing the tail. But, as it stands, I don't know what the owner of that tail looks like. This is what requires unpacking. But I am still not at the crux, as these are individual “things” which scare me. The bigger question needs to ask what my underlying fear is; the alien inside of my body and mind, reminding me that I cannot relax. Is my fear failure of success? Let's consider this for one moment. First, what is success? Is it getting the publication? Assuming for one moment that it is, then what? Fear disappears? I don't believe that for one second, and come to think of it, that sounds worse than fear. Imagine achieving everything you always wanted and being nowhere near the end of your life. This sounds to me like a prison of success, if such a thing can exist (and is a topic for another time). In an interview with Roald Dahl, he was asked if he would ever stop writing. One of his answers was that he would never stop because he would have nothing to worry about. Do we propel ourselves into each day driven by fear, in some self-harm style approach? Is it fear itself that drives us? That sounds like a bad idea… So if it is fear that drives us, perhaps fear is the hurdle, and triumphing over it is the success story. Success is the goal, and fear the obstacle, not the task itself. This idea rings true for both my fear of improving my intellect and certainly my fear that I am not informed enough, but not the fear of time. Time happens. It isn't a goal or a target. There is no KPI for time – it just…is. How do you match up against that? And when considering the fear of lack of information and lack of intellect, these are both still restricted by time. Time is the key denominator. Am I up to speed? Am I where I should be? Am I behind? How long will it take me to know this, understand that, achieve this? Time will tell. So, what to do. James Williams' Stand Out of Our Light: Freedom and Resistance in the Attention Economy discusses how social media quantifies our attention as currency. The time you spend on that social media page, and away from something more productive and important, it is time earned by them and lost by you. When you come away from the app, the chemicals inside you fill you with dread and regret. You have wasted time. This feeling of lost time can come in so many forms. So perhaps the key is to utilize time as best I can, and accept that I will never get on top of it, and maybe, just maybe, my underlying fear will dissipate, at least just a little.