Reality Sets In There are days that seem to be harder than others. No matter what is going on in your life, it can get tough. A moment full of smiles, becomes a weight of a sudden sadness that seems to cover you. There are times when life seems to turn upside down is compounded by whatever is happening in your world at that moment. Trust being broken. What you began to think was real, became a mixed up ball of lies and uncertainty. Life can seem cruel. Days can be warm but the nights can get cold and dreary. The doubt rolls in and the dread of another night alone sets in and reality adds to the grief and pain. Questions begin to rise. Fear begins to creep in. Add to all these, loneliness that engulfs your mind and body. Your eyes close, but rest doesn't come. Peace is no where to be found. Love seems like a distant memory. Reality is all to real. The remaining years alone, with no one to share your inner most secrets and desires with. No one to make memories with. All you have are the past moments in time that you remember. The pain, betrayal and the good times. Questions still unanswered. Hugs that will go unreciprocated and kisses never given. Once grief is put into its place, reality and loneliness becomes the feelings of the day. As you come to the realization that this is your life. It is not the life you envisioned as a young newlywed, living my twilight years alone, but it is my new reality. I wondered if I would be capable or even comfortable with a male friendship. I had an uneasy feeling of cheating on my husband. (Yes the one and only that is healed and happy at his new heavenly address) it was a big mindset I had deal with, pray through and learn from. I did not want to do or say anything that would harm his memory for my kids. I didn't want to feel I abandoned our life together. I had to realize that the biggest love of my life and the most painful heartbreak I have ever gone through (in our life together and in his death) was not going to change what my future was, being alone. For the 45 years of our life, we were together. He was my existence along with our children. Then in an instance, it was over. We were no more. It was simply me, Alone and lonely. Life is definitely different. Meeting and feeling comfortable with someone is a big challenge. Which is why, I'm still alone. After 45 years and now wondering about meeting someone new is scary as hell. Trusting and believing what someone says is scary as hell. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I'm going to enjoy the Journey. There is so much more to losing a spouse, especially after a long time marriage. It involves loss, grief, loneliness, fear of the life alone, and trusting. My one constant is knowing I'm not really ever alone, I have my Savior and I am guided by the Holy Spirit (no I don' t always listen), but knowing I walk with God, even when I push boundaries, is a comfort and a strength. I am blessed! A Journey Through Grace By An Ordinary Woman-Cheryl