Lilia Lash

One Girl's Struggles with Mental Health

May 11, 2020 4 years ago

Mental health; Something we all struggle with, but few so much so that they feel simply broken inside. We have all had all-time-lows, whether that be losing a family member, not getting into the school of your dreams, or sometimes worse, but depression and anxiety are things that many of us have not experienced. A common misconception is that sadness and depression are the same things. I, however, can tell you that they are not. Sadness is a feeling or sensation that we feel when something bad or misfortunate happens. It is not something that people struggle with for months on end. Sadness does not end lives. I have been unlucky enough to have battled depression and anxiety for most of my memorable life. It has always been there. Waiting to pounce whenever something new comes out of the blue, or something bad happens. It puts you into this funk, to say the least, that you just can't shed. When I was about 10 years old, my life was perfect. I was getting straight A's, on a gymnastics team, had lots of friends, a family that loved me, and I was happy. Or at least I seemed happy. I had just changed schools and I was feeling very stressed out. I was seeing a therapist because my anxiety got so bad. Even medications didn't seem to help. That's when the thoughts started coming. “My life is pointless,” and “Nobody loves me, so what's the point of all this,” were the kinds of thoughts constantly in my mind. I just couldn't stop thinking about how much better off the world would be without me. A combination of suicidal thoughts, behaviors, and words landed me in a mental hospital in northern Virginia. The kids there had had their own unique experiences, and I found most of them to be interesting. But a lot of them had done bad things or had nearly died from suicide attempts. And this was only the children's unit. The staff there seemed nice, but all of the inquiries and consultations, and odd children just made it all worse. There was bulletproof gas, no outside time for at least a week, and horrible food. I missed my sister's birthday and only saw my family twice a day for an hour if they could make it through D.C. traffic on time. I hated it there. I gained a lot of weight from unhealthy food and bad medication. There was a saying there; fake it ‘till you make it… out. So that's what I did. I told them what they wanted to hear, and eventually, I was granted outpatient status, and then got out. That was easily the worst experience of my life. Even to this day, I have nightmares that I'm back or about those kids. I could never go back. Once I got out, I started getting better over the summer. Slowly but surely, those thoughts went away. Now, though I still struggle with anxiety and depression, suicidal thoughts have nearly disappeared from my mind. But recently, a friend came to me with similar thoughts, and I was taken back there. I didn't want her to have to go through the same system I went through. So, I talked to her and helped her the best I could. But that got me pondering about how no child should have to live like that. In fear of the people and places that want to help them. I dream of a world where people could heal in peace and get back to a state of balance. I know why these places are like they are, but it still brings me pain to think about. I want people to know that they are not alone in this world and that someone wants to help them. I think that my story is an important one to share, and I hope that one day, I can help someone who went through what I went through, reach peace again, without having to feel trapped or controlled. We are all humans, and we all deserve help when we need it. Yes, some of us need it more than others, but we all just want to feel heard and loved, and sometimes just listening to and emphasizing with someone's story can help them feel empowered, so they don't end up in a place like I did. Even though I had everything anyone could ever want in life, I wanted someone to listen to me, and just tell me that I was worth it. So, if you haven't gotten anything else from this story, let it be that just help those in need because sometimes it is worse than it seems, and people just want to be heard before it goes too hard. Contemplate it, for it could save their life.

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