Do you ever get that feeling that you're never enough, no matter how hard you try? Do you ever get that feeling that no matter what you do or say it gets taken the wrong way? Do you ever get that feeling that you're not doing enough for you're children, significant other, or the significant people in your life? Well you're not the only one, and I'd like to help distract you from your feelings and sadness by sharing mine in hopes of helping you relate and better help yourselves in future feelings and situations. My one and only, my love, the only person I can see myself with. We met officially at Taco Bell, but I had previously seen/heard of him previously, like 2-3 years prior. I had started working at Taco Bell at the end of the summer in 2015, it was the beginning of my senior year, I was young just turned 17. Mason being 4 years older was roughly 21 at the time. At this point neither one of us were on each others radars. At the time Mason was with his second baby mom and had 2 children, both from different women. Me on the other hand as previously stated was a senior in high school, pretty sheltered, was a virgin till 3 months after my 20th birthday, never hung out with friends outside of school, had never drank, smoked, or “smoked” a day in my life. So you see our lives were two complete opposites. However we did have two things in common at that time, our jobs and our mental health. Ironically we were both working at Taco Bell at around the same time as each other, the first time I started working there. However we never ran into each other or had a shared conversation, never even heard a mention of him. I was a hormonal 17 year old who hadn't ever had any kind of interaction with guys other than being the only female virgin in a 20 mile radius. (A little over-exaggerated but honestly not by much.) Anyway, all I did literally was wake up, go to school, go to work, come home, and repeat. On my days off I had slowly started hanging out with my cousins who were a little more well known and extroverted than I was at the time. Eventually I had started to climb out of my shell and become my own person. The whole time this virginity thing weighing on me, because the people around me didn't have theirs, and they would tell me their stories of how it happened, with whom, and the repercussions of it all. It made me wonder about all the same questions for myself, how, who, when, and how would it effect me in the long run. Along with that I was worrying about life after high school, I knew in a way what I wanted, I always wanted to go to college after high school, but you see I never believed I could. By my last few months of school I was regretting my life from middle school to high school. Basically my whole academic life that mattered I threw away to spite my mother. (Now that I'm older I can admit that fact.) I'm a natural psychologist without the training, and that's what I wanted, in the back of my mind, that was always what I wanted. However, to many this will be an excuse, (to me as well a lot of the times). My mental health from a young age was always down and so angry. My mother, you know I love her I would never ask for another, but, there is always a but, (I expect it when my sons my age,) she left me scrambling. She is but isn't affectionate, and that doesn't make sense to me, my life, emotions, actions, and the like confuse me, but somehow others emotions don't. For example, I know why my mom is the way she is; it's her background, her parents, their parents. I know them, the times, the circumstances, the cause and effect. My great grandmother grew up sheltered and naive. She was the most caring, god fearing women there was. She married and had 5 children, her marriage was the common 50's misogynistic relationship around. She however did eventually end up leaving him, it broke her to do so but he was a drunk and she couldn't take it anymore; it's sad because they loved each other so much, unable to show it to the best of their abilities at times, but they truly did. She got Alzheimer's disease around the time I was born, she deteriorated and around the time I turned 5 she died, a month later he followed when he had at least a year left in him; but that still doesn't negate the effect the marriage had on them. All five of my great grandparents children has suffered from divorce, cheating, and oddly enough 2 kids a piece. All five of them has some sort of sordid twisted past that is honestly so hard to believe; and now it's making me start to wonder or question really, is it normal, is my family one in a million, or is it some sort of genetic code in our ancestry past down from generation to generation?