I recently read the story of Maggie Wardle's murder and relationship in The events of October by Gail Griffin. I was shocked by the amount of people who didn't believe this to be a women's issue or a domestic violence situation. I have firsthand witnessed several types of DV relationships in my lifetime. My best friend almost died at the hands of her sons father on more then one occasion. I was the friend who couldn't handle losing her so I stayed nice when I realized that she would choose him over me at that time. She was hormonal and scared to be a single mom. She had no options of going home. He was incarcerated for the most violent attack which gave her the opportunity to find her way out of the relationship. Her son was 1 year old when she got a knock at the door from the abuser expectantly. She hid in the closet and called 911. To the day we have no clue how he found her. He parked at the end of the street and walked up so we believe his intentions may have been to commit a murder/suicide of her and possibly their son. That was 12 years ago and as we are in our 30's now I wonder what we could have done to help her see the warning signs before it escalated to that level of abuse. I had a friend whose mother left the father and after a few weeks he showed up to the door on Christmas Eve where he killed her and himself. Forever ruining the holiday season for their children. I have a friend whose aunt is paralyzed for life after running from her ex husband as he shot her multiple times. She played dead long enough for him to turn the gun on himself. Just this week one of my previous coworkers lost her niece in a murder suicide when she tried to leave her boyfriend. I googled murder suicide on college campuses and was appalled by the numerous results. Maggie's death wasn't the first or the last. She was in a controlling relationship but he wasn't abusive to her. He wasn't a monster until he was. How do you know what the warning signs are? I mean hindsight is 20/20 but how can I teach my children to recognize signs before they are too late. How do you teach them what is healthy love and what is unhealthy? I work in a community college. I sit at a desk where a previous employee sat. She was gunned down by her husband in front of her children 16 years ago. He also killed himself. He was physically abusive. She had changed the locks, kicked him out. Leaving them is what you are suppose to do but the statistics show that most likely when a female leaves the male from the controlling abusive relationship that her life is endanger. This isn't a man bashing post because I know that women can be abusive too. I have a female friend who is married to a woman who has abused her for years. People have told me well that's not abuse, its 2 women fighting. I don't believe this to be true. This is someone she loves harming and hurting her in the name of love. It is domestic violence and it may not end any different than any other DV case. My aunt was in an abusive controlling relationship with a man who twisted her mind so severely that she shot him in the stomach one afternoon. Her daughter had just informed her mother that he raped her. When he walked through the door she shot him. He lived and she went to jail for attempted murder. She told the detectives and the judge she didn't attempt to murder him as she wouldn't have failed at that. She attempted to ruin his manhood and if her hand wasn't so shaky she wouldn't have missed. Although I am all for child predators not having the ability to rape I do not cheer on my aunt for her crimes. I won't get started on how our laws need to be changed so that someone who rapes a child isn't on the street 2 days later free to harm more. The average sex offender harms 128 people before they are caught. They serve very little time and are free to harm again. This post isn't about gun control, although gun control would have maybe made it harder for Maggie to have been killed. Domestic assaults happen with various weapons just statistically more so with guns. This post is about trying to figure out what to tell your child when they begin to date. How to show your sons healthy ways to treat those they love. How to show them that sometimes love doesn't last forever. Sometimes the partner doesn't feel the same way. This is just me trying to see the big picture here when I start seeing my daughter find herself as an adult and woman.

When I picked up the book 13 reasons why at a book store many years ago I had no clue it would change my life. I didn't know that I was fixing to read my story written by a stranger. A noticeable difference is that I am 31 and still alive. I lived Hannah's life but I made it. When I was 15 years old a friend called me one Friday night. She was intoxicated at a party with all males. She wasn't comfortable and asked if I could walk across the street to where the party was and stay with her. I thought nothing of it and told my parents I was sleeping over with the neighbor (just not the neighbor they thought). I cared for my friend and got her to bed with no issues. I locked her in the room and made sure none of the males present went near the room. We had all been friends for years with the exception of an older guy there. He was very attractive, rich and popular. As the early morning hours approached the friends all started to pass out. I was given my own room and soon found myself fast asleep. I woke up to the guy I didn't know asking if he could crash in there with me because the rest of the beds were taken. I remember hearing the door lock and even telling him that was a fire safety issue. I wasn't nervous because I was in a house full of people I had known for several years. I must have fallen back to sleep quickly but that wouldn't last. I was awoken to him on top of me, forcing himself inside me. I was a virgin and scared truly to make a noise. I think I may have whimpered but that only made it worse. I don't know how long it lasted. I remember he left the room and didn't come back in. I was scared to leave the room. When morning came I practically ran home. I can remember my friends calling me the next 2 days asking what had happened because the male was saying things about me that were not nice. I realized later that he immediately started saying things about my character so people would believe him when he said he never touched me. I had no intentions of telling anyone but made sure no one would believe me if I did. Something I didn't realize was that he was already 18 which made what he did statutory rape. I can remember that first day back at school how all my friends shunned me. People I had known since elementary school treated me like I did something wrong. I never told my parents. I quit cheerleading and the school newspaper. I didn't talk about it with my childhood best friends. They knew something was wrong but I shut down anytime I was asked. Things moved on and I finished the year barely passing after having been an straight a student. I thought for sure the next year would be better as junior but I was shocked the first day of school to find that my attacker had been held from graduation and would be back at the school for another year. Not only was he back at school but would be in some of my classes. I told myself that I could handle this by just pretending he didn't exist but he seemed that he needed to make my life hard. He would say things under his breath when I talked, he would loudly make comments about my reputation and would try to turn my few peers in the class against me. After a few weeks of this abuse I started taking sleeping medicine to get past the nightmares. One day he seemed particularly nasty towards me and called me to his table during lunch. He had some of his female friends call me some names and tell me how he would never have touched me. I took enough sleeping pills that night to never face him again. People wondered how I got the pills. I asked an older neighbor friend to get them for me. That moment of survival changed my life. I still didn't speak out of the attacker mostly out of fear. I felt like I was having a heart attack when I saw in the local paper that he been arrested with trying to pick up a 14 year old girl in a sting when he was 30. My first thought was he may have hurt other girls. I was so scared to tell and that may have left him able to harm others. I have dealt with the ptsd of the attack for years. Sometimes are better than others. Everyday I am glad that I didn't die when I wanted to so bad. I I am so happy that I got to meet a great man who understands my cold days. I am so thankful I got to be a mommy. When I hear people say that Hannah Baker from 13 reasons wanted attention I want to scream that she is real. She is me. I never asked for his bullying. I never asked for the whispers. I never wanted the sympathy. I just wanted to make the choice of my first time being with someone I loved not a stranger who prayed on virgins.

On Valentine's Day, I watched in horror students running with their hands up out of a school where yet another school shooting had occurred. I have followed school shooting closely since Columbine as my biggest fear is an active shooter situation and I work in a college. As more news came out about the shooter, my heart sank. He was adopted and lost both adoptive parents, one recently. I do not feel sympathy for this murderer but I do relate. I often worry about my sons. My beautiful carefree adopted boys. Being adopted doesn't end the pain and neglected feeling these toddlers experience from birth. My boys were adopted from foster care. They spent 3 years in the foster care system. Although both lived in my home for a majority of that time, my oldest son spent some time with bio mom during transition which ended up causing major regressions in behavior and attachment. My little 4 year old boy is obsessed with violence and guns. We have to monitor his every program and game. We see therapists about his violent behaviors and attachment issues. My fear is that one day it will be my son, my boy on the TV in the position of the shooter, not the victims. I try to tell myself it is irrational, he is 4 years old. I feel like I am doing everything I can to help him attach, show emotions, not react in violent outbursts, have outlets to express things but what if its not enough. What if the shooters mom did all the same things? I know some parts of our situation are not similar. My husband is very active in his boys life. They have a strong male role model not just in a father but in uncles and grandfathers. As a mother you never want to think ugly about your child but as an educated person with extensive knowledge in the affects of abandonment, attachment and adoption issues you cant help the thoughts. I write about his behaviors, thoughts, feelings. I ask him about things that are important to him. I let him tell me stories that I write in notebooks for him so he can express his imagination. I show him how to express his anger with words not actions. We don't spank which I am sure causes a lot of judgment but when a child has been abused and only knows violence spankings do not work. You have to know your child and the situation. I am sure if I had given birth to them that I would choose spanking but in his mind those spankings are not much different from the abuse he suffered. I was spanked as a child and I believe it helped me as I rarely did anything to get in trouble. My husband was spanked as a child and also led a trouble free life. That does not mean it is good for our boys. We tried to spank at first but noticed the extreme regressions our son suffered after barely getting a pop. This showed us that some kids have to have other forms of punishment. At 4 years old his offenses are not major. Tantrums on occasion. Hitting or biting siblings. Telling lies. His meltdowns are the real testing behaviors. He actually does the best in public situations, in listening skills and in opportunities to help others. He has so many strong qualities. I think I worry the most because of the mental illness his mother suffers from. I worry that he will get depressed easier. That he will be suicidal. That he will struggle making friends because of his intensity. I worry now about how to combat things that will come at him like drug use. HIs mother self medicates and I am scared the slightest teen experimentation will drag him down her rabbit hole of addiction. I mostly worry that he wont feel love, experience life and live fully.

I have decided to jump into the podcast world. I would like to build episodes focusing on youth, teen and young adults who do not qualify for state amber alert/silver alert guidelines. I believe that not every case fits the black and white criteria the investigative agencies use to determine if someone is endangered. My podcast will feature brief interviews with the parents or loved ones, facts of the case and how to help. A page will be made on social media outlets to share photos and facts to help find the missing. My sister ran away several times when she was a teen. She was often missing for weeks without her loved ones knowing if she was alive. She lived in woods and the police couldn't do anything to help us locate her. She was always safe but this isn't the case every time. Studies Have Shown That: One in seven young people between the ages of 10 and 18 will run away> Youth age 12 to 17 are more at risk of homelessness than adults 75 percent of runaways are female Estimates of the number of pregnant homeless girls are between 6 and 22 percent Between 20 and 40 percent of homeless youth identify as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning (GLBTQ) 46 percent of runaway and homeless youth reported being physically abused, 38 percent reported being emotionally abused , and 17 percent reported being forced into unwanted sexual activity by a family or household member 75 percent percent of homeless or runaway youth have dropped out or will drop out of school ( http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/homeless-and-runaway-youth.aspx ) The truth of it all is that teens will run away. Some have bad home lives or no home lives. Some struggle with addiction. The police treat all missing teens the same: as trouble. Unless signs of abduction are known the possibility of them runaway being treated with 100% focus by police is slim to none. The case of the young VA teen who snuck out to meet a friend recently captured the headlines. She informed her sister she was going to a party several hours away only to be found dead in the near her home. The police have full caseloads but as a community we can help. We can help be the voice for the missing.

As the mother of adopted children I often worry about things like mental illness. My sons were adopted through foster care and at least one of their mothers suffers from mental illness. I try to read studies and we see therapists to try to have answers before we even have questions. I hurt every time I see the news of mass shooters who never got the help they needed for mental illness. But I cringe at the thought of prescription drugs or a lifelong misdiagnosis that follows these children into adulthood. As a human I think something must have happened in these murderers childhood to trigger this impossible to understand outcome. I read the words of these mothers who didn't know what evil lived under their roof. I wonder what if one day I am the mother of a killer? What do I watch for? What behavior isn't typical behavior for a child born into trauma? I write down the words of my children that don't feel right. I study the way they interact with other children their age. I watch how they respond in social settings. Do they make friends easily? Are they nervous? I watch how they respond when they are angry, frustrated, scared and happy. I try to focus on the responses and body language of every new situation. Maybe they are perfectly normal children who behave slightly different due to the trauma of being removed from their biological parents, the rollercoaster of the courts and fear of loss or maybe they have an underlying issue with mental health. Either way as a mother I want to make sure my boys feel love so completely that the thought of harming another makes them sick. I spend my evenings playing games, watching movies, hugging and loving on my kids with everything I have so that maybe that is the things that keep them grounded in the hard times. I encourage them with positive words and conversations. I speak to them like adults when they do something wrong so they can grasp the severity of the things they do. We talk out the reasons of their actions. We discuss how things made us feel, why we react certain ways. It is incredible the changes we witness daily from 2 scared little boys who didn't deserve to be born into the painful homes they were originally born into. We do not hide the adoptions from them. We talk openly about things so they can hear things directly from their parents not strangers. My hope one day is that as a generation we can help those with mental illness deal with daily stressors and put an end to the broken mind. My hope is that we can reach people in painful places and end mass shootings. My hope is that my boys will never have to worry about the things in their minds that are scary.